I just feel like everything is going wrong and my life has taken this wrong turn. I know I'm being emotional and maybe it's hormones but it might feel good to write it all down.
DP has quit his job and persued his dreams to join the armed forces. This was discussed and great length before he did it and agreed by both of us. I want him to be happy and the future potential in the specialism he has chosen means we could have a very nice life one day.
In the meantime though, he's now been away for 4 weeks (the longest we hadn't seen each other for before now was 3 days in the 7 years we've been together) and I really miss him. I feel quite lonely. He has also more than halved his salary, which again, we knew before he applied but this is the first month on the new salary and I've just realised HOW tough the next 3 years will be until he becomes fully qualified and goes back up to a similar salary than he was on before. This may sound spoilt but we were comfortable before and went on holiday every year, date nights once a week etc.
Then, 2 days after he left for his basic training, I found out I was pregnant after a broken condom and failed MAP. I had to wait for an appointment to terminate (lots of different reasons) so I've been feeling very run down and tired and sick and now I'm very anxious for the appointment tomorrow and the actual termination pain etc whilst being alone.
I started a new job three months ago that was meant to be an amazing opportunity and a great place to work and it isn't working out. I hate it, it's bitchy and cliquey and I have had my probation extended for not fitting in (though nothing bad to say about my actual work - all that feedback was positive)
I've gained back the three stone I lost and then another half a stone and I feel horrible and uncomfortable and nothing fits and yet I can't seem to stop shoving junk in my face, then avoid looking in mirrors all day and repeat.
I can't seem to find the time in the day without DP between work, walking the dogs, cooking a decent meal and not eating crap, getting enough sleep and have some downtime oh and keep the house clean and tidy, clean the hamster cages, have clean clothes, sort out all the life admin because there isn't anyone else to for anything just now.
And lastly, after struggling with making friends and social situations for a long long time, I read about social anxiety the other day and that describes me down to a tee but I don't know how I can resolve it and get over it without CBT and counselling which at £70 a session, we can't afford right now.
God this sounds like such a bloody pity party and I know that there are people having a real hard time but I feel like I'm in a black hole tonight and can't see the sun for the clouds.