Feeling overwhelmed with life -guilty about my kids

[Stressedandsad]

Sorry this will probably be quite long so as not to drip feed.
I don't think I'm depressed but feel very anxious and stressed about my life right now and really guilty about the impact on my DC.
Myself and my DH have our own business which he works full time and i work pt, and no other source of income. Its in an industry which was badly affected by the recession in 2008 and if anything has got worse since then. We are always busy but it just isnt profitable. Our last 2 sets of accounts were a loss of 5k and a profit of 3k. We struggle to keep up with all the bills at work and only operate within quite a massive overdraft.i wake up often worrying about bills, pensions, making tax digital etc .
Our personal finances are not much better although we are in the black, we pay all our mortgage/bills and our DC do one out of school activity each but there is hardly any disposable income. I have a small amount of savings which i will be dipping into this month to get DDs birthday present and pay for holiday childcare for DS(8) We do have quite a lot of equity in our house and I would like to downsize and not have a mortgage but DH is not keen to that although moving would add another stress.
We live in a commuter town which is quite wealthy and most of DCs friends have 1 parent at home or are going away for most of the summer so i feel bad putting DS in clubs when his friends aren't going.
We are going away for 1 week in the uk.
My elderly dad is extremely unwell at the moment (he has been unwell on and off for 5 years but recently got a lot worse and we are waiting on the outcome of a scan) and myself and my siblings are trying to arrange care for him or decide if he needs residential care.
I feel really stressed about dad and about finances, and that on the days i am not working i will have to drag the DC to medical apts or see gdad rather than do something fun.
Dc are lovely and so undemanding but i know its really hard for them seeing all their friends go off on fun holidays and spend lots of time with their parents.DD esp will miss her friends as her bday is in the holidays and all her good friends are away and i havent planned anything for it yet.
Just feel completely overwhelmed....

Ah love you have a lot on your plate!!
My overwhelming reaction is why don’t you both ditch the business? It’s not successful and hasn’t been since the recession! Time to throw it in and get a job that pays the bills?
I know it’s easy to say but could u do something else? Could your dh?

Also plan a party for September for your dd and give her something to look forward to when her friends return?
It’s also good for kids to see that being part of a family means caring and looking after elderly relatives!

Yeah i have considered it but we're both only qualified in that area of work (v niche) and also have a member of staff who we couldnt afford to make redundant. Just feels like we're stuck.

She has a sleepover planned for the last w/e of the hols when friends are back (which in actual fact gives me a bit of breathing space while sorting out things for Dad)

Oh I promise you that not everyone has holidays full of lovely free time with no stresses and children hanging out with available parents who take them places where money is no object. I promise!

Your children will have a great summer despite it all. We can never give them everything they would ideally like but you’re already ahead of the game having planned the party sleepover ... I literally can’t think that far ahead so I think you’re doing great.

Would the business be better off if you gave up working for it and worked elsewhere for a stable salary?

Downsizing and becoming mortgage free is your best option in these circumstances. Then you should both work full time and aim to make enough profit to at least pay your expenses . If that’s not working then you need to sell the business and invest in something else or both get salaried jobs .
You have a lot going on , don’t be too hard on yourself . Don’t feel guilty about what you can or can’t give your children , it’s a tough lesson for them but important for them to know they can’t have the same as everyone else .

You say you couldn't afford to make your employee redundant.... I'd discuss with ACAS what you can do - even advising the employee they might be at risk of redundancy might trigger them to go find another job off their own bat.

I really do feel for you. We had same problems in the recession around 1990, thought it would never end. I remember not being able to find £4.50 for something our son wanted to do. We were very shabby, seemed to do nothing but work with little to show for it. It was so demoralising and I felt really ill for quite a while.

All I can say to you is - it will pass, it really will, and your children will be fine. You're having a week's holiday, make the most of it.

I'm so sorry about your dad and hope his situation is resolved soon. I also hope that something really good will happen to lift your spirits.

We have been there with a business. It nearly killed us with stress. I didnt sleep for months worrying all day every day.

Closing it was the hardest decision we thought we would ever make. It was really tough for a few years but it was the best decision we made. We didnt have much money and we struggled alot but we managed to keep the house our marriage and our family together.

It wasnt the hardest thing. The freedom of finally doing gave us our life back. We could enjoy normal family time, have a conversation that didnt revolve around the business, money or bills.

There are always other options, it's just when you are so stressed is hard to see them.

You've got such a lot to deal with.

I honestly believe the single simplest thing you can do for your children is demonstrate a good work ethic. I'm a fuck up in many ways but one thing I always do is show up to work bevause I watched my mum bust her ovaries to keep us all going and really admired her. She probably felt bad that we were broke (my dad went bankrupt when I was a teenager) and that she didn't have loads of time to spend with us. I didn't care. I always loved cooking with her, feeding the animals and doing bits of gardening, and if she ever let me help with her work I absolutely loved it. I have brilliant memories of picnics in front of the cricket on the telly and just mooching about on my bike in summer. We stopped having holidays when I was 12 and it was fine with me, at least one of us was always ill on holiday.

I agree totally that downsizing to clear the mortgage would be great, though it's a rubbish time to sell tbh. Ask your dh at least to get some valuations so you can talk about it?

Hi all, Thanks for all the comments. I thought i would update with a few positives (and some negative). So we got through summer, we had some fun times and a good holiday despite typical british weather, and lots of mundane times, but DC have been accepting of it all, even when i have cocked up a few things due to having too many things to think about.

Ddad is still very unwell and after a few hospital admissions was moved into a care home. He deteriorated very quickly at the end of July and is not expected to recover. We have not been given a prognosis but i think he probably only has weeks left to live.

At work things have been marginally better financially, and i think i am nearly up to date with completing all the accounts on making tax digital (and have arranged a meeting with our accountant to try and complete the stuff i dont yet understand)

DD enjoyed her birthday and we have booked a long weekend away in the autumn.
Despite feeling incredibly sad about DDad i actually feel less overwhelmed than i did 2 months ago (i slept really well the first night Ddad was taken to hospital - i think out of relief that he was safe and being looked after)

Your dc are having a weeks holiday and have two working parents so will be in a holiday club. This is perfectly normal.

Your dc are having a weeks holiday and have two working parents so will be in a holiday club. This is perfectly normal.

Thank you. I know it has been said that comparison is the theif of joy but they only have their friends for reference, most of whom don't go to holiday clubs very often (if at all) and have 2-3 weeks holiday abroad. But they were fine, and DD actually asked to come with me to visit gdad at the weekend, even though she had the option to stay at home.

Yes, it just sounds like the people you mix with are very privileged...your dc sound like they have lovely normal lives...

So another update, my Ddad sadly passed away a week after my last post. Whilst it was expected it still felt like an enormous shock, and i still feel a bit numb from it.
The same day our landlord at work proposed to increase our rent bill by 25%. Its all got very stressful again.
DH has fortunately not yet suffered the loss of a parent and i dont feel he understands quite how all consuming and overwhelming it is, and that its actually a huge effort to get out of bed in the morning. I had a day off then back to work, with DH asking me to draft a letter to the landlord and negotiate a lower rate (he is dyslexic and wouldnt really be able to do it)
We had a meeting and i negotiated a lower increase that is just about bearable.

I feel like i am constantly busy and doing things and haven't properly let the emotions out but I'm scared they'll just explode when I'm not expecting it.
Its DS birthday at the weekend and i have booked something for him and some friends, bought a few presents but now in the supermarket realised I've got no treats for him to take in for classmates (the school has banned sweets, which would have been easy!) I'm just on the back foot all the time and thats before even dealing with all Ddads affairs.