Going back to work when DD is 7.5 months - help!

[Crazydaysforme]

I have to go back to work when DD is 7.5 months and I feel so guilty!

I have PND so I’ve not really enjoyed her until recently.

I know she will do well in nursery and I think she’ll learn more skills at nursery than she would with me (I’m rubbish) but I’m worried it’ll ruin our bond more and she won’t want me

I’m am going to ask with if I can drop 2 days a week until she turns one but feeling really anxious about it.

Help!

Please believe it will be fine and that your baby is bonded with you. Long maternity leave is very new, many parents went back much earlier and their babies grew happy and healthy.

I went back to work when both kids were 7.5 months old. They are 7 and 2, we are very bonded (and I definitely had PND with DS1). They both went to the same CM. I grew up with a working (and very professionally successful) mum so there wasn’t a great deal of guilt for me. My mum had one word of wisdom which i follow which is that kids need quantity time not quality time and as a working mum since your quantity time is more limited do NOT convert that to quality time. Don’t plan stuff, don’t constantly plan activities and meaningful things to do. Lie on the floor. Read books. Take them along with you while you run errands. She always maintained that this was the best way for kids to feel loved and wanted, to be a part of family life. Not to be shuttled from one meaningful family activity after another.

I put dd in nursery from 7 months. I was miserable at home by myself on maternity leave, and 3 days in an office with adult conversation helped immeasurably.
Dd was fine, had lovely carers, i was happier, and fast forward to now she’s 4, about to go to school and the most confident outgoing thing you could imagine (and very securely attached to me and her dad in case that was worrying you).

Both of mine went to nursery full time from 9 months. They are now 3 (still at nursery full time) and 6 and we have a great bond! They both love(d) nursery and have thrived. It'll be fine!

Hopefully you'll get loads of older women like me coming on to tell you that when we had our babies 30 + years ago, we got 26 weeks total if we were lucky. That included the six weeks we had to take off before the birth (different employers may have had different rules about that of course). I was given my P45 but not allowed to claim benefits and the only guarantee was that I could have a job back the company, but not necessarily my own job and not necessarily at the same level of seniority or pay, so I could have been given a job stuffing envelopes.

Our kids were fine btw...

I went back to work when DD was 5 months old, as that was when mat leave ran out and I took an extra month unpaid.

She's 13, and we have a lovely bond still.

She learned a lot in crèche that I would not have been able to do or had the patience to do.

I kept my sanity by being back amongst grown ups for part of the day again, and talking about normal things.

I put her into a crèche near the office rather than near home (against the convention at the time) - it meant she commuted with DH and I until she went to primary school aged 4.75. She learned about cars, buses, trains and bicycles in those years (she is great at doing hand signals on the bike since the training in the seat behind DH's back!). When traffic was rubbish, I could pull over into a car park and give her an early dinner (bf), or we could sing together and I could talk to her in the mirror. And the odd occasion where she got a bug, I could get to the crèche pretty quickly compared to getting all the way back home to her.

But spending time in the evenings with her was more of a pleasure for me, as I had my dose of everyday adulating earlier.

All DMs feel guilty, no matter what their decisions are, that they are doing the wrong thing. And there is advice to say that you are doing the wrong thing no matter what you are doing.

But there is also advice about the way you are doing things being the right way, if you look in the right places. We just always automatically jump to the "mammy guilt" advice that we're doing it wrong first.

You're thinking about DC, and how it will impact them and trying to do your best for them. That is the sign of a good DM! THat, and one who also looks after herself, and the other parts of life (like having the paycheque coming in, having food on the table, having clean clothes to wear etc). On those latter 2 - food can be takeaway, or batch cooked and frozen, or prepped the night before, or grabbed en route home - just having food on the table is the goal, fabulous healthy nutricious.......organic, ethical, whatever - all those bits are bonuses and will come in time. And clothes - I bought loads of outfits that were quite wash and wear and could take staining - so I wasn't trying to keep up with laundry terribly mid-week, but always had a stack of things I could grab to restock the changing bag for crèche, had a spare outfit and nappy etc always in my car/travel bag, and something clean to wear each morning. Little jeans, tracksuits, ordinary tops that could get covered in tomato sauce or paint and I wasnt' upset etc - that kind of thing.

That was back before Noah's flood, when we only got 14 weeks leave and had to take at least 2 before the EDD....

Thanks everyone!

My mum was a SAHP so that’s partly where the guilt comes in. I didn’t know any different but I don’t want to be like her and we aren’t close. I just want to do the best for DD and I’m also broke.

I’m just thinking about how many toys there will be for her to play with at nursery so I’m holding onto that!

Thank you for all the advice too!

One of my friends went back at 7 months with her first child and he settled brilliantly (much better, in fact, than her second child who started nursery at 12 months).

"My mum was a SAHP so that’s partly where the guilt comes in. I didn’t know any different but I don’t want to be like her and we aren’t close"

Oh, this strikes a chord! I think my mother was in many ways a damaging mother (certainly a damaged one). But I still struggle to turn off the little voice that says I'm a bad mum if I don't copy her in everything.

Gosh - I had all of my children when maternity leave was 6 months or less. Our bond is just fine.

The bond issue I focused on because I’ve really struggled until now. Almost people
I know are taking 9 months to a year.

I also have “mum issues” so I don’t know what a normal bond is.

I've just gone back to work (part-time). My baby is 6 months old. It's been brilliant for him. He's only been at nursery for 2 weeks and he's already much more confident in terms of skills like sitting up, manipulating toys etc. And I enjoy my days at home so much more now. Please try not to worry.

As an aside, I'm always surprised by how long other women take as maternity leave. I had to go back when my full pay stopped - both DH and I are high earners, and although DH earns twice what I do, my income is still more than our mortgage, council tax and utility bills put together. We need my money!

Oh my love @crazydaysforme
I feel you so much, I put both children in nursery at 6mo, three days climbing to four when they hit a year old.
STEALTH BOAST:
My children are very intelligent, bright, engaged and articulate. They love reading, they love singing and they love learning.
I swear they get this from nursery.
Because of my own mum issues the only thing i trust myself to get right is loving them.
Your fears are completely normal and I won’t sugar coat it but your kid will get every cold going for the 6 months after she starts, but better now than at 5 and missing out heaps of school.
Your daughter will be fine, I swear my children and I have a great relationship because they are in nursery PT, it works for all of us.

Good luck OP!

The bond issue I focused on because I’ve really struggled until now. Almost people I know are taking 9 months to a year.

I live in the US so almost everyone I know goes back after 6-12 weeks. I couldn't name a single one who doesn't have a good bond with their children. Honestly - you're going to be OK. You've got her whole life to spend getting to know each other. The PND makes it really hard to appreciate that there will be many wonderful times together, and that you are the most important person in her world no matter what.

In addition to the above OP; the Netherlands - home of the “world’s happiest children” has 16 weeks mat leave only of which 4 weeks MUST be taken before due date.

Really common for babies of 3 month to be in childcare

Just to add to what i said above, my mum had 3 month’s maternity leave (teacher in the 1970s) and we have always been close and get on great.

My daughter went to nursery full time at exactly the same age. I cried, she didn't cry once. After 2 weeks we had both fully adjusted to maximising weekends / mornings/ evenings together, and my daughter honestly thrives attending the nursery. It will be hard for you to begin with but it honestly will be fine.