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Does anyone else feel like their parents failed them spectacularly?

24 replies

thoughtsandthoughts · 30/06/2019 22:39

The older I get the worse I realise the situation is. This is the rough overview of my thinking and understanding:
15: my parents are strict:
18: my parents are mad
22: my parents didn't know what they were doing/were not prepared to be a mum and dad
28: my parents were neglectful
now: my parents were abusive fucking psychos

The worst part for me if how completely and utterly I was unprepared for life and society.

I didn't want to go into the details, but I started typing and it all kind of came out, so thank you in advance for reading. I know this is very long.

I moved out over a decade ago and with each passing year I remember and realise things in a new light. I am pregnant now myself and feel an additional layer of horror and sadness when I think about my childhood.

  • I was not taught adequate social skills - this has haunted me in everything from school to jobs and relationships. I have a DH now who is a little bit socially awkward too, but daily interactions are a baffling struggle to me.
  • I was discouraged from hobbies like drawing and dreams of being a fashion designer by way of screaming "you think you're going to make money from your rubbish scribbles??" whenever I was 'caught' drawing
  • I was left alone from god knows what age in the house, locked in and on some occasions left in a room with a bucket for the whole day to stop me wandering. I was almost always left in charge of younger siblings and when I called an ambulance when one baby had a seizure and the police and SS were called out, I was shouted at for getting everyone into trouble. Apparently I should have called them instead of 999. I was told that if they went to prison I would be deported and have to live on my own in "Ukraine". I was 8 years old.
  • they instilled a strong sense of shame and paranoia within me - everyone is staring at you, everyone assumes the worst about you, everyone is judging you, a relative saying 'oh what beautiful singing' to my karaoke warbling was clearly being sarcastic and why was I so stupid not to realise that?
  • this is linked to a habit of harshly judging others. Mum kept up a vicious running commentary of picking out every possible flaw in everyone we came across. I still have not unlearned this and mostly manage it by keeping my thoughts to myself and actively trying to change my thoughts by following up an instinctive "urgh she's fat/ugly/whatever" with something positive e.g. "but she has a nice smile/excellent taste in shoes/etc".
  • bizarrely instilled an odd sense of entitlement within me, you might call it delusions of grandeur. I fully expected a mansion, a chauffeur and a rich husband to fall into my lap when I grew up. So when I brought up driving lessons or spoke about cars, I got "you don't need to drive, you will have a chauffeur."
  • told me my only career choice was to be a GP because "they only look up symptoms on their computer, it's easy" ... I took too long to realise this is not the case, and no, I am not a doctor. I am a receptionist.
  • they refused to take me to the optician for YEARS because my eyesight would apparently improve if I just stopped watching TV. I could never see the whiteboard at school. I finally took myself when I was 16 and I sobbed when I went outside in my new glasses and saw the world clearly for the first time. My prescription was -3.5.
  • they rarely took me anywhere. Every half terms and evening was spent at home. It was like being under house arrest with Sunday visits to a church which was a 2 hour journey away. I was also not allowed to play out and when kids knocked for me I had to tell them to go away. I was told that they only wanted me there so that they could "goggle" at me and make fun of me. A teacher once took pity on me and arranged for me to tag along with some kids who won a competition to have their artwork turned into a public display.
  • they had huge, screaming, blow-out fights with me and my siblings in the house, including threatening violence with weapons, then pretending that nothing had happened. Scolding me for being miserable and attention-seeking when I was clearly in shock.
  • they just didn't feed me some days. And then they would give me junk and snacks and then criticise me for being fat, while also not allowing me to go to any after-school clubs or exercise. I was allowed dancing lessons for a few weeks, but when I showed off what I had learnt I was not allowed to go anymore because I clearly hadn't learnt anything and it was clearly a waste of money.
  • I was criticised for my grades CONSTANTLY, even though I never got anything less than a B, and mostly As. I was accused of not trying hard enough. Homework was a shouting, screaming, stressful blur if I didn't immediately understand something, which was often. I don't know how I managed to learn anything at all. I was compared to their friends' daughter who got straights As, but also went to a private school and had seemingly normal parents.
  • my things were routinely thrown out or given away to some relative or other. I would only find out when I needed it, then I was told that I never used it anyway, regardless of whether that was true or not. This included everything from books, toys, evil witchcraft crystal decorations which I collected, clothes, a suitcase, make up, a bike, a phone...
  • when I developed an eating disorder, I was force-fed and locked in the house, not allowed to go to college unless I ate.

I am extremely low contact with them these days and keep a very deliberate distance, telling them as little about my life as possible. I am burdened with emotional blackmail, crying, told I am cold and cruel and heartless and fat and need to put make up on and do something with my hair and get a better job but I just sieze up and freeze and wait it out.

OP posts:
googlegoals · 30/06/2019 22:48

My mother failed me in many way.

Emotionally absent. She has never told me she loves me. I have no idea if she dies or not as I've never had any physical contact with her. I don't remember receiving so much as a hug as a child.

No interest in anything in my life. My hobby was ice skating, but she wouldn't give me the money for my next set of lessons and I had to give it up.

Every weekend without fail I was dumped on relatives. I never spent a weekend with her because she didn't want me under her feet.

When I was a toddler she started a relationship with a man who despised me. He moved in with us and I was totally ignored and seen as a nuisance from that day forwards.

Just thinking about it still has me in tears now.

UnboxingSoon · 30/06/2019 22:53

Yes. I am a veteran of books /websites about emotional neglect.
But your parents sound awful. I identify with your mother having negative remarks about everybody. My mother did that in a very judgemental way which meant th

at my critical inner voice was constantly letting me know what a judgemental person would think of every move I made/everything I said. My inner voice was a bitch. I wouldn't have crossed the room to give that bitch the time of day but she lived inside my head for 30 + years. Only tamed her and silenced her in the last 5-8 years really.

All of my parents' poor parenting was born out of fear and their own inadequacies. They feared I would make 'poor' choices so they tried to rob me of any autonomy whatsoever.

They literally raised me to have no sense of self. They told me what I thought. They always always played ''devil's advocate'' whenever anything upset me, so they would literally take a stranger's side and totally invalidate my feelings. But - they do believe they have my best interests at heart.

I went through a phase (about two years long) of being obsessed with Jungian psychology and really obsessing over the effect of my parents' parenting on me. It was all very interesting. I identified with the orphan for a long time.

But luckily now I'm in more of an Adlerian phase. I can accept what happened to me but it won't define me. I can train myself and educate myself to overcome my parents' parenting of me.

I think you're doing the right thing being low contact. I never run things past my mother any more. I used to feel the need to do that. If she didn't approve I couldn't go ahead, at least not without a deep feeling of discomfort.

Your parents sound so controlling. Force-feeding you. Wow.

Are in the stage of only really realising the scars it's left on you quite recently? That can be a very unsettling stage I think. I was literally flabbergasted when I took stock of all of the doubts and insecurities that I'd had to recover from and their origin. My parents in their desire to prevent me from smoking or something fairly innocuous in comparison, turned me in to a woman with absolutely no sense of herself, primed to accommodate others and people please and seek approval. I ended up in an extremely abusive relationship. But I left and I figured it out. I feel like it's very sad that I wasted my 20s and 30s with so little self-awareness and so little identity and confidence. I will make sure I don't do this to my children!

googlegoals · 30/06/2019 22:56

Pressed post by mistake. There are so many other things that went on. Even now. I can't do anything right. Everything I do is criticised, but never to my face. Always to my siblings behind my back.

I have too many children, my house is too big (???), i need to lose weight, I have more money then I let on (I wish!).

Just horrible.

Thing is, she's as bad a grandmother as she was a mother. Never comes to see them or ask about them, but will fish about them all over social media to make herself look like granny of the year.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

UnboxingSoon · 30/06/2019 23:00

ps, wrt social skills, I think I used to just be what I thought other people wanted me to be, I used to pride myself almost on being a chameleon, but as time as gone on and I've understood more and accepted myself more and grown to believe that I am a person, I am a personality rather, and that I'm enough, I've found it easier to socialise in a calmer way. Speak. Listen. Digest. Respond.. ykwim? Easy, now! I probably used to panic when I was younger and speak too much and not listen. So awareness of all of this and acceptance of what happened and belief in my (new) self has definitely made socialising easier. I just mean talking to people, getting to know them btw.

OhGrimbles · 30/06/2019 23:09

I am so sorry to hear about your awful childhood. I’m afraid having your own child will bring it all home to you even more probably. I don’t mean by that that you are about become unhappier, far from it, but it will further highlight the shortcomings of your own upbringing. There might be a silver lining though as hopefully with your awareness of what’s happened in the past you will be able to check yourself and steer a better course.

I had a fairly shitty, neglectful childhood and I didn’t even realise the extent of it until I had children of my own. I had gone through life feeling guilty that everything was my fault all the time because this is what I had been taught. It had never occurred to me until I became a parent just how weird and uncaring they were and I was shocked by the disparity in the instincts I had towards my children compared to the way I had been treated. Like yours from the sound of it, my parents should never have had children.

If there is a silver lining to all of this it is that you have acknowledged that their behaviour was abysmal and you are checking yourself in a bid not to repeat it. I think it’s incredibly difficult to admit that our family have not looked after us as they might because most of the time, we can’t help but feel love for them regardless and also because it is painful to admit that the people who are supposed to be instinctively driven to care for us just haven’t for whatever reason. It feels unbearably lonely and how can that not impact one’s self-esteem and who finds that easy to say. So it is brave and cathartic to say what you have said.

The good thing is that you have an opportunity to do things differently with your children. Hopefully you are no longer dependent on them for anything.

I am sending you best wishes, Op and congratulations on your pregnancy. You can do things very differently and your self-awareness means you’re off to a good start.

UnboxingSoon · 30/06/2019 23:10

Sounds like it's all about appearances, and if she's got a really low self-esteem herself then unfortunately she has seen you as a tool to make her look better/feel better.

Take a big step back, as you have done. But without announcing it in a way that would make her martyrdom rise up. Ykwim.

AriadneesWeb · 30/06/2019 23:14

My parents failed to stop me being bullied at school, just told me to shut up about it. They let me be lonely because they wanted to drink more than they wanted to pay for me to do any extra curricular activities. They also had no idea about life, education and careers; not their fault but I basically got no life advice. When I was 19 they started arguing and I had to move out because it was an awful atmosphere and my mother wanted a separate bedroom (i.e. mine).

OhGrimbles · 30/06/2019 23:16

Sorry if that sounded patronising at the end by saying you’re off to a good start. It’s just that these realisations are such a journey as you pointed in your OP by stating your feelings at different pints in your life. It’s just that having your own children is another new beginning in that journey and to be fair you’re miles ahead of where I was when I first had children.

thoughtsandthoughts · 30/06/2019 23:16

googlegoals

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through similar, and sorry that my post is bringing back memories Flowers

That reminds me though, I was never told "I love you" either.

UnboxingSoon

You're probably on to something there with their own fears and inadequacies. They were immigrants in the UK so it can't have been easy. Do you have any links on the psychology side? I am interested in having a look, although that reminds me of the time I was trying to get work experience with a psychologist and my mum stood over me whilst I was on the phone and she felt that I was taking too long so she yanked the phone out of my hand and hung up for me.

Are you in the stage of only really realising the scars it's left on you quite recently? That can be a very unsettling stage I think.

I am thinking about things a lot more because I am pregnant, I think. I can't imagine inflicting even half of the shit I went through on my own child. But also just growing older, more mature, and coming to terms with society has put lots of things in a new light, e.g. it's not normal to only think horrible things about people. Or the drawing incident - I was maybe 11 years old, and definitely not in a position to decide on my career there and then. There was no need to tell me my childish scribbles were shit designs and no one would buy my clothes. Why couldn't she have just left me to draw? Or being locked in a room - the bloody house could have burned down. They could have been in an accident and I'm convinced no one would know that I was there, alone. My blood runs cold thinking of the consequences and I don't understand what the fuck they were doing or why.

I am glad to hear that you have finally found your own sense of self, even if it took a while to get there.

OP posts:
OhGrimbles · 30/06/2019 23:20

I don’t want to go into too much detail about myself here but UnboxingSoon, you sound quite similar to me. My whole personality was built on pleasing people and it has caused me no end of trouble and continues to this day unfortunately but at least I know what’s going on now.

SparrowBo · 30/06/2019 23:20

I'm so sorry. You deserved much better. Flowers

Usingmyindoorvoice · 30/06/2019 23:32

You were treated appallingly, and as pp said, deserved so much better.Flowers
Congratulations on your pregnancy, and maybe seek some counselling to support you to be the parent you want to be.
History does not have to repeat itself.

BubblyBluePebbles · 30/06/2019 23:33

My parents were and are still rubbish parents in so many aspects, but I don't feel they failed me spectacularly. I think because I have done my best to not let them fail me. I think the negative comments fuelled my desire to aim higher make something of myself. I really feel for you and glad you are able to refleyct and understand how this has affected you.
I have low contact with my Mother and I'm estranged from my Father.
Out of the Fog is an amazing website where you'll find others that have had experiences as you.
outofthefog.website/

You are not alone and will hopefully find a way to deal with how you're feeling and positively come out the other side feeling better and stronger.
Bearing children is a miraculous feat, but unfortunately nearly everyone can do it. In most cases, the only thing you can do in order to protect yourself and your family going forward is to go no contact. You absolutely have to break the cycle so your own children are not exposed to the same abuse. You've won if you are able to protect your own children from this. Good luck and all the best with your pregnancy and protecting your innocent unborn child 💐

Sakura7 · 30/06/2019 23:43

It very common for children who were neglected or abused to only realise the truth in adulthood, and it's a gradual process as you have found out. Often having your own kids and feeling protective of them makes you realise you weren't protected by your own parents. You realise they did things that no normal loving parent would dream of.

Honestly they sound completely unhinged and they won't change. You should go no contact (rather than low contact) in order to protect yourself and your child. Kids pick things up from a really young age and you don't want your toxic parents influencing them.

TransFannyUltrasound · 30/06/2019 23:51

Yes.

UnboxingSoon · 30/06/2019 23:56

Oh boy, I remember my mother asked me what I discussed in psychotherapy! The cheek of her. I gave vague answers. I told her I talked about my xh but actually, when I went in to the first session I thought it would be me dissing my abusive x but she went right back to the beginning which I initially saw as irrelevant. The therapy did help me see the effect my parenting had had on me.

I'll try and link things that helped me tomorrow! up at 6am.

MsMaisel · 30/06/2019 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paffuto · 01/07/2019 00:10

Same here and I finally went no contact aged 40. Very very difficult to break away but finally did and have never regretted it. Life with them was a constant turmoil and now it's bliss without them. Biggest compliment my daughter ever gave me when she was younger (she's 27 now) was that our home was boring. ProudHalo a normal, boring home. I bet many of you will know just what I mean? Good luck for the future OP, it's a long realisation and journey but you're well on the way Flowers

Sakura7 · 01/07/2019 00:17

MsMaisel That sounds very similar to my mother. She has bipolar, but what we really suspect is her main issue is borderline personality disorder. It's like they're living in a fantasy world, and yes, they are always the victim and treated so unfairly. You should look up the Out Of The Fog website if you haven't already. Lightbulbs start going off all over the place the more you read.

I think there needs to be much greater monitoring by SS of parents who raise red flags. My mother was committed to mental hospitals several times but was allowed straight back home with absolutely no monitoring of me.

Lisette1940 · 01/07/2019 00:35

Flowers OP. Not great experience with dp too. NC now. It took years of putting up with them but finally I now see the patterns.

Look after yourself.

Lisette1940 · 01/07/2019 00:36

By DP I meant my parents

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/07/2019 01:06

I could have written your post, even down to how I thought about them through different phases of my life. Although they were not as extreme, and my father was basically just not involved, it all came from my mother.

One thing that sticks out clearly is me saying I was going to study really hard for maths, because it was the only subject I was bad at. My mother said 'right, let's see how long that lasts.' I don't know why I always remember that, she said so many worse things, but I think it was the first time I realised that it wasn't just that I was a horrible person/daughter, but that she was a bit crazy.

The constant judgement of other people. We can be driving past someone who has some shopping bags and they'll say "God, look at that moron with all their bags." WTF. It has made me both terrified of criticism and highly critical of others - thankfully, mainly in my head these days. But I find it very difficult not to hate people on sight. (Weirdly, when we're in my husband's home country, they think everyone is perfect? Very odd.)

They never taught me I had to wash more than once a week, or to change my clothes. So I'd wear the same clothes for a week, even as a teenager. I had issues with controlling my bladder and I remember I once peed myself at school and my shoes stunk of pee but my mum did nothing.

They never fed us adequately. It wasn't really til I got married that I realised that I wasn't eating enough. They'd always talk about these huge portions you get in restaurants and they'd end up leaving half and they'd always talk about how fat other people were because they ate too much food. My husband loves eating and it encouraged me to eat everything on my plate, and I realised that I actually felt full. And I stopped getting sick all the time. I used to get colds constantly, which I now realise was down to not eating enough. If I go to their house now, I'm shocked by how little they eat. My dad's lunch could literally be one of those mini pies or two mini sausage rolls, one biscuit and a tangerine, and he works as a builder. And he doesn't eat breakfast. My husband and I now bring food to eat in the bedroom because they just don't give us enough, even after seconds or offering to cook more.

Huge fights in front of us, my mum telling me she wanted to divorce my dad, not talking to each other for weeks on end.

The entire mood of the house was dictated by my mother's mood swings. If she was angry, we'd all have to go and hide. Then she'd be crying and we all had to be nice and tiptoe around her and tell her we loved her.

Just constant sneering at anything I wanted to do, so I stopped doing anything. I was really smart as a kid, read constantly, asked questions, good at everything, now I'm basically rubbish at everything. They treated me like I was a joke.

The worst time: she found out I was self-harming and she asked why I was doing it. I said something like 'maybe I'm just weird'. And she said 'yes, that is exactly what I think.' That was the first time I experienced depersonalisation and I think I have never really recovered from that comment. Everything I thought about myself, that everyone hated me, that I didn't fit in, that I would always be an outsider, was encapsulated in that remark. Who says that? Who tells their vulnerable, mentally ill daughter that she's weird?

Well, basically, I would say they didn't do any of the extreme stuff your parents did, they didn't lock me up or anything. My mother would actually do lots of nice things with us too. But you never knew how she was going to be, whether she would be nice that day or whether she would attack you for no reason.

When I finally stuck up for myself, she backed the fuck off and is now terrified of me. She will do anything to appease me. She still makes snide comments at times, but I just tell her to stop being silly and she shuts up. She even tried to start with me on my wedding day, nitpicking at my dress and saying I was lucky anyone would have me. I just sighed and asked her to stop her nonsense. Having that power over her is fucking great. For me, it's better than going no contact. Maybe it's not that healthy, I don't know.

She has no time alone with our kids, and she knows why. And it kills her, because my PIL have a great relationship with them. Sometimes she will say things like 'oh we could have them for the weekend' and I am strong enough to say 'no, I really don't think so.'

Good luck to you. It sucks having such a rough start in life.

CoolCarrie · 01/07/2019 02:07

You are not alone , thoughts and thoughts, have a look on the we took you to stately homes board. History will not repeat it’s self you are a strong woman x

omafiet · 01/07/2019 02:16

I'm sorry, OP. You did not deserve any of the mistreatment you suffered. I hope you are getting support in dealing with the aftermath,

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