21 years on I can’t get over losing my baby *possible trigger *

[WatchingDanEvans]

I just can’t. I think about her every single day.
I have DCs that I absolutely love to death.
I’ve surprised myself at not being a cotton wool parent when I should have been.
I literally cannot get over that I did something wrong.
I had HELLP at 24 weeks.
I feel like I’m in purgatory.
I was asked to switch off her life support. I knew it was the best thing but I couldn’t.
I was selfish & said no because I would always think if I did what if she would have survived.
I’m sorry just a crap night 21 years on

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby daughter

I am so sorry. Is it your daughter's birthday today?

No it’s not her birthday today.
She lived for 9 days.

It’s just the constant guilt that I did something wrong.
I’ve always said I’m an expert at falling pregnant but absolutely crap at growing a baby.
I did everything right. I never took a drop of drink or anything to jeopardise the baby.
2nd born with a heart defect
3rd born with a kidney problem & had to have an operation at 9 months

Please be kind to yourself. I think you did the best you could given the circumstances. I believe when you lose a child you lose a part of yourself and that is what makes it so difficult to recover from. From the moment you find out you're pregnant you start dreaming about what that child will be like - will they be look like you, will they be kind, will they have lots of friends at school - the list is endless. When something goes wrong and your world then comes crashing down around you you're left with a lot of "what ifs" and questions you'll never really ever get answered and that can be hard to get your head around. Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to or do you feel that they have all moved on?

I'm so sorry. Losing a baby is something you never really get over.
Would it help to talk to someone - SANDS group? Bereavement counsellor?

@MsMamaNature - I reached out for the time ever tonight.
A distant friend posted about loss on FB about child loss & I private messaged her.
It felt amazing to to just say my little girls name & acknowlege her.
The worst thing is
When she was delivered I remember saying I don’t want to see he/she.
I completely wanted to disconnect myself.
Of course as soon as I could I went to see her & loved her.
Just so many regrets.
Did she give up because she felt I gave up on her ?
I never did but I didn’t do enough to protect her

I'm so sorry. You didn't fail her.

Is something happening with another of your children? I felt much worse anger and grief over my lost babies around the time my surviving DD left home. It's as if you have to re-adjust to the loss whenever there's a big change in your life. As I'm coming to terms with DD not living with us full-time, the old griefs are becoming more manageable again.
I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Oh, OP. You absolutely didn't fail your daughter. But it really does sound as if you should see a bereavement counsellor.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this

I'm glad you have found someone you can open up to. Sometimes you find that once you start opening up to someone the floodgates open and all sorts comes out.
If you don't mind me asking, did you ever find out what exactly caused the loss of your daughter? - sometimes people find some degree of comfort from knowing about possible medical issues/complications.
I really don't think you have anything to feel guilty about - you were ill yourself during the pregnancy, you did everything you could.

She essentially died from a skin infection.
I know in my heart & mind if she had survived she would have been disabled . We would have loved her .
I never ever thought I would be asked to let my child go. The doctors woke up us in the night & asked us to make the decision.
We couldn’t say yes. We should have done.
NHS resources but we couldn’t.
I went from not wanting to see because I knew I would want to die when I saw her to wanting to do everything to Will her to live

I think what you went through is pretty much every parents worst nightmare. We aren't really programmed to think something will go wrong in a pregnancy or after birth because it just seems so cruel and unnatural in a way, in the sense that we aren't supposed to outlive our children. That is what makes it so difficult to make those big decisions regarding life support, etc.
Do your other children know about your daughter?
Do you commemorate her together in any way?

My cousin's eldest son died as a result of cot death at 6 weeks old. It was many years before they were mentally and emotionally able to have another child. Their subsequent children all know about the brother they lost and they still mark his birthday, etc. This way of doing it works for them as a family but I appreciate it wouldn't necessarily work for everyone.