School fines for unauthorised absence

[Mattan2007]

My DD who is 14 nearly 15 in year 10 doesn’t like school and occasionally decides she’s not going in and her attendance is under 80% or less atm. I’ve been honest half the time and said she won’t come in. I cannot physically drag her but have shouted, unplugged WiFi, taken phone, she’s stronger and bigger than myself so no match for me but it should never have to come to that anyway. The education welfare officer is involved, had meetings etc and now they say their going to fine me.
I’m a single parent on very low income and her fathers not in her life, so it’s only my money. I’ve done everything I can to get her in to school so finding me won’t change anything but the squeeze on my purse.
Does anyone know if I can fight this if they issue a fine or any help would be a help!

Have you had any joint meetings with people from school, the EWO and you, to plan for how she can manage to get back into school?

Generally that takes the form of a plan that encourages attendance at lessons she likes, increasing to full attendance when she’s able to. If you’ve had meetings, what has been the outcome. Or are they saying that she hasn’t engaged with any plan and they do t have any alternative.

I imagine the answer to your question is probably that they can fine you, if there doesn’t seem to be any progress made.

Why does she not want to go to school? Are there underlying issues?

If it's 80%, that isn't occasionally-it's once a week.

You need to be proactive, asking for meetings and trying to work out together how to encourage her in. Throwing up your hands and saying "she's bigger than me, can't do anything" won't help you at these meetings-they need to see you are prepared to be on their side.

Yes had a couple of meetings as what to do but it’s not working. The school hasn’t suggested attending certain lessons then building back up, tbh it’s a catholic school, we’re not religious but they don’t go easy on the kids. No reason for her not wanting to go, no bullying, just doesn’t like the teachers, says it’s boring, etc

She has been unwell a lot also, as in migraine, flu etc, which has added to the percentage

Sell her stuff to pay for the fine. It's her fault, not yours .

No issues at home, she has a lovely life, holidays, clothes, meals out, iPhone, on the whole she’s happy but doesn’t like wearing uniform or being told what to do as she’s got older

So is she permanently grounded, no phone, no money, no tv, no nothing at all until she decides to behave herself and go to school full time?

she's going to have to start missing out on things to pay for the fine. Cancel her phone contract, stop buying her luxuries.

I think only being honest 'half the time' is what's caused the problem.

Generally schools/welfare officers will do all they can to help parents when their child has been flagged up as 'school refusal'.

But if you're not 100% honest, then of course they're going to think the other half of the time you're just not sending her.

Is it too late to come clean?

She may have an undiagnosed condition.
PDA?

No reason for her not wanting to go, no bullying, just doesn’t like the teachers, says it’s boring, etc

Well, tough luck for her then. She has to go. As her parent you have a legal duty to make her go. Academic outcomes fall dramatically if a student's attendance is below 90%.

Agree that the money for the fine should come from her, one way or another. If she can't see the long term benefits of attending school then you will have to make some sort term benefits (e. g. access to her phone one week, if she attended full time the previous week).

You say that as she is physically bigger than you you can't make her do anything. Are you afraid of her? If you are having really difficulties in making her behave at home then refer yourself to Early Help who can offer support with this.

I do think I’m scared of her as taking her phone once caused a punch up, so being honest if I take it all away the whole house could get smashed up, which I don’t want.
I haven’t grounded her as she once said I can do what I like and walked out, I didn’t want this type of life worrying if she’ll come back, the argument goes on and on, I just try to keep the peace with restrictions when needed and I’m not 100% honest with the school as I’m scared as they’ll want to come round and my DD said she’ll never speak to me again

Jesus OP she's only 14. Honestly things will only get worse if you don't seek proper help now.

If she kicks off about that then she'll just have to kick off but you can't live your life pussy footing around a violent, controlling child who will soon be a violent, controlling adult by the sound of it.

Google PDA please.

The nearest PDA is in London, I’m near Heathrow

I keep saying I’ll start being more tougher but it always spins round when I try and hits me in the face.
Maybe I need to take it and risk the outcome but not sure I have the strength

Maybe I do pussyfoot around to keep the peace but I’m just trying to be a good mum, I don’t even go out with friends or have a life of my own

Right, who have you got that can act as a physical presence in the event that she kicks off? It needs to be someone who will remain calm and won’t snap with her. Your mum/dad/brother/sister/friend? Do you have anyone you could bring in as a support?

Because you are going to have to get very firm and ride the storm of her tantrums. She will tantrum and possibly wreck the house. You need to not react. At all. Let her rant and rave and wreck, you go about your business, maybe even leave the house and go to the shop or a friends house. Tell her you will be back and you expect her to have come to her senses by the time you do. If she threatens violence to you you tell her very calmly that if she even attempts to hurt you you will be calling the police and that you are 100% serious about that. Make her believe that you will. If she is violent you call the police. You simply cannot go on being afraid to parent your child. You do society a disservice by that. You cannot send a violent bully off into the world in 4 years time.

She must go to school and until she does, consistently, and until she shows you respect, consistently, she will have no privileges. None.

It won’t be easy OP. But you absolutely need to handle this now.

PDA= pathological demand avoidance. It’s part of the autism spectrum. But presents differently than most people expect asd to present.

PDA is a form of autism it’s not a place.

Maybe I do pussyfoot around to keep the peace but I’m just trying to be a good mum, I don’t even go out with friends or have a life of my own

That's not just what being a good mum is about though.

I'm more worried for you really OP. Take it from me, my 'kids' are 27yrs, 20yrs and 16yrs and I've heard so many horror stories from their friend's parents over the years because they couldn't nip the violence and aggression in the bud early doors.

Some smashed up their family homes, some actually hit their parents and siblings, some went missing regularly and the police would be called almost every week, some ended up in prison.

I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to wake you up to the fact young violent teens, often become violent and very unhappy older teens/adults.

And the most common thing their parents seem to say is, "I wish I'd got help much sooner"

You have to be honest with the school. Your not having done so has made matters worse. Call them round on Monday morning.

Remove all privileges. No new stuff, no going out. She gets a pay per go phone for emergency use. No Wifi at home.

Alarm call at 6am every morning on repeat with curtains wide open. Curfew at 8pm.

Every day she doesn't cooperate adds another day to the withdrawal.

You likely will get fined. It's not going to be fancy dinners round yours for a while whilst she realises the consequences of spunking away hard earned cash.

Being a good mum doesn't mean keeping the peace, it means making the right choices for them when they can't, even if they think they don't want you to. She is going to damage her future irreparably if she carries on like this - you need to do all you can to stop her.

You're on a very low income, yet she gets everything she wants. Why would she go to school when she's got you wrapped round her little finger?

Ask the EWO about any agencies that help you develop some strategies for her behaviour.

OP just to reassure you, I used to manage a behaviour unit. I put together a pack of evidence on a certain student's poor attendance. It took me ages. I had 3 years worth of evidence on attendance under 70%. We went to court, the magistrate read none of it and fined the mum £30.

Believe me, you have my utmost sympathy, I know how hard it difficult teenagers can be.

I just want to reassure you that court might not be as bad as you think. I hope you receive the right support x

Echo what @nobaggypants said
If you are on a low income you sell her stuff. End of discussion.

If she kicks off, phone the police. Simple.

You're her mother - you can't be scared of her, you need to sort this now, or in 10 years she'll be locked up for assault or DV...

Sadly , I know a lot of situations like this.
PDA is often missed because it doesn't present like typical autism.
What was she like as a child OP?
There is a PDA support (closed ) group on facebook .