Come and tell me some jokes I'm on hold to HMRC

[listsandbudgets]

Spent 23 minutes waiting for them to answer call one only to be informed I needed to call a different number because that team can no longer help with this particualr query.

Now 5 minutes into holding for second number. My brain in numbing and the hold music is appalling.

Anyone want to cheer me up with a joke or two please?

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Here’s mine, it’s a feminist joke:-

What’s the difference between a 65 year old man & a 65 year old woman?

The 65 year old man still thinks he can pull a 25 year old.

It's impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They take everything literally.

I had a strawberry growing out of my chest last week. I went to the doctor who just put some cream on it.

My 3yo told me this joke this morning:

How do bogies get in a sandwich?

Legs!

It was pretty funny when she told it, she was dead pleased with herself, bless her!

@Lordamighty that's not a feminist joke.

@listsandbudgets How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

Why can't penguins fly?

Because they're a chocolate bar!

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam!

Keep them coming :)

16 minutes and counting... if they can't help when I get through I'm going to cry (and it won't be with laughter)

A man went to the doctors to discuss an hearing problem.

The doctor asked him to describe the symptoms.

Man said Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair

(Read on here I think..sorry if I’ve nicked your joke)

How do you measure a red hot chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

From ds 4
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they just arrrrrr!

I only know ones that rely on words sounding similar so close a little in the transcribing.

Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings but when I woke up I realised I'd only been Tolkien in my sleep.

I made a graph of all my past relationships........

.....it has an ex axis.....

...and a why axis!

How did Vikings send secret messages?

By norse code

They answered. They were entirely unhelpful.

They've emailed us to say there's a message on the system. We've looked its not there. They finally answer the phone and blandly inform me that if hasn't shown up by Monday, I then have to phone again so they can give me the number of the complaints team so I can phone them so they can send us the message... We can not email, we must phone and we can not have the number until Monday.

Almost a joke in itself. Talk about convoluted.

That music is going to haunt my dreams.

Thank you for the jokes they made it bearable