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Original poster

Concerned about son

24 replies

anon1245 · 13/07/2019 22:17

Not sure if this is right place to put this so move it if needed I'm a regular poster but n'ced as this is going to be outing My son has always been difficult ever since he was a baby he would cry for house/when he was a toddler he would run off and be quite naughty and rough with other children and this carried on into childhood. Fast forward to now he's 16 in August and I'm really concerned and worried about him So he had this teacher who would always send him out for rudeness etc. So a few months ago she did this and he said I'll stab you to death in a minute. They passed it on to safeguarding and the police. The police didn't do much as my son wouldn't talk to them. The school have permanently excluded him but they passed us onto a counsellor but my son refused to speak to them. Now I'm at the point were he's started drinking alcohol so have to have none in the house and smoking cigarettes no idea how he's got them as we don't smoke. No schools all take him (he isn't willing to go anyway) and he's missed out on his gcses and he now has no friends as all his friends parents have told them to stay away from ds. I tried to talk to him earlier about his feelings etc but he wouldn't talk he just kept saying I hate him. And that he should've killed her 😢 I tried to phone GP yesterday and my son wouldn't go to the appointment. Any advice or anything I'm desperate!

OP posts:
Soola · 13/07/2019 22:37

He’s carrying a lot of resentment about something.

He needs professional help.

How does he get money?

How does he treat you and your home/his bedroom?

What does he read/watch?

Original poster
anon1245 · 13/07/2019 22:55

I'll try and called GP Monday but on Friday he kept refusing to go

Not sure how he gets the money or gets served

He treats me OK although have the usual answering back. He treats his room OK but he did rip some posters up the other day because he didn't want them. He does say he hates my husband (his dad) a lot

He watches fifa most the time and watches gta occasionally

OP posts:
Soola · 13/07/2019 23:09

How does his dad treat him?

How does his dad, your husband treat you?

Original poster
anon1245 · 13/07/2019 23:23

His dad shouts at him a lot and says he's shouldn't be rewarded for awful behaviour. And that we should take his phone and xbox off him.

Husband treats me well But we did used to have arguments when son was younger but They were never in front of him

OP posts:
Original poster
anon1245 · 14/07/2019 07:35

Anyone

OP posts:
Soola · 14/07/2019 07:38

I understand your husbands frustration when your son is misbehaving, but shouting is just going to push his son further away.

You and your husband need to be together in agreement in ways to help your son.

He needs help. He’s troubled. He’s threatened to hurt someone.

You say you don’t know where he gets money from, that is very worrying.

Is there another family member such as a grandad who he would talk to?

Soola · 14/07/2019 07:42

Phone number for you

www.familylives.org.uk/

Original poster
anon1245 · 14/07/2019 08:18

Thanks I'll look at the links.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 14/07/2019 09:06

It sounds as though your relationship with your son is good.
I can understand your DH becoming frustrated.
Have you just sat quietly with your son on your own and spoken to him, he may feel trapped and defined but his persona, does he 'want' to be that person? Do people expect him to be that way so he can't see a way out of it? Has he ever learned that anger begets anger and it just escalates (the old 'keep doing what you're doing and you'll always get the same result')
May sound odd, but do you have pets? He needs a friend! He sounds angry and confused. I'm so sorry you're going through this

Original poster
anon1245 · 14/07/2019 09:38

I do speak to him on his own but he won't say how he feels or anything.

We don't have any pets.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 14/07/2019 09:47

Could you talk to your Ds about the future. School is over and in the past for everyone.

Could you phrase it along the lines that this teacher might have had it in for your Ds but this teacher is stuck in the school whilst Ds has his whole life ahead of him.

It is time now to look forward not back and get into college or work.

Does he know what he wants to do?

I think having a focus on a career he wants will take the focus off looking back.

daledoback · 14/07/2019 09:52

I'd be questioning why he has such hatred for his dad. He seems very closed. That seems like a red flag to me.

Original poster
anon1245 · 14/07/2019 10:03

He doesn't know what he wants to do. When he was in year 10 he refused to do work experience as he didn't know what to do.

He hates his dad because he's quite strict and has been since son was younger. And as soon as his dad goes in his room my son said go away (he sometimes says it to me aswell)

OP posts:
Soola · 14/07/2019 10:34

Being strict and raising your children to have morals and be a confident and productive member of society is great.

But being strict and making your child despise it be fearful of them is going to lead to an angry and frustrated child.

How does your husband feel about the situation now?

Is he willing to be be mellow with his son and support him rather as opposed to telling him off?

I’m not saying your husband is being nasty I’m just suggesting that his parenting may have been very rigid and not as nurturing as it could have been.

That’s not a criticism, I love my father but he was very strict in many areas of my life growing up and it can lead to rebellion.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/07/2019 10:37

If his father is that strict then what outlet is there for Ds.

He goes from a school where he has to conform to a home where he has to conform. No wonder he explodes.

Used to know a brother and sister growing up who went to a strict private school and at home the mother and father were very very strict.

It didn’t end well.

Children need to be able to let off steam growing up if they need to find out who they are

Is there anyway of removing dh from this situation.
Or at least asking him to avoid Ds and not to get angry at the slightest thing.

Could Ds do online careers tests (Ds did a few to get an idea of which fields he would like to end up in).

At 16 could Ds start to do different types of jobs to see what he likes and what he doesn’t. Or enrol on a college course (something practical and far removed to what he did in school) for the next year.

Usually that would be about 3 days per week leaving 4 to go to work and start saving for the future. A flat of his own, etc.

I would be talking to him about his alcohol consumption and him not going down the usual road of the world owes me so I look for the answers or look to block everything out in the bottom of a beer bottle

I do think your Ds needs to speak to someone but atm he doesn’t want to and I can understand that.

Could you ask he talks to someone as a favour to you.

Or maybe revisit the need for therapy in the future when he has a better handle on life.

If his friends from school aren’t hanging around with him, who is?

daledoback · 14/07/2019 11:02

I'm wondering how strict is strict.

My younger brother did the same thing. He dropped out of school, started smoking weed and drinking, completely rebelling. He also had serious grievances about how he was treated as a child. Our step dad was strict. We didn't realise the severity of how strict he was until he got older and the divorce was done...

Original poster
anon1245 · 14/07/2019 12:07

My husband thinks I shouldn't reward him for bad behaviour as yesterday I asked son if there's anywhere he'd like to go and my husband said I shouldn't reward him for bad behaviour.

He doesn't hang around with anyone now.

I'll ask him if he'd want to go to college.

OP posts:
Soola · 14/07/2019 13:37

I think you should get your son out of the house and go somewhere for a chat. That’s not rewarding him.

I asked about grandparents earlier, are there any in his life?

Your husband is coming across as being rigid and inflexible and if he wants to have a good relationship with his son then he has to change, bite his lip and understand that he’s from a different generation and the problems his son has are based in the now and not how we used to live years ago.

I think your husband would benefit from family counselling as well as your son.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/07/2019 11:15

I don’t think going somewhere for a chat about his future is rewarding him for bad behaviour.

What does your dh think he should do or is he just going to say no to everything or expect him to copy his career.

You need to connect with your Ds and make a plan to go forward.

Maybe not just for your Ds but maybe you need to reassess your life as well

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