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Need advice, first time ive been through this, please dont judge

50 replies

QueenDL · 14/07/2019 21:41

Hi ladies

I'm in a tricky situation and I'm worried about how to handle things. I've kept it quiet until now.

I trust people too easily which is why I want advice and opinions!

Don't even know how to explain how it started? I'm from a family where everyone is seen as your aunt/uncle/cousin (even when they're not related in any way). We never really see each other and haven't since I was a young child.

At a family occasion about 9 months ago I met my 2nd cousin, who I hadn't seen since I was about 6. Didn't even recognise him. He is my grandma's sister's grandchild. Lives 60 miles away.

Sounds like a love story but there was an instant connection, an instant attraction. He was in a long-term relationship and I'm widowed, nothing happened, we just talked (very briefly). When we got home we exchanged a few "nice to have met you, should do it again soon" type messages.

Nothing after that.

Today I went to the annual family get-together. Never been before, as like I said I hadn't seen any of these people since childhood. I only went as I decided it was time to get to know them, in memory of my gran (who was extremely close to them and had always wanted me to be) and so my kids could have some relatives in their lives, even if only twice a year.

My second cousin (let's call him A) was there. Instantly it's butterflies and flushes. We spent a lot of the evening together chatting, little bit of subtle flirting, nothing untoward. He offered me a place to stay for the night so that I could drink instead of drive home.

We get back to his (he split up with his partner 2 months ago). Both fairly drunk but not overly.

We got talking, and he said he had been wanting me for a year (meaning 9 months when he first saw me lol) but that he thought it was wrong as we're 2nd cousins. He said he stopped messaging me because even though the messages were innocent, his feelings were not, and he thought he was sick. Then it all resurfaced when he saw me tonight.

He kept saying it was wrong, our family would never accept it (we come from a culture where everyone is your aunt/uncle/cousin even if not related in any way, so the idea of us together would be intolerable)

He said he'd tried to talk to his best friend about it today, told him he had feelings for me, his friend said it was normal until he realised wht he meant and then said it was sick. Not sure if he was joking or not.

He said nothing could ever come of us, due to the family, but that he wanted me. He said he wanted to see me at least every month (he has 1 kid-free weekend per month) I said that even if it was just sex, he could end up falling in love with me, so that it wasn't a good idea. He said that's what he's afraid of, as he knows I'm perfect for him.

All night he was constantly asking if it was wrong for us to feel this way, if he was a bad person, asking me to promise over and over again not to tell anyone about it. He said he'd thought about me so much but thought it was wrong.

We kissed. And then that was it - once we'd shown our feelings there was no going back. We did try to resist each other, but we ended up having sex. Really good sex! During it, he said "i love you" and tbh as he was drunk it was probably by accident. After, he asked if I regretted it or thought less of him. He was anxious about me going off him or telling people.

We went to bed and in the morning he said he felt like a bad person, and even more of a bad person for wanting to do it again. He said he'd thought about how he'd love to get into bed with me when he woke up (we slept in separate rooms with our kids so he couldn't) not sure if that means for sex or company??

The morning was rushed as he was going to our other cousin's party (I declined the invite as it's a long drive home after). We got our kids ready etc and left. No kisses or anything because our kids were there. The only acknowedgement about us was him saying he felt bad for wanting to do it again.

I ended up staying at my aunt's for the day, I messaged him asking how he was, he asked if I was home safe, when he realised I was still around he suggested I come over to our cousin;s house with the kids (where he was). I said yes but ended up not going as got chatting to other family til late, then went home.

Messaged him saying I'd got distracted but it was a nice night and I'd love to see him again soon.

He hasn't replied, but he's read it. I only have him on fb, He was meant to give me his number but hasn't... it's like hes afraid we'll get too close.

Now I don't know what to think or do - the last time he stopped messaging me he says was because he felt he was sick for feeling this way about me. So it could be that. Or he feels bad we had sex and wants to stay away from me. Or he's anxious that I'm not interested etc. He's very good looking and could get sex anywhere, but maybe I'm an easy target? He seemed surprised I was interested in him though?

He goes on holiday for 3 weeks to our family's villa, can't remember when but he was on about seeing me when he got back.

If I don't see him or hear from him, the next get-together is xmas. Nothing will happen then as I''m not staying overnight and family will be around.

Sounds childish but I'm kinda worried about him meeting someone, or just ignoring me then acting all polite at xmas.

Don't want to come on too strong either.

I''m so confused - I have feelings for him, I do think it's a bit wrong as we''re 2nd cousins, and I know our family would go mad and probably disown him... so I know it'd be a fight to be together... but I can't stop thinking about him.


OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 14/07/2019 21:43

Way too long! Can you bullet point?

notapizzaeater · 14/07/2019 21:44

2nd cousins are ok to have a relationship

LadyBahBahBah · 14/07/2019 21:44


LadyBahBahBah · 14/07/2019 21:46

That was in agreement with Georgiethegorgeousgoat

babysharkah · 14/07/2019 21:49

Couldn't read that; sorry!

IABUQueen · 14/07/2019 22:09

what culture is yours ?

My experience is that in cultures where everyone is your cousin, marrying second cousin is fine...

So... tell him to stop overthinking

Cynara · 14/07/2019 22:14

Why is this such a massive drama? 2nd cousins is fine. Just get on with it.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/07/2019 22:18

I don't know of any culture where getting it on with your second cousin is either considered wrong or illegal.
Even first cousins are legal.
Is there another problem - perhaps the reason why you'd never met your granny' s family?

SallyWD · 14/07/2019 22:18

Even here in the UK you can marry first cousins. I knew a couple (white British) who were cousins and married. Their dads were brothers. Being with a second cousin is fine, surely?

BlueMerchant · 14/07/2019 22:21

All sounds like a farce.
If you both care so much what people think and overthink it all and can't properly communicate I think I'd just forget it all.

redastherose · 14/07/2019 22:24

Yes definitely don't get the 'second cousins it's wrong and family won't forgive us' thing! Can't think of any religion that says that. It may be that he fancied you and wanted to have sex with you and now has gone cold because it's done. If so you won't be the first or the last.

Bezalelle · 14/07/2019 22:24

Its fine. You're barely related.

itsabongthing · 14/07/2019 22:26

First cousins - legal and everything, but a bit icky to me (maybe because I am quite to cousins and have a sibling type relationship with them)

Second cousins, who you weren’t ‘brought up’ with - fine, crack on!

Tho sounds like there are other red flags for a fledgling relationship like how intense it is and how he’s all angsty and that’s why he stopped messaging before....

RogueV · 14/07/2019 22:26

What culture is it?
Second cousins is fine surely?

NeverSayFreelance · 14/07/2019 22:48

I'm pretty sure my grandparents were cousins of some sort lmao.

It sounds more like you don't see the relation as an issue (which it isn't, really) but you're worried about what your family will think. That's understandable. I have no advice, but if he makes you happy then go for it.

Lifeandjoy · 14/07/2019 22:54

Never known it to be okay to have a relationship with a close cousin where I come from. I pretty sure it's not considered "totally okay" by most people in this country either.

I consider 2nd cousin to be close.

In any case, this relationship, if that is what you can describe it as, is doomed. Nothing about it sounds stable.

Cocobean30 · 14/07/2019 23:09

Sorry have I just slipped in to a parallel universe, 2nd cousin means your share a great grandparent? I’m baffled so many people on here think it’s ok you are still blood related 🥵

Lifeandjoy · 14/07/2019 23:12

Cocobean I thought the same. I was taken aback by so many people saying a relationship with a second and even first cousin is okay. I've never, ever known this to be okay except in specific cultures. Certainly not considered okay in most, if not all western countries.

RezCowgirl · 14/07/2019 23:15

Sounds like a trashy novel

Missillusioned · 14/07/2019 23:16

I'm sure I read somewhere that you only share the same amount of DNA with a second cousin as you do with a random stranger. It's not a close relationship. I wouldn't worry about it

Peakypolly · 14/07/2019 23:22

In the United States, second cousins are legally allowed to marry in every state. What's more, the genetic risk associated with second cousins having children is almost as small as it would be between two unrelated individuals. Marriage between first cousins, however, is legal in only about half of American states
Both are legal in the UK I believe.

BrokenWing · 14/07/2019 23:54

All sounds a bit dramatic, 2nd cousin are fine. Or is one, or both, of you getting off on the forbidden fruit angle?

Lifeandjoy · 14/07/2019 23:56

Something might be legal but not socially acceptable. I've never known it to be "just nice and dandy" for close cousins to marry.

It's not illegal to fart in public but it in most cultures it's frowned upon.

QueenDL · 15/07/2019 00:02

it's the way we've been raised, we're Italian and they are super traditional and would view it as completely wrong - they'd disown both of us, more him as he's closest to them.

I guess it's possible he just wanted sex, in which case how do I handle seeing him at xmas? What if he has a new girlfriend by then?

I totally get where he's coming from with the family thing, as there's no way they'd see it as tolerable. It's just how they are. To them, it's akin to incest.

I know he gets anxious and overthinks, and thinks he's sick for feeling how he does. I can only assume he's now ignoring me through shame, or because he wants to keep his distance as he knows if we see each other it'l progress

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2019 00:08

I think you have to keep your distance, and certainly o eeps overs or alone time. He won't give you a relationship because he doesn't want toose him fany and bring shame on you. Even a covert sexual relationship will eventually screw you up with his guilt. Just stay clear

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