Has anyone been incredibly shy and got over it?

[Fleetheart]

My daughter is 17, she’s always been very shy, to the extent that she won’t ring anyone on the phone, will avoid going on the bus as it’s awkward, won’t ask her teachers for help etc etc

I do worry about her, she has some friends, but seems to be becoming more introverted rather than less.

Were any of you like this? How did you get over it? I worry about how she will manage when she leaves the structure of school. How will she cope in an interview for example? I try not to transfer my concerns, but at the same want to give her the right support.

I used to be!

Even certain family members I wouldn't speak to or go anywhere by myself and because my sister was so confident and outgoing my mum used to really worry about.

I gradually got better and it improved the most once I started to work.

Im 100% not so bad now but I wont go out of my way to put myself out there I do very much like to stay in my comfort zone!

I changed at 17. I used to be unable to speak in class, hold a conversation with anyone but close friends, not use the phone except to close friends etc. I realised I'd never get a boyfriend or a job unless I sorted myself out.

I did a bit of a Sandra Dee with my wardrobe, long skirts to lycra etc. I faked confidence by ignoring my nerves and speaking anyway. Just doing things before letting myself worry about what could go wrong.

I'm fine now, not shy. Still an introvert in that I like my own company and quiet time but I'm very sociable and don't embarrass easily.

I was like your daughter. Once I went to work it got loads better. It's never totally left me but I've learnt to put a 'confident face on' when needed. I think finding a hobby or something she enjoys where she will meet people will help her loads. Good luck

Yes and at the age of 41 I decided to do something about it. I joined a 650 member strong choir and have literally never looked back. I've done things and been to places I never imagined and made lots of new friends. Hardest part was walking in the first time. I still like my own company and doing things on my own but not because there is no other choice.

I was, painfully. Too afraid to speak in most situations. I applied to become a teacher and it was a baptism of fire being the only one speaking with an audience of 30 hostile teenagers, but i came through it and very little holds any terror now! Perhaps volunteering in something that makes you speak, like a holiday club for kids, would help your daughter?

Yes.

I was horrifically shy at school/sixth form/uni. Would get hysterical over talking in front of people. Would never stand on a stage etc. I was bullied - especially as I have a slight lisp - so mainly avoided any public type situation.

I'm 38 now - a project manager and often hold meetings and workshops for 50+ people. I also did a stint as an IT trainer in my last role. I no longer give a shit and I'm actually fairly well known for being good at presentations 🤷‍♀️

I think generally getting older and not having that intense worry of what people think is the key - plus in a work situation generally you're not going to have people sneering at you - most people are fairly decent and you start to learn that.

Is there a hobby she enjoys or a club she can join? When horribly shy at school I only became myself when I was with my horse - I had likeminded friends and concentrated on competing - I also volunteer in the sport (at quite a high capacity now) and that has massively improved my confidence.

I was very shy as a child, and really up the age of about 17, I guess.
I started to get a bit better at college between 16 and 18 but I remember my voice shaking with nerves when I had to make phone calls on work experience, when I’d be 17ish, I guess.
I became a journalist on local papers, which is really not a job for shy people, and I remember sitting in crowded press conferences desperate to ask a question but not having the confidence, and I still don’t like speaking in front of groups now. However I did gradually get used to talking to everyone from MPs to headteachers to...well, just about anyone really as it was part of the job. As I got older I developed more confidence and although I’d describe myself as quiet now, reserved maybe, I’m not shy any more. But I do vividly remember those days of going bright red, having to force yourself to speak, stumbling over your words.
And yep, feeling so self conscious when you get on a bus or something, like everyone is looking at you. Now I realise they’re actually not. Even if they glance up from their phones they’re unlikely to be noticing you. And certainly won’t remember you.

Have you had a chat with the school/college? Most offer 121 support which may help her gain a bit of confidence or at least give her. Some youth groups will offer the same.

Does she do anything outside of school? Club, sport, scouts, youth group? I was awfully shy when younger then joined scouts. I'm a lot better now. Going through CBT helped as it helped identify my negative thoughts that made me shy.

Yep, I'm still shy in my 40s. What has crippled me far more than my own shyness was my parent's absolute conviction that I would 'get over it', 'grow out of it', and change, as being shy was clearly the worst thing I could be in their eyes. This has caused me huge issues in my lifetime and I urge you to reflect on your feelings around being quiet and being shy. Please, please don't project this on to your daughter. We have a real issue with shyness in our culture, we don't like it, we don't understand it, we place confidence on such a pedestal. She will cope with life in the way that she copes. She will find her own way. She may have ups and downs, but that is true of all of us. Don't magnify this into something greater than it needs to be. We are all built uniquely and wonderfully differently. It is ok to be shy. It is not ok to make someone feel like they are not ok because they are shy.

Yes, I used to be like this to the extent that I would blush when anyone spoke directly to me!

I only got over it when I made friends with a very confident girl. She brought me out of my shell.

I'm 29 and really outgoing now.

Me too. I started working in a restaurant kitchen, which led to front of house, which led to bar work at uni. All of which increased my confidence.

I'm 39 now and still blush when I speak in meetings, but I don't care so much these days.

Me and my brother and DH were like this. Like everything we found that it got better with practice (like pp’s say - you feel a bit of a fraud). I guess it’s like speaking a foreign language - until you are forced into a corner and are desperate for the toilet or whatever, you avoid speaking.

I dunno whether it will work, but perhaps start with something like going with her to open a bank account. Perhaps say that you want to make sure she learns life skills and see if she can fill in all the forms etc and ask about opening bank account at the branch and maybe you can be there for reassurance if it helps (but try and say she asks the questions or at least does the beginning bit)? Restaurants are another good place to try - calling the waiter etc or maybe try get her to order a pizza takeaway? I don’t know how she would react - I guess you have to be guided by her, but might be worth trying.

Thanks everyone for your experiences; very reassuring. @woolycardi, thank you for your words about the way we perceive shyness. I agree with you, but it worries me that our society values confidence above all else.

Yes I agree, we do have that value in our society. However, you are the single most influential person in your daughter's life. So if you can allow this part of her, she will allow it in herself. And who knows what that will transform internally for her. Don't worry about society, everyone can crack on and believe what they like. This is her life. Let her be who she is. And let her know that you love every single part of that being.

I was terribly shy and self-conscious as a teen and well into my 20s. I am a natural introvert, reserved and pretty serious by nature and that has never changed but I have got over being shy.

I think confidence comes with age to a degree but as a young person what really helped me overcome my shyness was a part time job I had in a shop at Uni. I HAD to talk to people and yes, I did go red when I spoke to customers at first but my confidence increased as time went on. I was probably guilty as a teen of avoiding situations where I'd have speak, meet new people which didn't help me in the long run.

Like most things overcoming shyness comes with practice. I accept though that it can be very hard for a shy person to push themselves beyond their comfort zone. Would your daughter consider getting involved in volunteering or social activity to help boost her confidence?