Should I tell my DH that my DS8 told me he wants to be gay

[MarcoPolosJourney]

Ok - so I know I’m going to be flamed for this in all directions - over reacting to an innocent kids comment / stereotyping gay people etc but I’m going to try and say it how I see it in the hope of getting genuine advice.

Firstly, DH is quite ‘live & let live’ however he comes from a culture which is very traditional. In the thousands of people I know of from that culture (personally, relations, friends of friends, famous people etc), I do not know of one single openly gay person! I’d never thought about it until today but literally not a single one!

My DS8 has always been a little bit different - I know all kids are different from each other but he’s even a bit more different. It’s difficult to describe without it sounding very superficial (ie favourite colour is neon pink, likes sewing, doesn’t like football, loves dancing and prancing and putting bobbles and clips in his hair) and generally acts in a slightly effeminate way. He started to ‘grow out of it’ a little when he started school, but it is now becoming more pronounced. He’s totally lovely - and I love him to bits however he turns out. DH is quite ‘manly’ in his interests and is a little uncomfortable when DS enjoys doing sewing or asks me to teach him to knit etc. I’ve always just reinforced that those activities are just for people - neither especially for boys or girls.

So DH is away at the moment, and my DS said in passing that he wanted to marry a lesbian. Turns out what he meant was that he wanted to be gay when he grows up. It wasn’t a big announcement, just a comment in a conversation about why grown ups need to work or something.

Now I know he has a lot of growing up to do - and lots of kids want to marry whoever their friends are etc. However, this just felt a little different.

So - the point is (and yes I know I’m over-thinking).... do I mention the conversation to DH. If he’d been at home, I probably would have said it without giving it much though. However, as he is away, by the time he gets here - it feels like if I’d be making an issue of it if I mentioned it. On the other hand, if I don’t mention, it also feels odd and I think it’s because of the whole culture thing too. So whatever I do now is unnatural... so any thoughts to help me work in my mind what to do?

Well I'd probably just mention it naturally as a normal anecdote about something my child said.

You're trying really hard not to say that your partner is a homophobe. If you think that mentioning this will make him treat your son any differently, then don't mention it. It was a passing comment by a child. Do you need to tell your husband about every little comment your kid makes?

Whatever your son will be in the future, at the moment he's a small child and sexuality should not be a concern.

I wouldn't bother. He's 8. My 8 year old old wants to go dancing on the rings of Saturn and thinks when you die you go to the Earth's core and get to be on TV. They say all sorts of shit at that age.

Has your DH ever expressed homophobic views? You must know how he (as opposed to his 'community') stands on this?

Take comfort that he felt comfortable enough to say such a thing to you. As for your husband, I wouldn't mention it, but it does sound I'llike it will come up again some time in the future.

I wouldn’t mention it: he might be gay he might not. 8 is very young.

My close friend who is gay says he knew from primary school that he was gay.

Your Ds might well be but he might well not. Does he have other plans for his future (paleantologist / ice cream inventor / to find his real father who came into your tummy down the telephone from a spaceship were some of my Ds’ s plans aged 8, alongside his marriage plans) that may or may not be on the same level as marrying a lesbian?

The thing is: your child shouldn’t be defined by his feelings about this at good stage, so what ‘s the big deal?

All you need to do is celebrate your kid, be sure the culture he gets st home is open, inclusive and non judgmental and keep his trust.

The real question is do you think that your DH might start on a campaign to ‘make a man of him’?

Be honest with yourself, because this is the agenda that will throw your child’s life into turmoil.

I wouldn't mention it for now, he might turn out to be gay or it might just be kid talk but I don't think it matters much either way at 8. It's lovely that you are supportive enough that he was able to say it.

I'm not sure I'd mention it but it would be helpful to know what his actual views are.

We knew our ds was more than likely gay from 6/7 , it didn’t need him to say anything . If you can see it’s possible unless your husband is very thick then he can see it too so I wouldn’t say anything .

I don't know if I'd make a point of mentioning it but I would be trying to establish what his views are and start to gently challenge if needed.

It won't do him any harm to have his views challenged and it might make things a little easier in the future if your son is gay if those conversations are already openly happening at home.