Being fair to the unkind

[IABUQueen]

So I’d like to say that I try my best to be kind, because I believe that’s fairness and I’m very keen on being fair. I like to believe that my kindness should cover everyone even those who don’t reciprocate.

But I’ve massively struggled in the past. I struggle to not take meanness personal. And because of that I struggle to let go in my heart of the unkindness and “rise above it”.

Different situations are different, sometimes it’s kindness to end the friendship and sometimes it’s kindness to tell the mean person how they make you feel and sometimes it’s kindness to give one more chance or confront or ignore or or or ...

But what’s in common is to have that “desire” to want to be kind. To not be consumed by their meanness and your desire to “put them in their place” so that you stick up for yourself. To detach your self worth from their bullying and see it as their own issue alone, empathise because that’s who you are, and then move forward and not engage in that dynamic or let it pollute your life.

I managed to convince myself that unkindness is a choice, that some people have made somewhere in life as a defence mechanism. In a world of unfairness, some women were raised to be “too nice”, and they didn’t have a choice in that.. and it backfired massively and they felt let down by the notion of karma and they feel like becoming the aggressor will protect them from their vulnerabilities and from going through the same trauma.

These people don’t know the difference between kindness out of choice and unconditional niceness. They might even confuse your good heart for being naive- they might even have moments where they protectively try to talk you out of being nice.

This is why being kind, choosing to do so, is the only way to tackle their biggest nightmare and yours. The unfairness that led to you being hurt and led to them making such desperate choices.

But by being kind, or means protecting yourself and doing what’s right by you... without having to drag them down off their high horse.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts I’m on a self improvement journey and just needed to think out loud.

I think that the easiest way of dealing with unpleasant people is to give them no attention at all. It means that you have the power - they can do what they want, but you don't engage.

I will not waste my time and energy trying to reason with adults who behave in a negative way towards me. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Probably they behave like that because they lack self esteem etc but for me it's a reason not an excuse.

I completely understand what you mean... But I wonder where you draw the line between being kind or being too kind. I'm one of those women you mentioned who was socialised to be extremely nice to everyone, and I have real trouble knowing when it's appropriate to stand up for myself. I've started doing it more now but I have no idea whether I'm doing it in an appropriate way because I feel I "should" put everyone else's needs first.

I think that the easiest way of dealing with unpleasant people is to give them no attention at all. It means that you have the power - they can do what they want, but you don't engage.

I found it easy to not give mean people attention that they would notice but within myself it would eat me up because I was struggling to accept that I’m the kind of person to be taken for a ride and I resented myself for not knowing how to stand up for myself if that makes sense.

But I equally wasn’t able to stand up for myself because I couldn’t accept to stoop down to their level of unkindness.. and to me kindness came from a place of empathy and care and I was finding it difficult to do that to a person who has a behaviour towards me that I interpreted as apathetic and uncaring. It’s almost like I was accepting to be beneath them.

So hence I didn’t want to be equal to them in meannness and I didn’t want to be beneath them and accept meanness onto myself and I was stuck in a cycle.

Walktwomoons trust me I was raised this way too. But I also made a conscious choice that no matter what happens I do not accept to ever inflict harm unfairly on someone and I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s misery. It was a choice I made.

I totally relate to you saying that you aren’t sure of an appropriate way to stand up for yourself. That’s exactly meee too..

So garbage I’ve reached the conclusion that kindness and being too nice are seperate things. Being a people pleaser isn’t what kindness is about. Kindness does not take away the choice from you, and does not force you to unwillingly compromise your rights in the process. Being too nice does.

Forgiveness is kind, but forgetting how the other person treats you is too nice.

Kindness is accepting the people for who they are, and accepting that their meanness doesn’t work for you and so you will do what’s necessary to protect your feelings and trust your own instincts in doing so but that you will see the other dimensions of that person and won’t see them and treat them as the enemy.

Too Nice is giving endless chances and defaulting back to people pleasing habits as if to live in denial that this person is the type to harm you or hurt you.. and getting ripped apart for it over and over again..

When we are kind, the parameters are conditional but it all comes from a place of unconditional fairness. When we are too nice, it comes from a place of unfairness to ourselves and the parameters are unconditional...

You can’t take advantage of a kind person who is fair to themselves as they are to you, but you can take advantage of a person who is too nice.

I think many people who became mean, didn’t realise there was never s need for them to be too nice and that being fair to oneself isn’t selfish... and that they don’t have to give up on their instincts to be compassionate and caring to be able to protect themselves from being taken advantage of.

I’m still in the process of self discovery but this concept is where I’m reaching so far.

What do you think?

So garbage I’ve reached the conclusion that kindness and being too nice are seperate things.

Meant to say ; “so far I’ve reached the conclusion ...”

To clarify I’m not saying that every nice person will become mean. But I do think if you expect too much of yourself you will either end up accepting a lifetime of being a victim.. or you will retaliate in frustration and hate yourself for not standing up for your rights and decide to become the mean person that no one can take for a ride...

Or you can find the middle ground between being too nice and mean. Which is fairness and kindness.

To me it was important to develop empathy to the unkind in order to get over the resentment I built up.. and for that I needed to understand why they’re doing it and how they seemed to not have been equipped with the right tools to stand up for their basic rights and so desperately seeked meanness as a way to protect themselves from being vulnerable.

I can empathise with a vulnerable person who is mean to me as a result. I can forgive a drowning person who drags me down with them as they try to gasp for air. It’s instinctive..

The idea is however that teaching our daughters to put others first... is teaching them to always drown themselves so others can survive... we are making ourselves and daughters disposable for the convenience of others. That can’t be fair.

What we can do is teach our daughters how to swim... so that when they see someone drowning they save themselves and perhaps if are able to offer help they would too.

Kindness is that.

So hence I didn’t want to be equal to them in meannness and I didn’t want to be beneath them and accept meanness onto myself and I was stuck in a cycle.

But you can't control the behaviour of others only your own... some people aren't that nice. Why on earth does that put you beneath them?

I think you maybe need professional help tbh.

I regard others how they treat me, while being outwardly civil when I have to be. You can't change people and it's naive in the extreme to think otherwise.

But you can't control the behaviour of others only your own... some people aren't that nice. Why on earth does that put you beneath them?

I meant to say it felt like I was beneath them if I stay being my “nicey nicey” people pleasing self and accepting meanness as if nothing happened, because I didn’t want to hurt them.. while they continue to hurt me.

I struggled for a while to find middle grounds of how to be assertive whilst remaining kind. I think I’m starting to get there slowly