Partner lies

[Crazywheeloflife]

I spent the day with my SD and we were talking about my partners upcoming special birthday. I asked her if she had any thoughts on what she would like to get him and would she like my help. We came up with a plan to create a this is your life story book. We have got her nan in on it and she has been collecting old photos etc. I have been in contact with old school friends and secretly meeting them to collect as many memories as we can gather. I said to mySd she may also need the help of her mum and that maybe her mum may even want to contribute to the book herself (they did spend 15yrs together and 2 children). My partners ex also had a special birthday earlier this year and I asked him if he was buying her a present to which he told me NO. He said he was happy with the gift choices the children had made for her and that he had only given her a card as he saw no reason to but her a gift from himself. I would have been completely ok with it if he had but his choice. So when I asked mySD if her mum would want to help with the book she said no mum is buying her own gift as he paid for his ex and her family to go for a meal on her birthday!!! Why did he lie to me about not giving her anything?
Then me and SD were having a giggle at her dads expense over his fashion sense as teens do. And this is where another lie kicks in. Last sunday he had his son for the day while his daughter and ex wife went shopping. He told me later that she had come to his mums house to collect him when they were done and that his ex had waited in the car while his daughter had ran in to collect him. SD said to me whilst giggling about her dads clothes "take for instance sunday while mum was sat in nans garden drinking her tea dad was topless and was flexing his muscles in his skinny Jean's saying look at this for a body" why did he lie to me about her going in the house and should he behaving like that towards her? I'm scared to raise the issue for fear of being told in just jealous etc when in fact I'm not - anything but. I just dont like the lies not the act itself!! Should I be concerned?

I didn't understand a word of that.

I understood you.

The lie about the gift of a meal could have been the mum lying and saying he paid for whatever reason she may have had.

The garden one is a bit odd. Maybe he says stuff like this because his ex gave him grief if she was a jealous person.

My ex use a to lie about innocuous things because his ex wife was very jealous. So for example if he bumped into Fred and his wife he would only say to me that he had bumped into Fred.

I’m not remotely jealous so he did eventually stop doing it but then he turned out to be a liar in general anyway! Not saying your man is though.

Does that make sense?

Oh I'm sorry! In my head typing it out it made sense.
Basically my partner has been lying about little things that shouldn't really matter. He paid for his ex wife and the whole family to go for a meal on her birthday after telling me he wasnt buying her a gift and only giving her a card. He also lied about his ex wife going to his mums house and stepdaughter telling me he was topless in the garden showing off his body to her. He told me she hadn't gone in the house and had waited outside in the car while their son ran out. I have mo issue with them having a friendship but why lie about it

Possibly thought you'd be jealous, was ex wife jealous?

I don't think he was showing off his body to her. I think he was topless already because of the weather, she showed up and they were having a joke.

If he wanted to be with his ex she wouldn't be his ex.

Just ask him about both instances. I agree with PP - maybe he just thinks you're testing him and would get jealous so wants to avoid confrontation.

I'm not aware of her being jealous, she didn't want the relationship to end! and I have met her once very briefly - she was polite.

I know I will be shot down for doing this but after my step daughter told me this I went through his phone monday evening and while we had been out to dinner he had been messaging her asking her how her pilates class went etc - nothing untoward in itself just general chitchat but now they have all been deleted apart from the messages concerning the children. Surely if you feel the need to delete messages you're concerned about the effect it would have. Now this was very wrong of me I know and I feel dreadful for doing it and it's something I have never done before but for some reason I felt compelled to look. I've never in my life felt like prying on anyone before- not even my children when I know their phones could explain things to me. What has gotten into me and why have I at 40yrs old felt that need.

I did far worse when I suspected my ex was cheating!

You need to know where you stand and felt insecure, I fully understand that.

Why is he even having general chit chat with her? Texting about the children is what he should be texting her about not asking about her Pilates.

Sounds a bit too chummy to me.

Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve done nothing wrong here.
You’re suspicious now because your instincts are telling you to be.
Your head is telling you that you would only lie about such things if you had something to hide.
I don’t get the impression you have anything sinister to worry about. I just think it’s an ego thing for your man. Maybe even for her.
Have they started to get along better than in previous years?
My ex (from 21 years ago) still goes on about what I was wearing when we met. He messages me at close to midnight ( whilst wife asleep). He’s invited me to stay at same hotel as him for my daughters graduation. I’m not!
Definitely raise it with him but do it soon before you build it up to be something more.

Ok I take back my initial response following on from your update. You need to confront him.

Maybe he didn't think giving money towards a meal counted as 'buying a gift'?

But it definitely sounds as though he may be more enmeshed with his ex than he's letting on, however, I'd have thought your SD would have said if there was something suspicious going on (that she suspected). Although I guess they could both be keeping it quiet, but you know how kids are for sniffing these things out.

I hate confrontation 😩 and more than anything I hate the thought of there being a bad feeling between us around his birthday. We are all going on our first family holiday together with both of our children next week to celebrate. I've arranged his parents and brother to join us for a surprise meal. I really dont know where to begin with speaking to him and I cannot stand arguments but at the same time feel I'm cheating myself if I say nothing. I feel somehow I will just come off as the bad guy in this 😔

Could you check his phone whilst you’re away? That would be the proof I needed if he was chatting to her about anything other than the children ?

Then talk about it when you get back? But not say you seen his phone, obviously.

@soola my best friend gave the exact smar advice - go on the holiday and suss out a little more
I feel dreadful because in so many ways he seems so dedicated to me and my children. But this has been really niggling at me all week

Funny enough, well not really funny but I went away with my ex when we were together along with my daughter.

I’d already caught him out and he had denied denied denied it and the relationship has floundered for a year as I knew he was seeing her but he wouldn’t admit it and kept saying he loves me, but the holiday was booked and I went for my daughters sake as she was so long forward to it.

At the time I was able to read all his private messages on messenger and he messaged the other woman the whole time.

It was stressful but I tried my best to focus on the holiday and my daughter.

When we got back it was the final straw and it was all over.