Teenagers, allowances and chores/behaviour

[teenagenonfanclub]

Apologies, I know this subject has to been done to death!

Questions I have:
do you expect certain chores to completed?
Is this tied to their allowance?
Is allowance tied to their general behaviour/attitude?

How/do people enforce and structure penalties if expectations aren't met?

Mine grew up with the idea that there were household jobs that need doing, and we all pitch in. Much easier than trying to initiate the idea with teenagers.
We also allocated tasks according to age, skill set and personal preferences. That’s for all of us, parents too. Then we created a weekly grid that we tick off. We found that helped with feeling that one was doing everything whilst others did little, and enabled flexibility if someone couldn’t do their bit.
The chores have changed over the years; changing your bed linen, tidying your room and putting dirty laundry in the basket are no longer relevant to 4 adults sharing a house.
Yes, the chores were linked with pocket money and favours. If they weren’t completed, there were different consequences, such as not giving lifts so they have to walk, or no pizza that week.

Pocket money is money freely given because you can’t really function in life without a bit of money in your pocket. No strings attached at all.

Household jobs are things that need to be done so the house and family function without one person doing all the work. Children don’t get paid for everyday helping.
Big jobs, like washing outside windows or washing and hoovering the car or more than very basic gardening get paid for.

Thank you...so if those jobs aren't done, do you withhold a certain amount? What about their general attitude? Any financial sanctions if they are vile?

Basically the same as Bertrand Russell

But may I say it's sometimes not as easy as saying " involve them from the beginning". My DC always had chore rotas they had to tick off and collective Saturday cleaning hrs from the time they were about six to 12 yrs - and they worked very well, eagerly and competently - after teenagedom hormones kicked in, not so much!

Pocket money given weekly.
Expectation is that everyone helps, set nights to cook and clean up etc.
Everyone does their own washing .

To answer the questions about non compliance: I personally mirror it back. If they haven't done their chores, then I don't drop them off in town or ferry their friends about! Sometimes I turn it around and say "I will collect you after midnight, but only if you have cleaned out the hen house and shifted that pile of wood" etc etc.

I never imposed financial sanctions.

We live 2 miles from the station so once they were secondary age, the natural consequence of not doing their share was no lifts! The prospect of a 4 mile walk concentrated minds wonderfully.....

do you expect certain chores to completed?

Yes, both DD and I do chores because that’s what you do as part of a family.

Is this tied to their allowance? No

Is allowance tied to their general behaviour/attitude? No - not necessary here so far!

One chore a week as basic, eg hoovering, plus change own bed. Totally agree about adolescence erasing all previous domestic obligations! Other chores can be added as punishment or occasionally to ear money.

Really useful to hear others thoughts.

It did occur that it might be easier to monitor compliance if the allowance was given weekly rather than monthly. OTOH I want DC to learn to start budgeting properly. They can't seem to spend money quick enough

Also, just wondering how much you give to a 14 and 12 year old? 14 yo also has £25 million phone contract paid and 12 yo £10 payg

Dd gets her allowance regardless.
No set chores but an expectation that she pitches in because she lives here. Seems to work for us.
Dd is worryingly compliant but if not would do as I did with her siblings and refuse lifts and being quite so enabling. The prospect of walking to and from school or going to fetch their own cooking ingredients or not hosting their friends seemed to be enough for them.
Dd is 16 and gets £100 per month she pays £5 for sim only contract.

I’m not meaning to sound smug about involving them from the start, it’s one of the many positives about having children with HFA. Present a logical argument, set up a fair system and watch it go!

I definitely accept that I should have set up a household chore structure way earlier. Totally made a rod for my own back by taking the 'easier to do it myself' line. Lack of consequences for failure to comply compounded their sense of entitlement.

They will do occasional things like walk dog, empty dishwasher etc but not without a barrage of grief, hence why I asked about withholding portions of the allowance.

Withdrawing goodwill works better than squabbles over losing money.
All the extras you do to parent them. Work to rule!

Decent of you to post that Heffalump In turn I I hope I didn't sound arsey which was not my intention. We all have different challenges.

My grandson aged 14 gets £9 a week. If attitude isn't great he can lose £5 of it but not the other £4 which I supply paid weekly on a plastic card. Will start same with grandaughter when she goes to high school in September. At the moment she gets £2 from me and random amounts from parents as needed. Her parents will also start her on the £5 a week in September. She is very easily managed and I can't see her losing any pocket money regarding attitude ext. They both empty dishwasher as a matter of course and tidy own rooms. Grandson also takes bins out. He can earn extra money by doing extra chores. Grandaughter eager to help anyway and so far hasn't really needed any incentive. Probably will change if/when she wants more money in high school.

@Thepurpleheffalump agree with you possibly one of the few positives of parenting HFA teens. Dd loves rules, follows them to the letter, so no danger of non compliance here.

Any more suggestions on how much to give?

Separate here - pocket money is a tool to teach budgeting, household jobs are just part and parcel of living here. They share loading and unloading the dishwasher, and are all expected to keep their own space tidy (two share a room and have a "side" each) including stripping their bed once a fortnight (there's a rota!) The older two (12 and 15) do their own laundry. Other jobs get done by all of us when needed.

Pocket money is £10 a month at primary, £20 a month in secondary. I pay for phones (at basic level - oldest has an expensive contract that was his birthday present) and a family Netflix and Spotify subscription. If oldest stays in 6th form or college then that will change to an allowance to cover his basic expenses (bus fares, lunches) as well as clothing, haircuts, phone, his share of Netflix/Spotify. Probably about £200 a month.

It’s difficult to say- it depends on lots of things. What you expect them to buy with it- does it include clothes and clubs and travel and toiletries or do you still buy those? And how much you can afford. I always gave mine as much as I could- it’s nice to have money. But some people disagree and think it’s a learning curve to have to budget.

Really interesting... definately need a rethink. I stopped their allowances as got sick of them not helping out enough. But that does nothing to foster good budgeting skills.

Realistically it would be for socialising plus anything above and beyond basic toiletries and clothes. No buses around here so money not needed for travel.

I always tried hard never to use food or money as punishments - penalties should be "luxuries" that they can perfectly well manage with out. Maybe screen time, lifts which they don't really need - varied a lot depending on age.

Household tasks are basic life skills and everyone needed to share those.

Start early - mine all helped with basic tasks and cooking and kitchen skills very early (I'm fine with children using knives and cookers). It wasn't perfect, we had our share of "not fairs" and messy bedrooms at times but they are all now capable adults managing their own lives and were so by the time they went to university.

I erred on the generous side for pocket money but they did have to budget. The amount depends entirely on what they have to buy with it. Is it all just 'spends' or are they buying their own bus tickets, clothes, lunches etc? I did give extra money for ad hoc tasks such as washing the car (which was largely for my benefit )

Yes- as I said, living 2 miles from the station gave me a built in sanction!