When you decide to break contact with a family member and others try to persuade you not to

[Freaking0ut]

Sorry, the subject line was difficult to write. Following a particularly unpleasant exchange with my father, I have made the decision to cut contact. It has been a very long time coming and I have tried to do it once before. I told my mum about it yesterday (they are divorced) and she was supportive and understanding, but today I’ve had a voicemail saying how I should reconsider, I’ll regret it etc.

I feel quite resolute and strangely unemotional about my decision. Anyone else had this? Other people trying to persuade you not to do NC? How did you deal with it?

We have always said that other people need to make their choices according to their beliefs, and we will respect them. In turn, we require them to allow us to make our choices according to our beliefs, and to respect those.

And if you're feeling quite resolute and unemotional about it, then that's a fairly good sign you're confident you're doing the right thing for you.

Yes, I've gone through it. Sorry you're in that position because I know how difficult it is.

Yes, I had people telling me I shouldn't go no contact but they were wrong. In my case, going NC was incredibly freeing, once I'd got over the guilt & difficulty of actually doing it.

Sometimes people said it because of their own view of the importance of 'family' as a concept. Sometimes it was because they were invested in the facade of a united family, no matter what the reality behind the scenes. Sometimes they tried to use me as a human shield, i.e. without me there to take the flak, more of it would come their way.

Just stick to what YOU want to do. It's nobody's life but yours. It may take a few goes at NC (I was persuaded back once). That's OK.

One way of looking at it which helped me was to ask myself, "What would this person have to do/how would they have to act, in order for me to be comfortable about seeing them & having them in my life?" Inevitably, whatever it would take was in reality completely impossible unless the person about to be NC'ed became a totally different personality. And then I knew that there was no way forward except NC.

Considering that she didn’t like the prick well enough to stay married to him, she’s got a cheek! Just tell her that you have no problem if she wants to maintain a friendship with him and you’ll never judge her on that, but you need to look after your on health and having a relationship with him is not conducive to that. Why is his rights to upset you, more important than your right to be happy.

You ignore them and give them a bit of a cooling off period. We went NC with a parent for a couple years and it was absolutely the right thing to do, despite how anyone else felt about it. It forced that person to re think their behaviour and sort themselves out and we were able to re establish limited contact which has been great. So it completely worked and was worth the little bit of drama caused.

I think all you can do is ignore. Sometimes they dont have your best interests at heart when they are trying to persuade you not to go NC... usually it's because it would make things awkward for them.

I have gone NC with my brother due to some illegality on his behalf. My Mum has been very angsty over it and actually came out with "well all I worry about is what would happen if something happens to one of us (Mum or Dad), that you wont be able to sort things out as your not talking".

So not really thinking about me, more how it would affect her

Is she worried he’ll blame her for you going NC? Lots of support and info over on the Stately Homes thread.

I'm NC with my sister, and our Mum tries constantly to tell me what she's doing and that it's upsetting her that we don't talk etc. But I'm really not interested in going back down that road.

She made me miserable for years with her nitpicking, criticism and nasty behaviour. I know that I've done the right thing for me.

Thanks all, a lot of what you’re saying really resonates with me.

One way of looking at it which helped me was to ask myself, "What would this person have to do/how would they have to act, in order for me to be comfortable about seeing them & having them in my life?" Inevitably, whatever it would take was in reality completely impossible unless the person about to be NC'ed became a totally different personality. And then I knew that there was no way forward except NC.

This 100%. Something needs to change, and it’s the way he speaks to me and treats me. He tolerated me because he wants a relationship with my children but that’s not good enough. I have bent over backwards to facilitate this over the last 5 years but he is still rude, self obsessed and I think many of his traits are narcissistic. It has become impossible and I have reached my limit. Today I feel numb and actually quite relieved, like a weight has been lifted.

I think my mum’s advice is well intentioned and comes from a good place, she doesn’t want me to have regrets. She has been incredibly tolerant of him, given that he had an affair and walked away from a 20 year marriage to her. However I feel resolute.

I went nc with my dad about 18 months properly. This was after years of me saying that's it I had enough of the nasty way he speaks to me when he's in a mood . I didn't for 2 reasons he's my dad and because of my dc his dgc .
Anyway last time was the final straw I had enough of him ruining family occasions and upsetting me so I went nc .
My dm and dB both kept trying to encourage me to sort it out but they would go along with his behaviour. 2 of my dB stopped speaking to me ( the irony) anyway I screenshot one of his nasty messages one day when he felt he had to rant at me and sent to my mum and dB . They are now fully supportive ( to my face anyway ) but at least I don't get asked constantly to sort things out anymore. 1 of my dB still doesn't speak to me I guess he has made his choice .
The thing is what people don't realise you go nc after many many occasions of upset , angry etc it's not just being stubborn.
The best advise is just explain you want less stress and he brings you stress so please respect my decision although my experience they don't .
Be strong do what makes you happy not others .

Sometimes they dont have your best interests at heart when they are trying to persuade you not to go NC... usually it's because it would make things awkward for them.
100% agree with This .

No children should have to have a relationship with a relative (or anyone else) who treats their mother so badly.

Good for you, and stick to your guns.

No children should have to have a relationship with a relative (or anyone else) who treats their mother so badly

troublewithnargles thankyou, that is a really helpful way to put things into perspective.

No children should have to have a relationship with a relative (or anyone else) who treats their mother so badly

@FreakingOut Should a child have a relationship with a family member who treats other relatives badly?

Ideally, a child should not be around any family disputes or disagreements and definitely not witness to any violence or verbal abuses. It does happen though and sometimes it is the child's parent who is being abusive yet we have to leave the child with that parent. It does happen. Not every parent is perfect.

thebouquets I think I understand where you’re coming from. It’s bloody unacceptable that any kids are exposed to any kind of abusive relationship between adults.

Thankfully, whenever my Dad would see my kids (on average once every 3 months), it was a happy experience for them all. I tolerate his behaviour, am friendly and accommodating. However, it is his messages which are so unpleasant, rude, entitled. It’s gone on for so long, I’m just exhausted by it. And I’m his daughter and yet I get treated with such contempt by him. It’s like I’m only good enough for producing his grandchildren.

My childhood with him was happy. I don’t know where it all went so wrong

@FreakingOut

In your situation, everything was fine during your childhood but turned when your DC arrived.
In my situation, there were changes in persons around the family and from there things changed. I was reminded by a professional this week how different things were in the past.
It is strange how things can change so drastically.
It is up to ourselves to decide what is acceptable for ourselves.