Life not as expected

[chocolatecravings]

Just wondering if anyone else ever feels a bit disappointed with how life turned out? On first glance I shouldn't have any thoughts like this, I have a lovely husband, 2 children (one only a few weeks old) and a lovely house but yet whenever I reflect I always feel disappointed and regretful. We don't have a big friend network, I never did the 'crazy' youth or any friends holidays, haven't travelled, I have 2 degrees but yet neither worked out in terms of a career and I still don't know what I want to do for work or how I could retrain if I wanted to with 2 kids. Even things like what are meant to be your happiest day of your life like your wedding i look back and think oh I wish I had bridesmaids/weather was better/wasn't ill or the birth of my children, both which were horrendous experiences. I see everyone else (joys of social media/grass is greener) out having fun with big groups of friends and having life experiences and feel like I've just missed the boat. Husband isn't really interested in doing things like that so we kind of end up in this watching tv lifestyle (!). Does anyone else ever feel like this looking back? Has anyone overcome it?

So much is about perspective though. Someone else would have what you have and be the happiest person alive. I know a man of 40 who's lost both his siblings (including his twin) in the most horrific circumstances, both his parents died very young. His wife left him for another man and took the kids. Yet this man is the most positive man I know. He always finds something to smile about and be thankful for. I know a woman who has everything, pretty much the perfect life but all she does is moan. I do know how you feel as I look back and have some regrets and I wish I'd done some things differently but that's life. You live and learn. You have every reason to feel frustrated if you're lacking friends and your husband just wants to watch TV - BUT you have the power to change your life. Its not easy but it's doable. Take those feelings of sadness and regret and channel them in to changing your life for the better.

This is not a time to count your blessings and be grateful for what you have. You've already done that and you still feel regrets for not having kicked over the traces and been wild and crazy while you were still young and free. So now you need a plan for how to be wild and crazy even though you have a family. Start your bucket list today of 100 exciting things you want to do before you die. And congratulations on your new baby. That doesn't mean you have to be middle-aged yet!

Agree with pp, you have the power to change your life and make it what you want.

My mother, for example, got sick of my father always refusing to take time off to go on a proper holiday. She was always moaning about it. For years. Then one day she had an epiphany, and realised there was nothing to stop her going on her own. So she booked herself on an African safari, and had a great time. Other things flowed from this, and she turned her life around from being dissatisfied with her lot to doing what the hell she wanted. My father fell into line - it was fascinating to see the dynamic change from him being ‘in charge’ of their lives when I was a child, to her being totally in control in her fifties.

I feel like this a lot too. But then most of the time I think I don't actually want to be going of skydiving every weekend or doing things with a huge network of friends sounds exhausting. I just think that's what I should want iyswim?

I would like a career rather than just a job though.

I would like my life to be more exciting. But I have a small baby and toddler too, and it's just not possible at the moment. It can be an emotional rollercoaster though, do you think lack of sleep etc are making you down?

*making you feel down?

I think it's very common because were sold big dreams as kids. Most people end up in average lives. You need to change your mindset. When you go down the disappointment route make a conscious effort to think about happy moments instead. Over time your brain will automatically go to these instead as the brain learns its thought pathways. Right now you automatically think negatively but it can change.

It's what I did to help with my OCD

I don’t think any experience is without value.

Going by my mum’s life, I was on track to leave school, work for a couple of years, have a few dcs, stay in the same area, retire.
Instead I’ve had 30 year career, a degree, 15 years working across two continents, no marriage but my own home, skiing, shooting, riding, diving, and a late baby as a single mum.

DM would be appalled if she were still alive.

Okay, things didn’t go to plan but I’ve loved almost all of it.

If one of your children is only a few weeks old, you could be feeling hormonally blue about life, quite naturally. And the early days of mothering a child are a staggeringly dull Groundhog Day existence.

But it really doesn't have to be this way. You can start to make friends and extend the group you know through mother and baby groups, playgroups, school etc. You can liven life up by making lists of things you want to do together as a family. Like your DH mine has zero interest in socialising but he does love a good day out with the family. I have a lot of friends who are cycling/golf widows who may have more party invites than us but would give anything for a DH who loves to spend a day on miniature steam trains or building dens in the woods.

Give yourself a bit of breathing space while your new baby is young. You can do some dreaming, research online, try some online courses while feeding/napping and get a feel for what might excite you. There's loads of time. I'm starting my fourth career shift in my mid-fifties. You can reinvent your life at any time.

So why didn't you do those things, if they were so important to you?

Most of us feel a bit disappointed about some things when we're being reflective but it doesn't last. You'll perk up soon enough. Congratulations on your new baby! You may be more reflective and introspective right now because of having had a baby so recently.

In time you'll manage to forge a career and no doubt will travel a bit. Don't worry about your wedding - I sometimes look back at mine and wish we'd just gone off and done it on our own! I also have regrets about a somewhat wild youth. Not much point in any of that though, we can't go back. The here and now is not all bad :-).

@VenusClapTrap that's an amazing story about your mother and so true. DH unfortunately does wear the trousers in our relationship so I wouldn't have thought of going somewhere without him and he definitely wouldn't like it but that's a great story to make you think well why not! Unfortunately it all comes down to money but I suppose it's still nice to think maybe one day and do as @FlamedToACrisp says and just start that bucket list for when it might be possible with or without DH.

@Coolcoolcoolcoolcool and @growlingbear yes you have a point, maybe it is just being hormonal/tired with the new baby. not being able to drive either is making me feel extra trapped too. I know exactly what you mean, if I was actually given the choice of a skydive or something I would probably say no anyway but yet I make myself feel jealous if someone else does something like it!! I am guilty of getting jealous very easily and so end up torturing myself which isn't particularly healthy. That is amazing that you are starting a 4th career, what do you do? Will try and think positively going forward and think of some family days we can do, that will be nice to look forward to for when I'm just stuck inside feeding all day!

Thank you for the tip @AquaPris, that sounds really positive tool I will try that.

@zafferana honestly I don't know. I suppose days just turned into weeks turned into years. I was hesitant and probably just too sensible so didn't really embrace opportunities at uni etc which looking back I should have.

I think my mother has lived life like this. She always seemed to want to be doing things but then didn’t because my dad was naturally more sedentary. Funnily she has got a lot more independent in her 70s - perhaps she got sick of life passing her by - and is now out dancing/badminton OMG/lunching with friends constantly. Sometimes my dad joins in but I think she found if she wanted to do stuff, she had to get up and do it and not be held back because she married someone who needed/wanted different things from life.

Don’t know where the OMG came from

PS can you have a big family trip while you are on mat leave?

I had the wild times when I was younger, glad I have my heyday to look back on. It was a lot of fun!

But, I’ve nothing to show for it. I’m married but I have no kids, don’t own a house or a car. No career.

I think we all make choices that lead us to where we are now. You have a home & kids. It’s what you wanted.