I'm hoping talking this through will help me understand what I'm doing?! I am sabotaging a friendship.

[vicarinatutuu]

I am sabotaging a friendship and I'm not sure why. I thought that perhaps if I get it all out and get some ideas from others I might be able to stop doing it.

I have a really lovely friend of 8 years, she has always been there for me and she is thoughtful and kind. She has really taught me a lot about being a good friend. We have been on holidays together and have a great laugh. Lately I have avoided meeting up with her and get really panicy when we do see each other.

The negatives are I suppose that she has very high morals and can be a bit judgey but never to me.

I kind of fell a bit in love with her for a bit but I thought I was over that as it was stupid and nothing would ever happen.

I don't always know what she actually thinks as she is a real people pleaser and I don't know if she is just saying what I want to hear.

She also made a new friend recently and I'm not sure if that bothers me but that is ridiculous obviously.

Oh this hasn't helped ! I don't know why I don't want to see her!

If you are learning about being a good friend in adulthood, that suggests you weren't able to enjoy 5hese things as a child. You may have ambivalent feelings about being in relationship- great, but scary.

Unpicking the feelings will help you decide how to deal with them.

In the meantime, a card saying 'thanks for being a good friend- sorry I'm a bit distant right now, I'm working some stuff out' would buy you some time and space.

That is a great idea pickleme. The card.
I did have good relationships with friends as a child and teen but she has taught me how to think what my friend might need before they even know. Perhaps that is the pressure? She is so good that I can't live up to how she is. She texts me nearly every day. Perhaps it's too intense?

You’re struggling because you see her as ‘judgey’, ‘intense’ and you think she may be not her true self (just saying what you want to hear).

I think your last post makes her sound manipulative. It’s not normal to know what someone wants before they want it - unless they are in a particularly emotional/stressed state and not thinking clearly.

Why would you be friends with some who you feel the need to live up to??

Distance yourself and concentrate on real friendships.

When I say that she thinks of what I need before I do, I mean things like childcare - she will offer before I realise I need it or a lift somewhere. She really is very thoughtful and kind and people warm to her.
Perhaps it is the things you have reflected back to me.

Could you say to her-
I enjoy your company, appreciate how thoughtful you are, but honestly I worry that I am not living up to your standards! I'm starting to feel under pressure to be someone I'm not.
I don't want to let you down, but can't be any more than I am.

I don’t think she sounds nice. Good friends aren’t expected to be clairvoyant! She has high standards that you feel anxious about so she is very vocal in her moral judgements, intense in her interactions - I think you’ve bought into her vision of herself, not necessarily who she is. Sometimes you get types that promote themselves as kind, loving and all round ‘good’ but really love being surrounded by people that worship them and that they feel make them look better as they are actually quite vain....it’s not a nice quality

Hmm that is interesting. I really don't think she expects so much from me but because she is so kind and considerate I feel I have to make sure to be too. She would probably hate it if she thought I felt like this.

She hasn't mentioned that I've been avoiding meeting up or anything.

This is helping me to understand my feelings. Thank you

After 8 years if you weren't "good enough" or up to her standards, the friendship would've died.

So why are you suddenly stressing about it now?

Something has to be the catalyst for all of this,as the words you use to describe her are quite negative.

Are you sure your feelings for her are truly gone , or just buried as it's never going to happen?