Friends DD keeps hurting my DD

[NotStrongYet]

Friends DD has always been rough with my DD. She is younger. My DD is just turned 3 and friends DD is about to turn 2.

For about the last 6 months, friends DD would take any opportunity to sneak over to where my DD was and would pull her hair/ nip her. My DD doesn’t retaliate but gets very upset, understandably. I totally understood that there wasn’t much we could do other than watch them very carefully and try to prevent it that way. The thing is, friends DD is now almost 2 and she is still doing this. I know she’s still very young but she will be smiling as she does it and all my friend is doing is saying “no thank you” to her daughter. It just feels like my friend isn’t taking it very seriously and I’m finding it’s starting to frustrate me when we are together. I feel for my DD every time it happens and although I watch them very closely, toddlers can be quick at times and sometimes it happens before I can stop it. I suppose I’m just wondering how best I should deal with this situation? Very grateful for any advice. Thanks.

I would step in as your DD needs to know you have her back. When it happens I would say 'oh no, we don't use our hurting hands. We use kind hands. DD come here so X can say sorry'.

Thanks for replying. It’s so difficult because my friend is normally right there also and so if I say anything to her DD i know she will feel I am stepping on her toes. I don’t want to overstep the mark but at the same time, I’m getting fed up of my DD being hurt and I feel my friend needs to somehow express to her DD that it’s not right to hurt other children. I feel like my friend just glosses over it which I understood when her DD was younger but it’s getting a little frustrating.

Don't worry about over stepping the mark. You dd needs to know that being hurt is never ok- either to be hurt by someone or for her to hurt someone. Kids learn by example. If the mum won't teach her child, it's for you to teach yours that's is ok to say no to being hurt.

My DS is a hair puller, nearly 2 and still doing it. I am a helicopter with him and tell him off when he does it though.

I would have no problem with you telling my DS off, in fact it works better if someone else does it. Don't be afraid to intervene

I think you’re right that I’ll need to get involved. It was particularly frustrating tonight. Friends DD grabbed my daughters fingers and was squeezing really hard. My DD got upset and I helped get friends DD’s hand off. Then friends DD started fussing to her mum and her mum said “she did it back to you because you did it to her”, implying that my DD had retaliated. That didn’t even happen. So that annoyed me a little. I’m just losing patience with the situation in all honesty. We see them most days so this is a common occurrence and “no thank you” in a nice cheerful voice just doesn’t seem like the best way to deal with this 😩

The other mum isn’t patenting her child properly and you need to protect your child.

Stepping on toes? Overstepping the mark? Is your child, the most precious thing in your life! Who cares if your friend has a strop, your child matters more.

Parenting

meepmoop thanks for the reply. I totally understand that some kids do go through these things and I don’t think badly of it but like you say, there’s a right way to deal with it and brushing it under the carpet isn’t fair on the kid who is being hurt. My friend and her DH always complain to me about how badly behaved their other friends kids are but I think they seem to live in some sort of bubble where they can’t see that their kids aren’t perfect either.

You are right Soola

I kept second guessing myself because I know kids do go through these phases and her DD is only young but I think you’re right I should intervene. She isn’t too young to be told maybe a bit more sternly than what she currently is.

Tell her straight that you won’t be meeting up because your DD is getting hurt. No way would I be allowing someone’s child to hurt mine.

It's totally normal but I'd just be saying ' no, we don't hurt/ we use gentle hands/ ' and physically getting up and removing your child for a few mins. Just speak the words into the air - you'll be making it clear you don't like it

Why do you have to spend every day with her

Exact same thing used to happen with my DS and friend's DS. I suggest you speak to your friend before you end up losing your temper like I did.

”DD, Tell her no thank you. X, we use gentle hands"

2 year olds don't need "telling off" but they do need educating!

I'd text your friend and say that as your DD isn't enjoying the play dates why don't you both just meet up for coffee alone instead?

You can't keep subjecting your DD to her.
It's not the LG fault she's barley two. But her mum is a bit dim and doesn't seem to be stepping up.

The child is still 1. I know it’s frustrating but it’s normal behaviour and likely to be for a while. It’s also likely she won’t really understand much in the way of repercussions at this age. That said, I’m on your DD’s side (I have two daughters with a similar age gap and remember the stage well) and think you just need to either not see so much of your friend or else be a physical obstacle if you won’t say anything - so your DD can play on one side of you but don’t let your friend’s DD get close enough to make contact. Keep doing that until she either outgrows it or else you feel able to say something.

I would tell her off if her mum won’t and if it carries on I’d stop seeing them.

How about discussing it with your friend.
Not a 'your daughter keeps attacking my daughter' but more on the lines of
'The dynamics between the 2 girls aren't great - how do you think we need to help them be more equal' or something on those lines.

This is a totally normal stage but it doesn't sound like the other mum is dealing with it very well. I wouldn't worry about stepping on her toes - maybe it's a good thing if she realises you're getting annoyed about it?

Thanks all. You’ve confirmed for me that I do need to intervene in some way (which is what my gut was telling me). I just know this might not go too well with my friend even if I am polite about it but my priority here has to be my DD. I am definitely going to have to say something next time.