10 yr old doesn't want to go dad's

[DocusDiplo]

If a 10 yr old doesn't want to go to her dad's (not for any safeguarding or abuse reason) and it went to court - what would the judge say do you think?

Who knows? In my experience, it depends on what kind of morning they have had😠😠😠

However, i would encourage your dd to be herself, and be confident to respectfully speak up for herself should she need to in a court situation.

A judge would want to know why and whether you are encouraging her to go. Is there a court order?

I'd been encouraging DD to go to her dad's for the last 2 yrs. Sometimes she is OK and sometimes not. It's an hour away EOW and with clubs and commitments it's annoying for her to miss things. She also complains as his new partner/baby takes up his time. He jumped straight from me to new woman who was pregnant within 6 months for the record.

We have no court order or anything written at all - just ... sorted it out ourselves. I was never happy but went along and forced them to go when they were crying etc. I am just wondering at what age is she able to say she doesn't want to go anymore. She is scared to tell him and always puts on a fake smile and says everything is fine with him as he is quite strict.

So as you can see, no serious issues. I hate the situation my kids are in. I hate having to encourage them to go. Dreading summer hols as they are already complaining about two weeks there. My DS is 8.

Ranting.

I wish life was not so complicated!

So basically I am asking because she doesn't want to go and I have not been strong enough to stand up for her previously but wondering if I should now. Or maybe leave it till high school next yr.

Can you 'compromise' and have her/them go Sat evening to Sun evening after Saturday clubs etc?

Although judges will take the wishes and feelings of a 10-year-old into account, a child of that age almost certainly is thinking of short-term issues (like missing sports clubs) rather than considering the long-term consequences of her decision, like losing contact with her dad (if she stops going altogether), having a poorer relationship with her half-sibling, etc.

So I'm not convinced a judge would support her permanently sabotaging her relationship with her Dad, by stopping overnight contact, at the age of 10, but I'm not a lawyer.

Are there likely to be any other consequences? My DH had a very acrimonious divorce a few years ago. His ex has systematically undermined his relationship with his teenager to the extent that recently DSD said some very hurtful things and essentially rejected her father. DH voluntarily reduced his contact with her, to spare us all the stress of court - but his very wealthy parents are now planning to disinherit her. (I am not endorsing this - I think it's a terrible thing for them to do.) DH has increased his maintenance to ex in line with CMS guidelines, but even on his very respectable salary the increase is not much and I suspect ex will be out of pocket. Even if there's no inheritance at stake, do think about the financial consequences, and, more importantly, the ramifications for your child's relationship with her half-brother and grandparents as well as her dad.

10 year olds are inherently selfish, her first consideration will be her social life. Not her poor dad who probably misses her hugely......I'd be nipping it in the bud. She has two parents, she should have a relationship with both of them.

A family court will ask you to suggest an alternative to what is in place today. They'd probably ask her view (I believe generally 8 is the point they will ask) but as her parents you remain jointly responsible. They would look for a way for DD to maintain relationships with both dad and half sibling. They won't just let it stop unless there's a safe guarding reason.

Plus whatever you do for her presume has to be the same for DS.

I agree with other pp, at 10 you need to ensure the relationship is maintained.

Putting it another way op, imagine if you split and all your daughter's friends and activities were where her dad lived. And she told you she didn't want to come home anymore or see you as much.........how would you want things to be handled ?

Yeah. It's always been the overnights she has struggled with. He called her and her brother manipulative. Surprisingly I don't see it like that.

If they wanted to go and live with him full time I honestly don't think I would mind - I just want them to be happy.

Whilst I would say it seems silly to prevent trips due to clubs, it's also really difficult to fit things in in week days because I work part time so it means she is missing out on swimming, for example, as I can't squeeze everything into weekdays - especially two kids.

Initially when I let them be forced into going (amongst tension and tears I tried v v hard and generally successfully to shield them from) they both spoke relentlessly about nightmares and she started hearing voices and had to have special help at school. It was really difficult for them. Sometimes it's easier but really they don't want to be dragged around every other weekend.

The other fact that bothers me is that he moved Away from them to live with the other woman - so he chose to make it difficult and now the kids are facing the repurcussions.

You're right about long term consequences. And thank you for sharing your wisdom.

I think I will leave it till she is in high school. And try and get through this year. It's like one burden too many with the emotional weight of this.

Previously he said if he could not have them overnight he would stop maintenance. I couldn't afford that before but I can now as have upped my work hours.

I don't want to do this for me - I love having weekends to myself!!

It's just she has been saying this to me regularly and I don't think she knows much turmoil it will bring if I follow through so I am basically finding it difficult.

I will do nothing and see what happens.

Oh and he won't compromise. It's really not what he does. Outright refuses. I.e. wouldn't let them transition ...straight to two night away on new house with new people... No adjustments... No sleeping arrangement adjustments with him when they were scared at night with terrors ...just "it's my right".

I am venting in anger and frustration but I won't do anything dramatic or unsensible.