Frozen embryo adoption and risks

[TimmyTheDog01]

I have a very unique situation. Well I think it is anyway!
My first son (7) has an ASD diagnosis. He’s doing well but the preschool years were very tough. And he still needs lots of help and support but he’s a great little man.
My second child is great fun but challenging. I am monitoring him for ADHD, also has mild traits of ASD but he’s doing fine. He’s charming and lovable but very demanding too.

DH and I put ttc’ing fir a third on hold. When we eventually tried, we discovered infertility issues. For a number of reasons we have decided to adopt a frozen embryo. At first, I thought it might help with concerns about another child with ASD, but to be honest, that has worn off now. I have looked at all kinds of research and frightened myself. What if our adopted embryo baby has ASD. The complexity of emotions would be impossible.
I am 40. For me, this is the last opportunity I will take. I am devastated at the thought of not having another baby for myself and my kids. But is it worth the risk?
I have PCOS, I am almost 4 stone overweight, on medication for insulin resistance as a result of PCOS. Latest bloods have shown that I will need extroxin during pregnancy because my thyroid results are too low for successful pregnancy.
Do I just enjoy my boys?i know I’m so lucky already.
Is the risk too big? Not just ASD but any kind of intellectual disability or neuro developmental difficulty. ASD has brought me to my knees at times. I’ve bent over backwards to help my son reach potential. Happy to do it. It’s my choice to do and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am so immeasurably proud of him but I am also painfully aware of how hard it has been at times. Is this worth the risk?
I’m just rambling now. I’d appreciate any thoughts ☺️

What is frozen embryo adoption?

I think the two issues are separate - whether you could cope with further stress in your life (which might be to do with another child with additional needs or might be entirely unrelated), and whether you should go for embryo adoption.

You don't say explicitly, but are you worried that one of the stressful things would be having a baby not related to you? If so, I would say (glibly, but it's my experience) don't worry.

OTOH, if you already feel so close to breaking point ... well, any baby is going to be stressful. Of course it is. Even if it's the best, most amenable baby and lovely child in the world.

Without sounding totally stupid, is ASD genetic? If so I can see your logic. DH are I will be using a sperm donor for our second child (DD1 had a rare undiagnosed condition and there is no way to know if it was genetic).
The other thing to consider is how you would cope if the next child had health issues (anything at all). Could your family cope/ be ok? For me, the chance of happiness from having another baby is high enough to endure fertility treatment/ a high risk pregnancy, but I (sadly) don’t have any other living children to consider now.
Sorry to be blunt but have you found a clinic willing to treat you if you’re bmi is high? I know most clinics have an upper limit...

Sorry, but I think you should quit whilst you're ahead. It's madness to even consider this when you have so much on your plate already. Of course there are no guarantees and you could easily end up with a profoundly disabled child.

What are your reasons for wanting a third child?

Could you cope if you had another chance lad exactly like your DS1?

I suspect you hope adopting an embryo will mean you have a child different to the ones you have already....but there is NO GUARANTEE as to what type of child you have.

I also say quit while you're ahead. Having once child who has you on your knees suggests having a third might but be the best idea.

I am devastated at the thought of not having another baby for myself and my kids.

Your two children have additional needs and you say they're very demanding. Would another sibling that takes time, attention and resources away from them really benefit your children? I think you need to be honest with yourself about your motivations for having another child and how you'd cope if the third child was equally as demanding as the older two.

I agree with PP- you need to look at your reasoning honestly. A sibling would not benefit your existing children and would leave you with less time for them.

@Ofjoseph presumably it's when another couple have donated an embryo for another unrelated couple to have transferred and implanted.

Without sounding totally stupid, is ASD genetic?

There are genetic factors to ASD and it often runs in families. The numbers given to me by Das neurologist were that the risk of ASD for an average pregnancy/child is around 1-2% but if you already have a child with ASD that risk increases to around 20%. If you have two (or more) children with ASD then this increases it even further to around 30%.

OP, I would quit while you are ahead. Having seen friends go through it, IVF is not a magic bullet. It is gruelling both emotionally and physically, could you put your DC through such a period of uncertainty if you're feeling too wrung out to give them the full care and attention they need?

Thank you all so much for your respectful replies.
It had always been our intention to have 3/4 children. We changed our plans to give our 2 children the best start we could. At the back of my mind we were always going to try for a third though.
I have 2 siblings and I want the same for my children. I see how much both of my children enjoy their baby cousins. There is such a thing as baby therapy for ASD believe it or not! If we were to have a typical child I think it would enhance our family and be of great benefit to my boys.
But therein lies the problem. It’s just an ‘if’ and there are no guarantees. I know I’m lucky but my heart is breaking at the thought of this being it. No more meeting another little person. No more first smiles, words, first day at preschool. And I didn’t know that my last first, would be the last💔
I wasn’t overweight on my first but I had to work very hard not to be. Time and stress and the carer not caring for herself has led me to a size 18. And that’s just not helping the situation or my thoughts about it.
When I say ASD has brought me to my knees, I was being honest about how bad it has gotten. Time and support has helped everything so we’re in a much better position now but it’s still in the too recent past to forget that I have felt utterly alone and despairing of the future.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to give your thoughts and for wording then so kindly but with honesty.
Everything seems to be pointing to the sane conclusion. I should just enjoy what I have and be grateful for being so fortunate that I can do that☺️

@MauisHouseOnMaui
We have been through a year of txt naturally. We are on the cusp of embryo adoption -as in in the next week or so. I am already on preparatory meds and coping fine. I think I may have misrepresented myself. I am fine but there have been occasions when it has been very stressful especially in the preschool years and I was left empty by it all. For this reason, we waited until we could cope with juggling everything which is why I find myself here at 40