Graceful in defeat - how old were your DC?

[DeathMetalMum]

Dd2 6.5, we've just played a few games of cards. Dd won the first, second game resulted in a meltdown because she didn't win (again). We have talked many times about winning and loosing not ott though but it seems to be getting worse as we gets older. Creeping into PE at school - which she's actually fairly able, says she doesnt like PE. Also doesn't like to go on some computer games/apps as they have an element of loosing.

Any tips? Dd is actually really confident when she excels at something but incredibly hard on herself when things are not perfect I need some tips to help her manage? We praise her a lot for little things already, maybe we need to find more things to do this but any other strategies?

Nip it in the bud. My ex has three daughters and all were taught that winning is everything.

They were unable to play family games such as Monopoly without tantrums and tears even when they became teenagers and young adults.

School sports, singing, dancing etc all ruined by them unable to come last in everything or not be the best. They were told by their parents that whoever beat them at anything must have tricked the judges etc and were not as talented as them.

It was very sad to see them struggle with the concept of losing.

What I've seen recommended is games with short duration so that less time has been invested, and where there is some payoff for losing.
e.g. pop up pirates & Jenga, those kind of things.

And also lots of modelling on how to lose.

How do I 'nip it in the bud' though!? We don't have a winning is everything mentality in the household. We fairly regularly play family games where obviously there is only one winner. Dp and I show being graceful in defeat (I'm very competitive but I keep a lid on it). Dd1 jumped the whole of the sack race in last place with the biggest smile on her face at sports day.

Play games which are pure chance such as snakes & ladders. Talk about chance & luck because actually we all need a bit of both to help even in games of strategy.

Do daft things like go up the snakes & down the ladders or play backwards from 100 to emphasise it's just fun. Have a bag of jelly snakes on the side and you only get one if you have to go down a snake.

X-post, short games sound a good idea, jenga is good we have that and pop up pirate but we've had it a while and it doesn't get picked out often.

DS is 18, DH is 56. They are currently arguing over a pool match! We don't have consistent role models in our house

We used to play the beetle game a lot. Dice and luck, we talked about luck but dd still got v upset. But I do like the suggestion, and we haven't played it on a while I'll have to dig it out of the cupboard ahead of the school holidays.

I think some younger siblings can want to win because in family life they often "lose"- can't run as fast, read as well, stay up as late, whatever; so winning at games becomes more important. Does she compare herself to dd1? Is she secure in her own achievements? It might be worth seeing if her self esteem needs a boost (no fault implied to you! Some children just do compare; Some oldest siblings always want to win! Just a thought.)

Does she get a lot of attention when she loses and gets upset? Are there ways you could end the game and distract her quickly into something else so no chance to dwell on the loss? Then maybe later that day tell her how well she handled it and that it made you proud?

Here are some ideas for you, we had this exact problem (and I'm sure many parents do!)

Before you play whatever it is, explain that you'll be happy to play again afterwards providing everyone is still in a good mood.

Dwell on "being a good sport", instead of losing with grace.

Maybe find some YouTube clips of people being gracious in defeat/taking part that counts etc.

We found playing Tongues/Spoons very useful as the aim is not to be last rather than to win... subtle difference, and everyone loses at some point.