Weird lies from school friend, why is is bothering me 20 years later....

[ticking]

This is a bit of an odd one a nd may be a little long.

Had a schoolfriend, letts call her Anne. Friends at secondary, then what young people today would call bff's at collage. We remained friends until we were 28ish, then sporadic contact until our 40's.

I have realised recently she told many lies to me while we were friends (age 16-28) mainly about people at school.

One made a lot of trouble for me at about age 17, she said another friend slept around a lot, at the time I sort of shrugged and said I didn't really know her, but it got back to the person that I'd been saying these things. I now realise it was probably Anne that had said this about me. It's taken me years to work out why people thought it was me saying it. I lost a lot of friends over it and this only left me and her as friends at college.

She told me that another girl at school had slept / had an LTR with the geography teacher, that he was known for it and a predatory paedophile. He was quite young and good looking, but still to this day works at the school. I have vaguely over the years wondered why he wasn't found out. I could have easily reported it/him, but I guess the fact it was second hand information made me cautious.

She told me that my 1st boyfriend at school was gay, they went to the same uni as Anne, so accepted it. Came up with long stories about him, he was also an alcoholic and took drugs, made me quite sad that his life had turned out that way.

There are many others, odd snippits of gossip, over the years, many of which made me wonder why I didn't notice the same things as her when we were at the same school. Many derogatry things about people, alcoholism, sleeping around, abortion...

Reason I've found out??? Well the legendary facebook.... a few of my old schoolfriends have popped up on my timeline, including said 1st boyfriend, who is clearly married with kids and living a great life.

It's really discombobulated me, confused me, and made me start to question everything she ever told me, infact I'm now sure (age 47) that embarrasingly most of it was lies. I'm not a stupid person just really confused why I didn't twig age 17 or even sooner.

I'm not in contact with Anne anymore as we drifted apart and my life went down a very different route to hers. My DH and Kids were the main cause, while she couldn't seem to sustain a long term relationship, no kids, I stopped seeing her as we just didn't have anything in common anymore. She's not on any social media so no way to "vaguely" keep in touch either. Over the years I wondered why she didn't have a family and I couldn't work out why she couldn't find a long term boyfriend.

She always had few friends and again I'm just shocked it's taken me so long to work all this out.

What am I asking?, well I'm wondering if anyone has similar stories, or can make me feel better about being such an idiot about all this. I feel a complete fool, being taken in by her lies, and even though she's not in my life anymore it's left me feeling very very stupid.

Most of it was fairly innocuous but I could easily have mentioned stuff to other people, just lucky that my life moved away from those circles so never repeated any of it to people who might know.

I'll probably get no reponses but it's helped to get it off my chest, it's just left me feelling very very confused that a long term friend actually wasn't truthful. This is really a very first world (and non) problem!

She was insecure and made up lies about other people to isolate you so that she could have your friendship for herself.

Lying and jealousy go hand in hand and she is to be pitied.

I’m saying this kindly: are you sure you are not the insecure one?

You clearly see yourself as superior to her, why is that? Why do you need to revisit this now?

she couldn't seem to sustain a long term relationship, no kids, I stopped seeing her as we just didn't have anything in common anymore.

Nice! You don’t sound like you liked her very much anyway.

Sometimes it takes decades to work things out in terms of other people - we judge people by our own standards so, as an honest person, it never occurred to you that she would lie. And lie that repeatedly and so maliciously.

If you’d met her at thirty-five her lies would have been obvious to you perhaps; but the fact that you were friends from so young kind of ‘set’ the dynamic of trust.

I’ve had those moments where years later it’s clicked that people’s behaviours weren’t as they seemed!

It must feel really disorientating for you because she lied so much for so long and she had a negative impact on your life. Thank goodness she’s not in your life anymore!

Why are you giving this head space now

But the OP knows that, Atrocious

This is - AIBU to think the reason I have a husband and children and my ex friend doesn’t is because she’s a disturbed individual, and I feel good about this because she cost me friendships aged 17?

Lying is an interesting thing, some people don’t like their own reality, feel ashamed of themselves so try to project a more interesting front. Others do it because they lack healthy social skills and have to manipulate others to get the relationship they want. Some people lie to themselves to deny behaviours which they can’t accept. Lots of liars believe the lies they tell, even when faced with evidence.
Maybe someone in your current life is reminding you of Anne? Or you’re doubting something you’re being presented with?
Anne sounds like a very troubled unhappy person, but she’s not your responsibility now, and I doubt there was much you could have done for her at the time.

I think continually is being unkind. I didn't read your OP like that at all.

All of this says an awful lot more about Anne than it does about you. She must be very damaged or disordered in some way. I expect it bothers you because you trusted her and have found out she was not worthy of your trust. You're not an idiot or a fool, nor is this a non-problem. Trust is a precious commodity and yours was betrayed. That is a big deal.

Just one thing: I wonder if you are not very confident in yourself and the validity of your own beliefs and perceptions? If so, I am sure that that is something you could work on, as well as working through your feelings about Anne.

I think you're kind hearted and see the best in people OP. She was in the wrong for lying. It doesn't make you a weak or stupid person for believing her.

I think that it really can take decades sometimes to see people for who they really are.

When you met this girl you were young and insecure and desperate to have a friend, and most likely you would have enjoyed the bonding that goes with sharing gossip - it gives you a feeling of being special, being entrusted with this 'information'.

And even if you knew this friend wasn't good for you (as I suspect you did, deep down), you couldn't have faced up to it as you were too immature and vulnerable. As we get older and more confident, most of us base our friendships on better quality conversations than this sort of gossip, (or have the sense to confine gossip to celebs etc.) and outgrow our need for this sort of validation. It can be quite a shock to look back as an adult and realise what people were really like.

I had a 'best friend' at school who I utterly adored, but she was a nightmare - bullying, controlling, emotionally manipulative. I blamed myself when I lost it with her one day and gave her chapter and verse of how her behaviour was making me feel; in my own head I was the worst friend in the world for doing this. It wasn't till I was in my mid-twenties that I realised that I didn't explode like that without a reason, and I think I was 30 plus with a family before I was able to name that friendship as toxic and bullying. It's not uncommon to have these reassessments through life, and it's a good sign you're moving on.

I don't have any experience of this kind of thing, but I can say that in my 20s I was with a man who wasn't very nice to me after the first uber-romantic year, and it is only recently that I have realised he was a narc abuser.
I can see why you are looking back at your younger self and asking "why?".
I would say - be kind to yourself. You were younger and more innocent/naive.
It's gone, and it's ok.

I love all these posters who have a past so locked away it never bothers them!

I know what you're saying OP. I think it's natural for things to pop up from our past, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are significant now.

I had a very close friend at uni let's call her Mary. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun. My other friends were a bit separate but they had friends from other courses so I put it down to that. Mary was from abroad and asked me to find her accommodation for her last year (I'd graduated and was near the uni at the time) as she couldn't come over early to look. She was a very, very close friend so I didn't mind. I found her somewhere, Ewing not inconsiderable effort because she had a long list of what she wanted, and didn't want. Once everything was sorted, she totally dropped me! Then a few months later, after I'd left the city, emailed to tell me that I'd disappointed her by (essentially) not being rich enough for her and her family. I was devastated. I showed the email to a friend who knew her too and who I thought liked her - and she was first shocked and then said it was totally in character and she's never understood how I could have been friends with Mary.

I thought that was her being a good friend to an upset friend but years later I bumped into a mature student who'd been studying the same niche subject as Mary (6 students in some classes) and she mentioned "Oh Mary! God she was SUCH a bitch!".

I can see the pattern of people not liking Mary but I still cannot see why!! She used to tell me people were jealous of her because she was very wealthy and very good looking - which were two objective truths. She really was stunning and men literally drooled over her, without her doing anything or dressing in anything other than jeans and a normal top! I always put it down to that but still, 20 years later, I can't see anything other than how she treated me at the end that signified "bitch"!

I'm thankful she showed her true colours though before I did anything stupid like look for work in her country because we got on so well....

@AtrociousCircumstance yes this is true, if I'd met her now I'd have seen through it...

@Snappedandfarted2019 because I only just found out - last week. It's like the focus has shifted, alot ofwhat i believed for the last 20 odd years about old friends is a lie.

@continuallychargingmyphone I owuld be friends or would have been friends with her now had we not drifted apart. Mainly the kids, as it did start to get a bit difficult to meet up etc. It's more that I'm shocked at not seeing her for what she was for so many years.

@ahumanfemale yes - thanks for sharing this - it was a bit the same. This has taken so long to realise as I lost touch with many of the people at collage - basiccally because of Anne. I am now wondering if she was a Wendy!