Do your parents effectively ignore you now you have children?

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Let me start by saying I'm definitely not jealous.
Just the title really. My parents were/are pretty crap anyway. Sad but true.
My daughter is nearly 3. I'm glad that they have a good relationship with her, and of course she's cuter and much more fun than me!
Since she came along, they don't much talk to me, never really ask how I am etc. Not asking for loads of attention just how are things? What have you been up To? Normal conversation you'd expect from a friend or even an acquaintance!
Does anyone else find this?

‘Fraid so. My arm could be hanging off and they’d say “be careful you do t get blood in her eyes ..it won’t do her any good ..”

Yep, my husband’s parents do this. I wasn’t that close or fond of them anyway but now we are clearly the means of giving them access to the children

Yes me too, they even say to me, "when can we see the kids?" and never speak to me or ask how I am, just like pp said I am just a means of access to the grandkids!

Yup. It started when I was pregnant with the first grandchild. We were at a do and my mother introduced my bump to someone with 'this is my granddaughter!'. He looked a little bemused, there was some talk of how much she was looking forward to having a grandchild, and then she said 'oh, yes, and this is my daughter'. That has pretty much set the tone for our relationship since.

Lol yes. DM frequently tells DD that she's her "favourite person in the world" and "the best little girl that's ever been born" 😂. I don't mind at all tbh (except from thinking those are weird things to say to anyone) - my mum is a lovely but intense person and DD's personality is so much better suited to cope with that adoration than mine!

Some sad stories here :( sounds pretty much the norm then!

In my parents case, I think becoming grandparents has made them reflect and face up to what they were like as parents to me, and so they are over compensating a bit with my daughter. That's one of the reasons I think they don't engage much with me, because this would mean they'd have to face up to themselves. Perhaps that's over analysing it, but I definitely see that in them.

Yep. My mum in particular obviously enjoys being a grandparent so much more than she enjoyed being a parent. She still shows interest in me and my sister but we have no doubt where on the list we come in her affections. I don’t entirely blame her; she was a much younger parent than I was and faced much more challenging situations. Add in a couple of kids onto that and it probably wasn’t a whole heap of fun.

No, mine still treat me how they always have. I’m the only one of my siblings to have had children so inevitably there’s a lot of chat about them - but they’re very involved in their lives so it’s hard not to. I’ve just had DS3 so they’ve been looking out for me as well as helping with the other two. I’m very lucky but the flip side is I genuinely don’t know how I’ll cope when they’re not in my life, it’s a huge fear.

Made me smile but I sense a sadness from you. Maybe see them alone now and again? For coffee or trip to theatre maybe?

My late DM, who was wonderful and who I was always close to was exactly like this..once her DGC were here, they were her number ones and I'm so grateful for that now, as they didn't have each other for very long.

I've thought about posting this exact post. Close relationship with my mum, spend a lot of time together almost in a friend dynamic as well as mum daughter.

She has other grandchildren, so not the first etc but when I had a baby our relationship changed forever. She will cut over me, even if I'm talking about something important to say AAAWW at the baby. She only wants to talk about the baby. And whilst I still see her fairly regularly, it's entirely so she can see the baby.

If me and my husband pop over to visit she will ignore us entirely and read a book to the baby, coo at her etc.

It's hard to explain really without people knowing our relationship before and now but it's really frustrating. I've seen other family / visitors looking a bit at it so I know it's not just me.

I've tried bringing it up and even finding ways to meet up when the baby is in bed etc but it's pretty pointless. I've just accepted things are different now.

My inlaws are like this. Luckily my mother isn't. I'm still her main focus and my lo is secordary. I'd feel pretty sad if she did throw me over in favour of lo. I feel like I still need that bond with her despite being an adult and having a family of me own. I feel sad for my dh that he’s been pushed aside since lo was born.

Nope. My mums my best friend and biggest cheerleader. She adores DS but her love and care for me shines through as well.
She’s the Mum I want to be for DS.

I used to go to my mums for sunday lunch. Now i just drop off my daughter because I know she doesn't want to see me, just my daughter. So I usually just come home and sit by myself and cry!

yes. i did a 3 year degree after DDs birth and my mum had no idea. She never once asked what I was doing or how I was. And if I began speaking about myself she would shout "OOOH, LOOK AT DD! LOOK AT HER. SHE JUST insert any inane everyday baby thing. NANNIES LITTLE PRINCESS. AWWWW LOOK AT HER".

"Made me smile but I sense a sadness from you. Maybe see them alone now and again? For coffee or trip to theatre maybe?"

It would be true to say I'm sad that I have crap parents. Do I want to spend more time with them? Not really to be honest, mainly because of how they are. If they apologised to me for the past, I'd be prepared to start afresh, however they lack the insight and empathy to do so. If they can't give me the basic time of day there's no much else I can say or do to change that sadly.

I am happy to hear that your mum was great though and I'm very sorry for your loss

My in laws are the complete opposite. They could be talking to Dh on the phone for 20 mins and not mention dd once.

Monstrance - I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way. You deserve better

Dillusional dog - I have also just completed a course that they literally know nothing about, despite mentioning it passing. I feel your pain...

"Nope. My mums my best friend and biggest cheerleader."
That's wonderful. That's how I hope my daughter will feel about me in 20/30 years time.

Thankyou, it's ok. To be fair, I've never had a relationship with any of my family. Soon as I've finished my studies I'll be leaving the country and never coming back!

I’m sorry to all of you experiencing this. It sounds very hurtful. My mum adores my kids and looks after them a day a week but she is still my mum. She still buys me treats and encourages me to look after myself. Feeling cared for and seen makes it much easier to provide that care for my kids and not lose myself in parenthood.

I tell my two that I’ll always look after them just like grandma still looks after me.

My parents visited on my birthday, when dd was about 2yo.
They'd been here a couple of hours when....
Dad: "oh happy birthday by the way".
Mum: " oh yeah, happy birthday".
🙄

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers congrats on passing your course :).

Actually my degree did help things in this area slightly. I posted my graduation pic on facebook and, low and behold, phone rings. My mum was asking why she had her sisters ringing asking for my address to send a card as they'd been told about my degree. Of course she told them I didnt have a degree, but they (or my cousins) had seen the photos. She kicked off and said I had made her look ridiculous. She then, at a family BBQ, tried to pass it off as "not a real degree" and thats why she hadnt realised they meant that. But of course she knew her daughter had a graduation. Personally I find a biochemistry degree "real". Which I pointed out and she was left redfaced. Shes paid a lot more attention since.