Is this normal for a 9.5 year old and am I just being too sensitive?

[expatinspain]

At the moment my 9.5 year old DD is spending 3 weeks of the very long Spanish summer hols with her grandparents in the UK. She is having a fabulous and very active holiday and doing a lot of activities she doesn't normally do.

While she's been away I've sent her some messages saying hi, what's happening here, asking her about what she's been up to and general chit chat. Most of these have been ignored or responded to with one word answers. I've spoken to her briefly twice, as they're always doing something or about to do something and she's been fine and chatty on the phone, but when I suggest a time to call she's arranged to call her friends and puts me off until another time.

I know she's having a good time and I should be happy she's not missing home, but I am feeling a bit hurt that at 9.5 years old, she's not really fussed at all about being away and not bothered about catching up and keeping in contact. I'm sure I'm just being ridiculous and sensitive, as I'm missing her a lot. If she was 13/14, I'd kind of expect this, but she just seems a bit young to be this unfazed that she isn't even bothered about talking! Is this normal?

We have been having some issues with her 'tween' behaviour recently and I'm wondering if that's it now. We've kind of lost her to that tween/teen phase for the next x amount of years. I'm a little unprepared for that tbh 😥

Children live in the now, her now is 3 weeks in the UK with her grandparents.

They dont send long texts, one or two words and its easier for her to not think about home

Thanks Quartz. I'm sure you're right.

Its ok to miss her a lot though! Enjoy your reunion when she returns x

You said that your daughter is having a great time here,and as she is with her loving grandparents,you know that she will be safe and happy.

Although you will be missing her big time, she will probably just be doing so many things,and in the good weather here of late. that she is just filling her days with experiences,and not keeping up contact with you,which is quite normal for youngies.

She will probably, and hopefully,fill you in with all that she has been doing when she gets back to you.

Thanks HeroComplex! She's back a week today! I'll be very happy to see her again. With the behaviour issues, I was quite glad of the break to begin with. She was even being stroppy the morning she left. It's been a bit stressful in the last six months or so. I'm probably feeling guilty about being glad to see the back of her for the first few days. After that had worn off, I really started to miss her. I think it's probably been a good break to have a fresh start with how I deal with the 'tween' behaviour, because before she left I was worn out with it and not handling things in the best way at all times.

Could her phone be part of the problem with her tween behaviour? I would suggest you check with her grandparents as to how much time she spends on her phone when they’re supposed to be spending time together.

1ForAll74 Thank you, you're absolutely right. I'm really glad I started this thread, as I was feeling a bit down in the dumps about what is completely normal kid behaviour. I don't have a very good relationship with my mum, so I think sometimes I can overanalyse
things, as I never want the same for me and DD.

My DS, who is very loving and cuddly still, was the same at that age when staying with grandparents. Totally in the now, and was keen to get off the phone to us so he could go back to watching TV, eating or playing with the local kids.

TeddyBear45 She's definitely not been spending much time on the phone while with them, but yes, her phone and behaviour are definitely linked and we need to find a solution to that as that has been a problem. I
didn't allow phones/tablets etc until she was 8, but now her and her friends are becoming much more into them and it definitely isn't good for family time and also general behaviour.

I was like this as a child (although there were no mobile phones then). When we went away with school, everyone would be queuing up to phone home except for me. I have never been too keen on the phone, I prefer face to face.
I have always had and still have a very good relationship with my mum, so don't read anything into it!

Good to hear BluebirdHill

I think it’s either that she’s so busy having a great time, she’s just not thinking that you are missing her and living in the moment, or she is a bit hacked off that you have sent her away for three weeks and is giving you the cold shoulder. You know her so will have a better idea of which it is. Either way, you have to admire her independent streak and knowing that she is safe fight against being a clingy parent.

AnyoneBut She's definitely like that on the phone, apart from with her friends, who she could spend hours talking to, if we allowed it!!

She’s 9, in another country having a great time and that’s what’s shes thinking about because she’s 9. Children live in the now

Text each day but something simple like Enjoy your day, love you xx or whatever and leave her to enjoy it!

Awwww, I'm sure it's not for a second that she's not missing you!

It sounds like they are keeping her super busy and that she hasn't yet learned to communicate that well using texts/messaging apps.She probably is just in the moment and super excited by everything immediate - but that doesn't mean she doesn't need/love/want you just as much as ever!

Good luck with the terrible tweens!

It’s interesting that you say you didn’t have a very good relationship with your mum. Quite often we get triggered by behaviour in our kids that wasn’t tolerated by our own parents. Phillipa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is really helpful.
I realised the inexplicable rage I felt when my kids made a mess when they were cooking was an echo of how my DM was with me at their age in that situation, and once I understood that I could step back a bit.

or she is a bit hacked off that you have sent her away for three weeks and is giving you the cold shoulder.

This did cross my mind, but she's spent time
with her grandparents for weekends, trips (the longest for two weeks), on many occasions, so I think she's pretty happy to be with them. She's doing many more exciting things than she would be doing at home!

Herocomplex I'll have a look at that book. My mum sent me to boarding school and was always angry that I didn't write enough or didn't talk enough when I was on the phone. Tbh, by then our relationship was just awful, so in my case, I just didn't want to. I wanted to be left in peace. Definitely could be something in what you're saying.

expat it was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised what I was doing. It’s a short book, very non judgemental. Hope it helps you! Xx

I would take it as a positive that you’ve raised such a confident little girl that she’s capable and happy to be away for 3 weeks! Enjoy the time to yourself, and recharge. She’ll be back before you know it!

It’s actually the best thing that she feels confident and happy as it would be awful if she was ringing you in tears.

The grandparents sound fantastic.

However, as a parent we always miss them when they are away and look forward to hearing all what they have been up to.

Earlier this year my adult daughter and her partner went on holiday and I took to and from the airport.

When I picked them up I arrived early and was so excited about seeing them and hearing about their holiday.

All I got was, “Great!” “Lovely!”

soola Glad to hear it never changes 😂

Thanks everyone for your comments. I definitely feel better than I did a few hours ago! I'm going to enjoy the last week of peace and quiet without stressing unnecessarily!

Totally normal