How do you teach your DC to be kind, but also not to be pushovers?

[LeeScoresbysBalloon]

My DC is only a baby but this is something I think about a lot.

Obviously it’s very important to be a kind, caring and helpful person at times. The world always needs more kindness and I’d hate it if I raised cold, unkind DCs.

However, as a child I was an absolute pushover. I never, ever stuck up for myself and I got taken advantage of. As an adult I became a lot tougher but you only have to look at the amount of CF threads on here to see that so many adults are still being taken advantage of, pushed around and bullied. I’d hate my DC to be a pushover like me when I was a child, it made me utterly miserable.

I’m at a loss as to how to raise children to be kind, but at the same time, to not be bullied, pushed around or abused. It’s such a precarious balance to get right.

How do you all manage this balance with your own DC?

I'd like to know this too, OP. I was an absolute pushover as a kid, and I really don't want my future DCs to be like that, although I want them o be kind and considerate.

Hopefully someone will be along soon with some wisdom!

You teach them to be assertive loud enough to get an adult's attention.

No that was mine.
No I was here first.
No put me down.
No you decided last time, it's my turn now.

I have had to do with that with my petite DD as she was a complete pushover in places like softplay, and also with a same age but bigger friend who liked to pick her up.

Bump?

Are there any story books about children articulating their boundaries? I'd love to know if anyone has any recommendations.

I try and encourage mine to share but if they dont want to I try once more, and if they still dont want to then I accept that and tell the other child that dc doesnt want to share today. I think Ive been inspired by reading all those articles about why you shouldnt force kids to kiss and cuddle grown ups. Basically respect their boundaries and they are more likely to respect others'.

When they get a bit older Im going to try and teach them to keep favours quite transactional. So dont keep helping out others without them doing anything for you. If someone helps you then you owe rhem a favour. Thats so they dont end up posting on MN in 20 or 30 years time about being taken advantage of by friends/family who are leeches.

Was just talking about this today. 11yo was always the nice one, the teachers went easy on him at school ( 'but he's so nice!') We were always telling him to make sure he spoke up, made himself seen etc. Suddenly just this year, we're seeing the change. 'Sorry, no, not doing that, why shouldn't I have the last one?' Etc. It is coming back to bite us hard!!( not totally, he's still lovely!!)

By the way I disagree with teaching them to be pushy, I'd say teach them to think of others but that they deserve stuff too, e.g. at Halloween, don't push to the front but don't stand back and get nothing either. If theres a certain amount of food, share but you deserve some too. Hopefully they pick up the baton and run with it

It’s a very fine line, for sure

Whilst it isn't great teaching them to be pushy, they do need to be able to stand their ground against others who are naturally pushy anyway. We were at pains to teach our dds to play nicely and take turns, but when dd2 was in the playground she'd stand there waiting her turn while everybody else just carried on pushing past her and she'd never get her turn. She was way too polite and considerate and would end up going backwards in queues!

I don't think it's ever wrong to teach your kids to have manners.

The bit I fall down on (for myself) is being able to articulate things that upset me in an assertive way, without being whinny. Still working on that.

I think its something you have to model so that your DC can learn from example.

If you are modelling that (not letting yourself be treated like crap), and discussing/breaking down any "incidents" to explain it for them, along with praising them whenever they do stand their ground so that they don't start second guessing themselves, then I think they just pick it up as they go along.

I do think praising them and encouraging them to stand their get is so important, but those things go hand in hand with self respect.
If you can help your DC learn to love and respect themselves, imho the rest falls into place, mostly.

I think teaching kids to be able to shake off rudeness/nastiness is really important too, to not keep going over it in your head and over analysing. If we're out and someone is rude, I stand my ground and then after laugh and say something like "wow could you believe how rude that guy was? Must be something in the air! Never mind, its behind us now".

I always did it from a "do unto others" perspective (not religious btw just the easiest way to explain it!).
Talk to your kids about their feelings and other people's feelings, don't let them go back on commitments they have made because something better came along, teach them that it is ok to say no. A big thing as a PP said is to teach by example. If they watch their parents treat others with kindness and respect but also see them being able to refuse a request politely but firmly they will learn how to do these things. I always told my kids that having good manners and speaking well goes a long way, something my mum told me 😊 They are now aged 16-26 and they are nice people to be around. It's easy if you are consistent from when they are young, realising that you have raised a brat aged ten is a lot harder to deal with!!!!

@LeeScoresbysBalloon I think it comes from listening to and accepting your child's feelings. Again and again and again. You listening to their feelings with a sympathetic ear - helping them identify them, validating them - though not necessarily agreeing with them, very much helps them to understand their own self and learn that what they feel is important and does matter.

The more they understand their own self and see that their feelings matter, the easier it is to set their own boundaries, without feeling too muddled or confused about what they actually feel eg 'I feel angry that they have not allowed me to take my turn, I am going to tell them that it's not fair', rather than 'They are not allowing me to take my turn and it makes me feel weird but when I feel like this my parent says it's not something to make a fuss about so maybe I am tired and should just say nothing'.

Once they get that you understand and respect their feelings, they start to understand and respect their own self/ learn to value their own wellbeing. You can then teach them that they need to be doing the same thing for others too and respect their feelings and wellbeing. I think that's how kindness is created.

But the not being a pushover is about learning to set boundaries. If a child feels sure that their feelings matter, and it's okay to let others know how they feel even if emotion is 'negative', (done respectfully in certain situations), the boundaries will follow.

The magnificent books Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott and the practical application of his approach in How To Talk So Children Will Listen And Listen So Children Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish are best parenting books I've ever read by a million miles and are very focussed on this.

That’s interesting about modelling assertive behaviour to them. I watched my mum get treated very rudely by some staff in shops, people in the street etc and she did nothing. Perhaps that contributed to my own lack of assertiveness.

There are two things you need to teach them about:

• Boundaries
• Assertiveness (vs. being passive or aggressive).

Not sure exactly how to teach these to children though but I'm sure there must be something if you google?

I think you ''model' the behaviour you want your child to exhibit

You allow them to time & space to talk about their feelings

You don't over analyse stuff but encourage resilience by encouraging them to move on from others behaviour explaining that how other behave is their stuff

If kids do things your children do not like enable them to point it out calmly and what they are therefore going to do

It is hard and increasingly I find kids are not enabled to deal with it without much parental interference especially at Primary school!

This is very interesting, because I really struggled with being assertive, until my late twenties. I received so many mixed messages about this. I was bullied a lot at school: the usual advice was, of course, "tell the teacher", which I did, with varying results. I also heard the old "just keep away from them".

As a child, I had a difficult relationship with my younger brother: he'd deliberately tease me and wind me up, and my parents would often respond with phrases such as "don't tell tales", "stop being so sensitive", "sticks and stones", "he's little: let him", and confusingly: "you're older, don't let him bully you". But how? The only way I knew to stop him was to retaliate, and I'd often be punished for this, or be told "children, just stop bickering". In the end, I received the message that I was just supposed to put up with it: this led to years of resentful seething. He had no problem being assertive - but he was backed up more. (My brother recently said he was surprised by how assertive I now am - result! )

My primary school was fond of whole-class or even whole-school punishments. At first I made my feelings about this clear, protesting or crying in front of the whole school; I was taken aside and told "don't be rude", or "sometimes you just have to put up with it". So I learned not to stand my ground in the face of injustice. Instead I found underhand ways: I once asked if I could stay in the classroom at playtime to finish my work, because I knew the dreaded "practising lining up" was going to happen instead of playtime. I was allowed, if another child stayed in with me. Result!

But really confusingly, when my parents did model assertive behaviour to others, I didn't think "I could do that": instead I just cringed, and they seemed ashamed afterwards. There was a time when my mum used her best teacher voice to tell off some teenagers who were messing about on a train, and once she let rip at a shopkeeper who tried to charge £1.50 for half a pack of batteries, when the full pack would have cost £2.49. I felt I could never set foot in that shop again! When this happened, there was a "this will never be spoken of again" silence, as if she was ashamed. Perhaps if she had said "that's what you can do if someone tries to mess you about", I might have learned something.

wanderings It honestly sounds like you came out balanced despite all of this?

@stayathomer I hope so, thank you for that. But when I remember how timid I was in my early twenties, I do feel that if I had learned assertiveness earlier, I could have achieved more.

With the OP's original question, I think a good message for children can be that within reason, arguing is healthy: it's communication, if nothing else. The old "don't argue" message often given to children can be damaging if used wrongly. I think listening to Radio 4 helped me in my late twenties; political interviews are full of both sides being assertive, and standing their ground. I used to take any kind of disagreement very personally; I'd often weakly change my mind just to end an argument. I didn't learn until later that if someone plays devil's advocate, they're not just doing it to annoy you; they might be doing it allow you to prove your case all the more.

wanderings very true and thank you, you've actually helped me figure out something!

As has been said before kids learn most by the example you set. So model the behaviour you want to see and they will naturally pick up on it.

Unfortunately this works both ways and at the same time as trying to demonstrate the good behaviour I want to see in my kids I have had to take a good look at myself and the not so good bits when i see my own faults reflected back at me.

@ovenchips excellent post

I was going to caution that children have different personalities and strengths and weaknesses and it’s very much about helping each individual child blossom into who they are.

with some children you might have to focus more on developing the compassion traits and with others developing confidence. But they can also surprise you in how they handle situations in ways you might never have thought of.

Be careful not to unintentionally communicate that they’re wrong for being who they are. It’s important to start with the child rather than a pre conceived mound you want them to fit, even with the best of intentions.