Help me get through this funeral

[millimat]

I'm very fortunate in that I've not had to go to many funerals at all. however there's one in a fortnight and I can't stop crying thinking about it. Its a good friend. I dread what I will be like when I am there. The ones I have been to I sobbed uncontrollably despite all my efforts not to. I'm very aware that there will be people there who are her family and I certainly don't want to look like I am attention seeking. I genuinely can't help myself.
Do things like Kalms work?

No one will notice, honestly. They will be tied up in their own grief and will not think anyone else’s is disproportionate or attention seeking.

They really will. I don't cry quietly. I've also got to be strong for my daughter who will be with me.

Firstly let it out at home between now and then, tell us complete strangers in your computer all about your amazing friend and what the loss means to you. Secondly make sure on the day there's nothing else to worry about - wear an outfit you are happy with, arrange transport (& back up plan), waterproof mascara, tissues etc. Finally stop worrying about what others think, I've been in tears at funerals for people i didn't even know (occupational hazard) just from the amazing eulogy - nobody is looking at you. Having someone to stand next to you might be an idea if you were going alone, that's the only other suggestion I have.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying at a funeral, so take plenty of soft hankies and don't feel bad or embarrassed about openly letting the tears fall

I'm not sure what you mean by sobbing uncontrollably as that could mean anything from not being able to stop the tears, to being quite loud like a child crying. That loud would be inappropriate.

If you don't cry quietly then that would be seen as attention seeking. Perhaps you shouldn't go?

I think it would be seen as "all about me" at a funeral where others are going to be much more upset than you. They don't want to have to comfort you when they're grieving so much more.

Great advice from PP, I would add that it might not be a good idea to take any medication that you've never taken before in case of adverse effects. Sorry for your loss

But still no one will mind or care! I would go in last, sit near the back so you feel like you could leave if you had to. You might not have to but the option being there might make you feel a bit more in control.
Is your dd very young? It’s not unacceptable to let our dc see us upset at something like a funeral of a friend or close relative.

If you absolutely feel you can’t go then quietly bow out and attend the wake if there is one. You could have a time of quiet reflection on your friendship somewhere else then go to meet the rest of the attendees.

OP, funerals can be incredibly tough . I once read that sucking boiled sweets can help with overwhelming crying (I’ve never tried it, but it might be worth a go (just don’t choke))

@HollowTalk that's exactly it - they have enough to deal with without comforting me. I absolutely have to go for many reasons. DD is best friends with her daughter and she wants to support her, so I need to support DD.

Boiled sweets sounds like a good idea thanks.

They were your friend, no-one will think you shouldn’t be crying. My close friends are family to me and I would be distraught at a funeral. I can’t even think about it.

I am going to a funeral next week of someone I have never met but I know their Mum. The person has died in tragic circumstances and the funeral will be dreadfully sad. I have concerns similar to yours and a tip I can give you is to dig your nails into your hand...the pain gives your brain something else to focus on.
I hope it goes ok and I’m so sorry about your friend.

Wear sunglasses. Lots of people will.

Sorry for your loss

I've tried looking up, just eyes, not head. And sucking mints. Worth a try

Crying at funerals is allowed, and is perfectly understandable and acceptable. Most funerals only last about 20-40 minutes so either try and focus on the service or let it all out and have a good cry. I'm truly sorry for your devastating loss.

I bought the bachs rescue pastilles when I went to the funeral of my much loved relative. Don't know if they helped but having them made me feel a little bit stronger if that makes sense.

I had to give a eulogy right at the end of my Grandma’s funeral and was very worried about holding it together enough to be able to. To keep from uncontrollably crying I sucked mints and, to be honest, completely mentally disassociated myself from the funeral - I just thought about other things and built a wall around my mind. It worked to a point as I was able to give a composed and heartfelt eulogy. But afterwards I felt really numb and not very good at all as I had not had the cathartic grief that I needed.

I hope it goes well and am really sorry about your friend.

Are the Bach rescue pastilles like rescue remedy?

I’m so sorry for your loss @millimat.

My friend gave the most amazing eulogy at her Mum’s funeral. It was incredible. I asked her how she got through it and she said that she felt she had her whole life to mourn her Mum but that her Mum deserved one hour of respect and that she ( my friend) wanted to give her the best send off she could .....and she couldn’t do that if she was inconsolably crying. Don’t get me wrong, she has cried loads since but I thought it was a good mindset if you were trying to hold it together. Does that help at all??

Having said that, if you do find yourself overcome with emotion, that’s ok too.... it is a funeral after all.

Very best of luck x

People cry at funerals as they are sad occasions. So please don't worry about that.

I'm sorry, but crying loudly will be seen as attention seeking. It really isn't difficult to cry quietly. Don't wear mascara.

Breathe in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth to keep sobs under control. Same principle as sucking a sweet, keep your mouth closed.

Don’t take a child with you if it will prevent you from grieving properly. The funeral is an opportunity for catharsis. It’s perfectly ok to cry. Just don’t wail and rend your garments.

Hi Op. My father died last summer. I found that having a tin of strong but small peppermints in my bag really did help to check crying. Likewise a squirt of scent. Have plenty of hankies and a bottle of water. Have a good cry before if you can, you will be calmer for it. Lots of self care. All the best x

Go, but if you start to cry noisily, go outside and do it there. Make sure you're sitting near an exit door so you can escape quickly and quietly.