Fuck- the last few days have been hard.

[Shockers]

My mum died really unexpectedly last October; I’m still reeling.

Two of my close friends have their mums in hospital at the moment- both with terminal illnesses. I desperately want to support them, but it’s so raw. I needed my friends- they need me.

Another year and I might be strong enough, but that isn’t soon enough.

I need to get a grip.

Sorry for your loss. There's no right or wrong time period for grieving. I personally think it takes at least a year to even begin the healing process. Until then there's always another 'first' without them.

There is no right way to grieve full stop, and you are still in the early days. Your friends will understand

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and their struggle with the same topic. I'm sure they will realise that it's a very tough time for you too.

Can you support from a distance eg text, flowers or a meal dropped off?

I need to support my friends though. One of them I’ve been really close to for over 40 years. I love her mum dearly, but I haven’t dared to visit because I’m scared I’ll cry. This isn’t about me, or my mum- it’s about her and my dear friend.

I don’t even know what I’m asking; I just needed to say it out loud.

Im so sorry to hear about your Mum

I lost my Dad unexpectedly and it really knocked me for 6 fio a very long time.

Your friends will understand if you talk to them. Maybe you can offer practical support if you can’t offer emotional support

A small text from a good friend can really lift your mood, itbdiesnt habe to be emotional or deep, just a ‘hi just tripped over the sodding dog- again’

(That one still sticks in my mind many years later! It made me laugh and let me know she was thinking of me without both of us sobbing down the phone )

Look after yourself and do what you feel you can for your friends 🌷🌷🌷🍫🍫🍫🍰🍰🍰🥃🥃🥃

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents in the last 2 years and it’s so hard. I totally understand also the feeling that it’s hard to reach out to others when your own reserves are so low. I don’t have any magic words of wisdom I’m afraid - just give genuine words of love and support to your friends when you can and try not to see their pain as yours to hold xxx

We text daily- both friends. I see them and I help where I can, but I feel rubbish about not being completely there for them. I’ve told my oldest friend to tell me everything she needs to because I know I needed to purge to people who weren’t family.

I think I don’t want to tell them how painful it is because they have their own pain.

I just needed to say this anonymously. Thank you for reading.

Don’t be so hard on yourself .
You don’t need to get a grip at all .. you just need way more slack and time than you are giving yourself to grieve .
You sound wonderfully kind , thoughtful and clearly a good and caring friend ... but you need to give yourself a break .. you still need to be caring for yourself as well as trying to support your friends.
Don’t pressure yourself to be more than you can be at this very difficult and sad time .

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother as well as the current challenges that your friends have .
Be kind to yourself and take care x

The first year is a blur of grief. It is so hard op, even more so when there is a sudden death.
I think probably if you do visit, you will be able to hold it together for your friend, but then cry all the way home. That is fine. Give whatever support you can, and over time you will all be there supporting each other.
There will be some days when you feel stronger than on other days, so use those days to give out, and the other days to look after yourself. Do small things for your friends on good days, that are manageable for you, but make a big difference to them, eg make a simple supper dish ( make double when you are doing yours). Send some flowers, or small thing you know your friend likes.
On days when you need to retreat a bit do nice things for yourself.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. A very good friend of mine became terminally ill six months after my Dad died, and I did everything I could to help look after her, then two years later my Mum died and the combined grief of all three people hit me very hard, because I hadn’t had much time to grieve my Dad, or my friend. It all takes time and you just have to keep going and eventually it gets easier to live with.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

You are a very kind friend, to think of them in the middle of your own grief. They know that you are doing all that you can. Perhaps do some house cleaning/get a thoughtful gift for your friends mum, something that makes her more comfortable in hospital maybe?

Oh bless you. You’re very kind to be thinking of your friends, and lucky to have such good friends. I hope you can support each other in your grief.

Take care of yourself.