I'm a crap newborn mum

[Nobhobs]

I have a 5 day old and I’m being an utterly crap mum. I have a really supportive DH who is doing far more than his fair share but all I can think about is sleep. Baby is breastfeeding hourly, I want to cry everytime he’s hungry. In the nights I just want him to go away so I can sleep. I feel like I can’t put him first as I’m so tired. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t this

It's totally normal to feel how you're feeling. I think round about day four I spent most of the day crying for one reason and another. Your hormones have just taken a huge crash, you are more tired than you've ever been, you are still recovering from growing a baby and giving birth (which realistically can take months) and you have this new overwhelming responsibility.

I promise you, you are not a crap mum. If you are then so was I and thousands of other mums of healthy, happy babies. All baby needs from you now is to be close to you and to feed whenever they need to. Clean nappies and an occasional fresh set of clothes. They literally don't need anything else right now. You're doing brilliantly, i promise.

What everyone else has said. If you can get a nap in the day, do it. Or get someone to take baby out in pram straight after ages so you can sleep. It does improve. Honestly.

Totally normal. I am also a crap mum at new born stage, had 3 and never really enjoyed that bit to be honest . Found it gruelling and scary. This bit will pass, just grit your teeth and wait for it to get better. You aren't crap at all. Sorry it's so hard. It's not your fault xxx

I vividly remember poking DH awake at 3am, crying my eyes out, and plonking 6 day old DS on his chest and dramatically sobbing that he had to “do something! I’m going to dieeeeee” except it’s not funny at all when you actually do feel about to keel over. Sleep deprivation is absolutely horrific. Great advice from everyone above, one other thing would be to feed and then DH take him out for a long walk (sling or pram) but not far, so he can bring him straight back if he gets hungry again. My MIL did this when DS was tiny and because she never stopped moving she managed to secure me a whole 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. This bit is so hard, and there’s no much fun in it, but it will pass as I promise. You’re doing brilliantly

it’s so hard at the start. You’re also full of hormones. I cried the whole day / night when dd2 was one week old! Glad you’ve got a supportive dh - he should be doing his fair share! You’ve just got through pregnancy and then the birth. Rest as much as possible. You’re doing great. It gets so much easier and better

You are in hormone hell at the minute and sleep deprivation makes it much worse. Honestly, it gets better.

Let your DH take baby out for a walk in the pram tomorrow for 2 hours so you can sleep. If baby is hungry the worst that will happen in 2 hours is he will cry while DH walks him. He won’t starve and you have to put yourself first for small amounts of time.

Big hug to you. This is totally normal, you are exhausted. I remember coming home from hospital after two days, barely having slept in the hospital, odd hour -hospital being the least recovery like environment, I felt like I'd been ran a marathon and had been run over by a bus, yet I had my new baby to care for. One tiny baby at first seemed to create so much work and disorder. I was rubbish at sleeping when he slept and the first week was definitely the worst after seven days I'd barely had 2 hours a night. Recovery and regaining some sleep is important for you, focus on only the very most essential tasks, feeding and holding your lovely baby, all the support from your husband is wonderful and part of being a team. Congratulations to you both.

Day 5 your hormones have just kicked into overdrive. Try to be kind to yourself. Ask for help, accept help. Stay in bed or on the sofa all day. Plan to do nothing other than a shower, clean nightclothes, eat and drink. Once your established a routine you can start to do a bit more such as going for a small walk.

It does get better, try to hang on in there.

What everyone else said! Also there is a MASSIVE hormone crash at about this stage which makes you feel even more terrible/doom-laden.

It does get better and you are not crap, honestly.

Are you able to breastfeed lying down? That can be a safe way to snooze especially if DH is there to watch you and takes the baby away after he's finished feeding, with instructions not to bring him back for at least another hour, ideally plus a half, or even two if he can manage to jiggle/soothe/distract for that long! Just be clear if you are not OK with him giving a bottle or dummy. DH gave DS2 some formula when he was tiny and while I was glad of the sleep, I was upset that he'd given formula without asking me. If you don't have DH around e.g. he is back at work you can do this safely using a co-sleeping cot (face the cot to use it as a guard) or on a double bed with a fitted sheet, just push the covers right down away from the baby (easy when it's so warm) and lie on the edge facing the middle of the bed, baby in front of you.

Here's a guide (text based):

www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bf-info/early-days/breastfeeding-while-lying-down

Or video instructions:

And yes it's absolutely fine to take life an hour or two at a time at the moment. Don't try to think any further ahead.

It gets easier as there stomach gets bigger they can take more in one feed.They feed on stop for a few days in week six(which I found the hardest)and then settle more into a pattern then.
I just fed and slept for the first few weeks,DH did everything,not perfectly but well enough.

You're very hormonal and sleep deprived. Your life has changed forever. I felt exactly as you did at that time. It gets better. Your baby will sleep more. You just get through difficult phase and you'll be OK.

Thank you all so much. It's comforting to know this is normal. It's so disheartening to try for a baby for so long and want it so badly and then feel so negative about it all. I do love him but I also want to get in the car and drive really far away. I know it's very early days.

Do you have support to help you get some sleep or step away for a few hours? Chat to your health visitor about how you're feeling too, they can help. It's a huge life change and you'll be doing better than your sleep deprived brain thinks you are.

I too was a crap newborn mum, turns out I am a great toddler mum so please don't let this dishearten you! It will get better

OP you poor thing, you've hit the birth wall.

You are still recovering from the birth, completely sleep deprived and bf. For crying out loud completely normal to feel like you have hit a wall with the shock of it.

I distinctly remember feeling one night around the first week after no more than an hour or two a night of sleep, that if someone had asked to take DS away for 48 hours I would have probably agreed!! I was dizzy from lack of sleep.

Absolutely nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep children bring.
I was always a 8-10 hours a night person.....what a change.😳

It will get more manageable but you have to leave everything and get any rest you can grab.

Accept any off of any help from a source you trust and lean on your DH.

No prizes for being a martyr.

You will get used to it, but crucial to be kind to yourself.

The first couple of weeks are absolutely awful but it definitely gets easier! I used to dread DS waking as I knew he would want fed and I felt absolutely awful. You will be absolutely fine.

I admit to being one of those weird people who mostly loves the newborn phase but honestly at this stage I was still prone to just randomly burst into tears and the only thing I can compare the sadness to is intense homesickness - it would just come on randomly all the time, often while I was eating for some reason. We had family visiting and DH had gone and got Dominoes and it was supposed to be a celebration, but it was more like eating cardboard, I had to choke it down and plaster on a fake smile because I felt so terrible and I just went and hid in the bedroom and cried. That was day 10 I think? It was probably the worst day. In hindsight, I don't know why I was hiding how I was feeling as they wouldn't have minded I'm sure.

Don't worry all v normal. Keep asking for help. Any time people ask what they can do - bring me food. Come over and hold the baby while I have a shower, then I'll make us a cup of tea. Put a wash on for me. Hang up the one I did yesterday and didn't get a chance to. Bring me more vests in size X because I've got no clean ones. Bring me this food I'm craving. Whatever it is. People love to help.

Keep talking to DH, try and tell him what you need before you get to the state of being desperate for it. If you don't know just tell him the random thoughts that come up when they come up.

Are you still under midwife care? Call yours and tell her you're feeling low. If not, try your health visitor, if you liked her (perhaps not if you didn't.) :)

Oh and LANSINOH plaster your nipples in it if they are sore!

You don't need to wipe it off before feeding.

You're not crap, you're exhausted. Lack of sleep can really make things seem bad.
Could you go to bed at 9pm while DH has the baby in another room, he could give 1 bottle of formula at 11pm then bring baby through asleep so you could potentially get from 9pm - 1am undisturbed? DH could get ready for bed in the bathroom so he's literally just slipping into bed?
You could do the feeds from 1am-5am (important for milk supply) he could then take baby into another room until 7am so you can get another couple of hours?

Oh OP the first month is rough. My DS is 16 weeks now and it's so much easier. Plus, your hormones are going INSANE right now and will be for a while. I cried and cried thinking I just wasn't good enough for such a stunning, perfect baby. I wasn't worthy. It passes and it gets easier and more enjoyable. Let DH do a night shift. I got both my kids to take a bottle of expressed milk each evening, it meant they were used to a bottle from about 1 week old so wouldn't refuse further down the line. I could also go to bed at 8.30 and DH would bring them up at about midnight. At least then you'll have a few hours of sleep before waking for the next feed

This is so completely and utterly normal. I cried over DD1 on day 3 that I would try to learn to love her and I was so sorry that I didn’t want to be there. Poor DH.....not sure he’s over it yet. This is a hormonal nightmare - and you will be ok. Just lie with him as much as you can. Don’t let anyone else in other than your DH. You WILL get through this.

How are you feeling OP?