Am I letting my kids down by being a shy, reserved mum?

[Poppysball]

I am a naturally quiet person particularly with people I don’t know really well. I am different with close friends and family. I hate conflict and confrontation and I stay well clear of school mum gossip as I just can’t do it.
I am not over protective of my dc’s but have stepped in in the past if I’ve felt it necessary with things at school but on the whole I prefer to let the teachers do their job and let me know if there’s a problem.

Lately a couple of things have happened with both my dc’s where parents have either complained to school or made passing comments to me which have made me feel quite upset especially one which turned out not to be my dc’s fault. A parent complained saying she had been mean to their dd & I did get involved with the school on this one as my dd was upset. It turned out this was the result of a previous incident that had occurred where the other girl had done something mean to my dd but i had a long chat with her and she said the teacher had resolved it and I was happy with that. Next thing I know it’s escalated and the other girls mum had complained about dd. It all got sorted but I feel guilty not that I didn’t intervene at the start and stand up for her and the rest might have been avoided.

She is about to go to secondary school and me & dh feel that she will need to stand up for herself and resolved things when she goes there and not have her mummy emailing the teacher at every little thing. It seems though that this is what some parents do and so I wonder am I letting my dc’s down by not standing up for them and getting involved in every little issue.

I’ve also had a couple of occasions where mums have messaged me about both of them. Yet when my dc’s tell me these same children have been unkind to them I do not message the mums I just talk it through with dc’s and try and help them work it out. I’m sure there’s a lot of things that go on at schools that aren’t nice behaviour but isn’t it for the teachers to sort out?

I’m feeling guilty that I’ve let my dc’s down as all the other mums round here seem to intervene in every little issue and I don’t because I don’t think that will do them any favours long term as in life we have to able to deal with things

What do other people do? DC’s are 11 and 8. My dc’s really aren’t that bad by the way, they’re good kids but right now I’m feeling like everyone’s talking about them as if they’re awful🙁

It's not you, it's them.

I’ve never messaged other mums or the schools. Maybe i’m too passive, but I’ve realised that I don’t get worked up about things that other people consider major catastrophes (or even realise I should be getting worked up about something).

I think you have two sets of parents, those that intervene at everything, and those that don’t. Obviously, if there’s a major injustice, then I would take action. However, for everyday things, I just let life continue as normal.

Sometimes I wish I was more proactive, but I think also you can be too involved.

Thanks Teen I have to say I feel in the minority. My parents never got involved, just let me get on with it. I’d like to think I’m somewhere in the middle.

I’ve never got involved with school mum bullshit and never want to. I arrive at 8:50 on the dot, usher my DC through the doors and same at 3:15. The only person I greet is the head teacher who stands on the gate.

I’ve heard some school mum conversations before and Christ they’re boring.

What you've described of your own actions and decisions sounds so normal and reasonable I'm struggling to even begin to understand how you came up with the idea you're letting your children down.

Has someone said that to you?

Seven no no-one has said and dh thinks I’m overthinking things. But with the recent incident I wish that I’d made school aware. It looks now like my dc has been mean without anyone understanding what happened before it. It upsets me as mums talk to each other and I know it’s been talked about from what someone said to me.
I feel I’ve always done the right thing by keeping out of things but so many other mums seem to be in school at the drop of a hat. I don’t want my dc’s to feel like I don’t stand up for them. They haven’t said that to be fair, I think it’s me because I worry about things in my head. I also worry about what people think of my dc although dh says who cares what they think, we know the truth.

Only today dd came home saying one of he friends has been quite mean this week and not playing with her. I’m not going to contact her mum about or the teacher as next they’ll be thick as thieves again!

I’m just feeling a bit low about it as I feel like people are gossiping about dc’s and it does upset me. They’re not perfect but honestly who’s kid is?

I think it’s unfortunate that your DD is friends with girls who’s mums are in a clique and have nothing better to do than create drama. You sound totally normal and reasonable.

I try and encourage my kids to sort stuff out themselves. I’ve only got involved once after a head butting.

Thank you ZzzMarchhare - was the headbutting involving you or your DC’s?!😂

Goodness! How are any of these kids going to cope with real life? Part of going to school is learning how to relate/cope/deal with other people. Your school must be going spare with these parents calling them complaining about other kids! Apart from proper bullying kids can work things out for themselves.
Stay out of your kids school life. You will be doing right by your kids by not wrapping them up and shielding them from every little thing. Helicopter and snowplow parents are doing their kids no favours. Ignore the other mums - they have no power over you.

I've seen this a lot with the girls in my son's class, they are also in year 6. It's been really hard work for some mums this year and I don't think that the parents who are constantly getting involved are doing the girls any favours.

Things will get easier when your eldest goes to high school and this "she said this/she said that" drama will be forgotten.

Take heart, you're not a bad mum, you sound perfectly sensible!

I wouldn't intervene unless it was serious, like bullying or something. Certainly not over minor fall outs!
Thing is, if you did message the mums every time the kids had been slightly mean/had a fall out, what would it accomplish? They don't sound like the kind of people who would believe their precious daughters were ever in the wrong anyway! 🤷

You're not letting your kids down at all.
If you suspected bullying, or if your children were really unhappy at school for any reason (as opposed to occasionally unhappy which is normal!) then contact the teacher.
But I think your approach is good.

Thank you. i know, it all seems ridiculous to me and I think the parents will have a shock when they start secondary school as surely they won’t appreciate all these emails over tittle tattle behaviour.
I’ve had it with my younger one too. One message to me directly from a mum, so awkward, and one time I was told someone had been in to see the teacher to say my dc had said something mean to hers. When I found out I confronted the teacher to ask who it was and what my dc was meant
to have done and she said she couldn’t tell me due to confidentiality. I’m so done with it all. I just think our generation of parents are so different to our parents and it’s all a bit bizarre to me.

I taught school for many years. There are always "Skeeter" moms, who buzz around about every little thing. Teachers tend to ignore them. But parents who have never made waves, and then come in with a concern - those were more likely to be listened to and believed. You are doing right by your children. Teach them to tolerate the little things and stand up for the big things.

Thanks GeorgiaGirl

If I were in your shoes, I would initiate anything unless I felt it was serious and warranted it but if a parent emailed me I would stick up for my DD and mention the previous incident and finish by saying you have spoken to your DC about it, the school had resolved the issue and you were happy with the outcome. Maybe their DD hadn’t given them the full story so it’s making your DD look worse than she is.

*wouldn’t initiate.

I don’t think your being shy and reserved has anything at all to do with it. I’m reasonably outgoing and socially confident, but as I almost never do drop offs or pick up because of work, I simply never see the other parents at all, unless their children are friends of DS’s and come to our house to play. I see teachers at parents’ Evening and special events. Contacting random parents because of a dispute would never occur to me. I would deal with the school as needed.

I think I just feel that I don’t like to speak up or confront people unless it’s really bad and maybe that’s a confidence thing on my part although I have to say the older I’m getting the less I’m starting to care! I do find it awkward when things happen between children who’s mums I am friendly with. I’d almost rather say nothing than face the askwardness.

I think it’s admirable that you pick your fights. But sticking up for yourself is important in life and your children need to learn this too. It is hard when you are friendly with some mums but I think it all to do with how you bring the subject up. Most reasonable mums would be concerned about their children’s behaviour and try to do something about it. If they react badly, it says a lot about them and maybe they’re not the sort of people to be friendly with. There’s a world of difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

How did you respond to those emails?

Lonoxo up until now I’ve responded by being apologetic and saying I will speak to the ‘offender’ and that’s been that. The one that contacted school rather than me I haven’t spoken to directly about it and have only seen her from afar in the playground since. Am kind of dreading bumping into her as just feel awkward about the whole thing.

I think what’s starting to get to me is that certain mums seem to think their children can do no wrong and will quite happily message me when mine’s done something to upset theirs (and we are talking minor things here). However I know first hand that their’s are not perfect as I’ve heard some of the things they say when they’ve been at my house and also what my dc’s tell me they have said on occasion. What I’m saying is that I have let those things go and yet they are the kind of things some other mums would be on the phone to me about.

I’m getting fed up of it now and am thinking ok if they’re going to do that then next time their kid makes a rude or spiteful comment I’ll contact them so they know they’re not perfect! All this bullshit really isn’t me! Frankly I have more important things going on in life right now.

I’m painfully shy and very reserved and quiet, and generally left things to the teachers and DS to resolve.

I only intervened once when DS first started at high school, there were some issues with DS and one of his pals that I naively thought his Mum and I could sort out as we were friends. She totally turned, she and her DS told blatant lies about my DS, so much so that we had to remove him from his sports team, and we never spoke again. It was awful, the only thing I took from it is that her and her DS were proven to be out and out liars in it all.

It’s a minefield knowing when to step in, now DS is older I generally leave him to it unless he asks me to help, or if I feel it needs adult intervention.

From

AguerosAngel that sounds hard and I understand what you mean when you say you thought you could sort it out as you were friends. I think I’m slowly learning that the best way to resolve things is through school as they see what’s really going on.