If you genuinely can't say no, can I ask why?

[QueenOfIce]

For instance visitors want to stay for a period of time (not a weekend) you don't want them to but find yourself saying yes. Having work done and the people doing the work take far longer than agreed but you don't say anything. People who generally ask you to do something for them that you don't want to do but you can't say no.

As someone who dislikes conflict or confrontation of any kind yet also doesn't have a problem asserting my boundaries politely and saying no I genuinely would like to know what stops people who say yes but want to say no from doing so.

Forget politeness and just say no .

I can easily say no if it’s not face to face (by text or email etc) but I struggle face to face. I have low self esteem and am definitely a people pleaser who cares what everyone thinks about me. I hate awkwardness too so if someone asks me face to face to do something then i’ll just say yes to keep the atmosphere as sweet as possible.
Wish I could be a lot more assertive in life!

Not wanting to upset people or start an argument.

I feel guilty...like its my job to provide childcare...or offer a lift...or cover a shift...i am getting better as i get older though.

Generally people who 'forget politeness and just say no' don't get many requests to stay.

My parents raised me with a very misguided sense of duty, it was always my job to fix things, smooth over any issues, never instigate any trouble, never give up/quit, don't cause a fuss or ask for help etc. I have done so many things I didn't want to because of my automatic people pleasing response. Whenever I have made changes to my life to do what I want or stood up for myself it's gone spectacularly wrong. It's ruined my life so far tbh, I've done nothing for myself and I am now financially trapped in a horrible relationship, but I am working on my 5 year escape plan.

Because I’m a people pleaser and hate a bad atmosphere or potential for one. I feel sick at the thought of confrontation unless I’m totally sure if myself which is rare.

Isn't your happiness worth saying no for when needs be? Why is someone else's happiness more important than your own?

My mum found it extremely hard to say no (and still does). I can't even list the number of awkward or ridiculous situations she's ended up in as a result, it would be endless! When my sister and I were growing up, she somehow conveyed to us (unintentionally, I hope) that we shouldn't ever say no as people wouldn't like us. Which is a terrible message to give to girls, really. We both struggled to assert ourselves as adults, but my sister more so, because she had better social skills and my mum spent more time and effort teaching her how she should behave.

Queen because the emotional and mental turmoil caused by saying no is worse than the inconvenience of saying yes! (I know how ridiculous it is, very much preaching to the choir believe me)

There comes a time for the lack of politeness. And if that means I don't get asked to stay, then I'll leave. In general people asking someone else to do some thing or provide something is a yes or no prospect. Don't be afraid of saying no.

I'm much more assertive thanks in part to Mumsnet and to feeling secure in myself in my 40s. I'm happy to draw up my boundaries and I won't be bossed around unless I'm being paid for it.

I used to have real issues saying no when I didn’t want to do something. Looking back I think it was because I’d never practiced it and it seemed really scary.
Now I will quite happily say sorry that doesn’t work for me.

I'm the same as Rushiandisney; a people pleaser, but whenever I have found some backbone and stood up for myself it's gone horribly wrong. Why is that? Because people get used to others following a certain script and don't like it when you deviate from that?

Lots of people take advantage of a friend of mines good nature and them knowing she won't say no. It doesn't matter how much she has going on in her life which is a lot currently she still can't say no and I find myself now blocking certain people from being able to attempt to take advantage.

I'm trying to understand because I want to help her. She is very vocal about how fed up she is of situations yet there is no point in giving advice as she cannot say no. Even those around her know of her current situation and her vulnerability yet selfishly still ask and expect her to say yes to all requests which she does.

I am polite but firm and people around me are in no doubt about where my boundaries are I wish there was some way I could help her though ultimately as an adult she has to sort things herself.

What sort of things is your friend saying no to? I said no actually one time I’d forgotten about- a concert invite which was not my thing and v expensive and it felt ok, but then. I agonised about if I’d been rude to say no
Interested to know how people take advantage of your friend.

Doesn't upbringing count as well.

It is hard to say no when the only reason is that you simply don't want to, because we are conditioned to be nice and/or have a "proper" reason you cannot do something. And also because CFs know that and exploit it.

We (as people) need to learn that our preferences are just as valid as other reasons, after all it is our lives and our personal wellbeing.

Like a pp my parents made me think that other people were more important than my feelings, I was to smooth things over, make things right and never mind if I was inconvenienced, upset or hurt in any way because other people matter I was hissed at to shut up if I was speaking, or a hand physically put over my mouth.

It's taken me to the age of 50 to break out of this conditioning and to realise that my friends like me for being me, not because I do xyz or always agree with them.

The world doesn't stop if I say no!

Saying yes to something often means saying no to something else to fit it in to your life. So think about what you'll have to miss out on to say yes to the bulldozer request.

However - it really grinds my gears when someone can't say no (fair enough) but moans about having to do everything. That comes across as attention-seeking.

I got a lot of help as a child / teen from other people (mum a single parent who wasn't around much - worked long hours and had other commitments) so I had to fend for myself so a few parents at school always took pity on me - gave me lifts, lent me stuff, feed me food etc which I am forever grateful for.

So now I feel I have to help other people out, like I am trying to repay them.

Some people are very vulnerable to guilt trips. I know a few cf's who really lay the guilt on thick when they're trying to get someone to do something they should do themselves.
One of my friends falls for it all the time. Somebody needs a lift to the airport? She'll do it, even though the person in question is perfectly capable of hiring a taxi or using RailAir.
Someone needs a regular baby sitter? Well they could do what everyone else does and pay for nursery (or in this specific case, make their husband do it who was in a position to do so but CBA). No, my friend fell for the guilt trip and said yes.
There are many other examples. O e discovered that guilt tripping has the opposite effect on me and any help I would have considered becomes a harsh no.

For example my lovely friend has someone incredibly close to her who is dying but instead of those around her knowing this and stepping in to support her and help her so she can spend time with this person they ask if she can look after the baby on xyz days, stay with her for x reason, do more shifts at work and she doesn't say no.

She tries so hard to please people it's hard to watch what she's going through and see her suffer but feel so paralysed to say no to those who should know better!

Got you. That’s awful though people really
Taking advantage there. I’d like to think I’d be a little stronger in that position but people are CFs. My issue is more with those more confident than me stating their case and my not saying -no, it’s not like that
Your poor friend for her

At my most vulnerable I find it harder to say no.
I worry these people will no longer be there for me ( even though they aren't really anyway) and I worry that if I needed them that they wouldn't help me ( in reality they probably wouldn't regardless off my saying yes).
A bit of a case of worrying I'm going to be alone I think.