Dealing with a workplace bully

[PineappleChutney]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice. I like my job and really don't want to leave but one particular middle manager (NHS) is causing endless stress.

He is widely disliked for being rude, belligerent and downright ignorant, but as it's his manner it's hard to pin down specifics that could be used in a complaint. He hates women in particular and especially younger women who are paid more than him (which includes me), and people who won't be bullied into doing what he wants.

He has recently taken to questioning every decision I make in a large email chain. It's embarrassing and I don't know whether to patiently respond clarifying the reasoning (as I have done so far) or just ignoring him. So far I have managed to stop his behaviour affecting patient care but it's taken a lot of energy and effort and frankly I'm tired of it.

My own line managers are nice people who won't stand up to him because they don't want the fallout and have to work with him. So they are privately supportive to me but won't say or do anything. There is no point raising a formal complaint with HR as they will just pass it onto his line manager, who is very protective of him (he was her protege). Everyone complains behind his back but no-one will confront him, and I know if I do, no one will publicly back me up.

I have to work around him and learn to cope with it if I'm to survive in this job. Any tips?

No point complaining. Management are always right, and you will find your life gets much worse if you do make a fuss. It's wrong, but more widespread than you think. Sorry. (Speaking from experience here.)
Get a new job.
You will be happy elsewhere.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I've endured similar for years and have been accused of some awful things. Management and HR have been consistently unhelpful despite me providing proof. They make all the right noises but do nothing.

I am not some wilting lily. But my bully breaks me a little more each day. I cannot leave (for a few very important reasons) and I'm practically wishing to go sleep and not wake up so that I can escape the bully and also break free from the bitter bastard I have become. The unfairness of it all is crippling.

Large companies do not care.

Again, I'm sorry. Some people just enjoy being horrible.

Have you tried:What would you like me to do on receipt of your email?"
Get him to spell out his expectations.That way you are dealing with specifics.Something that's o.k., within your remit,or what else?
Pin him down,as if you are taking him seriously.If his reply has by any remote chance,merit, act on it.If not,react on that! And stand firm with reasons why it's not feasible,practical or reasonable.
Go for it,he's a twerp getting in the way of your work.

Thank you both very much for replying. NumbersStation I identify so much with what you posted, that's exactly how I feel. It's relentless and is affecting me so much despite being generally quite resilient.

Bluetrews yep I know you're right, and appreciate you giving it to me straight. A lot of people say "you should complain" but you can bet that if I do none of them will speak up and I'll get all the flack. With getting a new job... it may come to that but what if there's one in every workplace...? I also think he'll be pleased if I leave (several other people have left and I think he enjoys the power of pushing people out) - not that he'll like anyone who replaces me either.

Enchomage sorry, cross-posted with you, thanks for replying. Without being too specific, part of my remit is to decide which patients are admitted to our specialist unit. He doesn't want "difficult" patients who will make the unit figures look worse (think: very sick patients who will use a lot of resources and have worse outcomes) - despite them needing our treatment. He wants me to say they aren't suitable when my view is that they are. His emails are intended to undermine my assessments and then he calls me to try to insist that I change my decision. I do stand my ground on the patient's behalf and he's never been successful so far, but it's utterly exhausting as I know the whole process will repeat each week. 100% agree on the "twerp getting in the way of my work", I like that phrase :)

Coming from a group where discussion of these sorts and our experiences with them was our aim - the conclusion we always came to was that if this person was of a management position in your workplace - leave. Don't bother to fight it. Just get yourself out as soon as possible. Provided you can find other work that is.

Unfortunately, management tends to cover for other management so it's like farting against thunder trying to do anything about it and all that will happen is you will be made out to be a problem maker. Of course it's him, but disordered people in management positions tend to thrive unfortunately.

Think of your own mental health and well being and do right by yourself. Otherwise you will end up worn out and tbh...once these sort target you, which it sounds like he has, there is no avoiding the fallout which they will inevitably create. If you don't stand up to him, he will think you are an easy target. If you do stand up to him, he will be enraged and will make you suffer.

It's sad but, there are some problems we most certainly should run from. Fast and far.

I had someone like that. The excessive questioning and nit picking is familiar. He escalated to making unfounded accusations of gross misconduct against me (which was so manifestly untrue that no action was taken). He has since repeatedly briefed senior managers with his accusations and called again for formal investigation into me.

I submitted a grievance, and despite proof, senior management don't want to know. I'm off sick, and my ET is in a couple of months.

I wish I could give some sort of advice, but my bully had / has me well and truly in his sights, and ignoring it didn't work - he was determined to cause me as much detriment as he could.

Sympathies, I've had similar.

I would ignore the emails. Responding to them just adds fuel to the fire.

I would get them in a room on their own, no witnesses and say to them what the fucks your problem. And that aren’t prepared to put up with it etc. Bullies usually shit themselves at this.
I know it’s probably the worst advice ever but sometimes you just need to stand up to them and show them they can’t walk over you.

@Pinkpartyplanner with my one any time I stood up to him just meant he would ramp up his behaviour. He is utterly deranged, and has done this many times before.

Could you reframe your replies to his emails to highlight his behaviour? So every time he questions your decisions say that you understand that he gets worried about complex patients but you’re right behind him and you have every confidence that he will manage.

Thanks all. Really appreciate the responses.

I guess there are a few things against leaving:

• my job is really good in most other ways - great part time working hours, pay, good team, work I like. I could get another job but it just wouldn't be as good and mean less time with DC

• I don't think he's particularly targeting me as he is like this with most people. Everyone has a story about their run-ins with him - many worse than mine. I don't think he's actually bright enough to do it on purpose - it's more just the way he naturally relates to everyone around him (i.e. being a bullying dick)

• He's not my manager - so to some extent I can and probably should ignore him - it's just intensely irritating / frustrating / exhausting. But he isn't in a position to ruin my career, unless I snap and say/do something unprofessional to him (one of the reasons for starting this thread - to stop me doing that...)

It may end up that I do resign (was seriously thinking this on Friday) but I want to try and make it work.

I disagree with the advice to ''get a new job''.

I left one job where there were a few cold shouldering type bitches who made themselves feel better by freezing me out. So I talked to the couple of men who worked there instead which made them hate me even more.

I left and got a new job and lo and behold there was another viper who pulled the same shit on me, manipulating the social dynamics, but oh so subtly, to exclude me from the chat, the coffees, any nights out.

I know this isn't professional though. But it made things very awkward.

I googled endlessly and the best advice I saw was to make the unseen seen.

In your case though it looks like that would hardly be necessary!

So the making the unseen seen advice would in your case go something like ''I feel like you set out to disbelieve every fact presented to you and delay progress, is that your intention?''. Say it in front of witnesses so it can't be misquoted later. Hopefully he will be forced to say that no that is not his intention. Then the advice is to say ''good!'' and act as though the matter is dealt with. It's important that you take their denial as gospel and move on. Apparently it puts them on notice that it would be less easy than they'd anticipated to fuck with you undermine you.

Ah, just seen your update!

In that case I'd do your level best not to get drawn in to a discussion with him as that will feed his delusion that his opinion matters excessively. If the moment is right, ever, laugh gaily and say '''thank God your not in charge''

You talk about a chain email. Could you reply all/copy in all relevant people and very politely challenge him...for example laying out a particular scenario, justifying your decision re his and then stating that it is a waste of everyone’s time to repeat the same argument on a weekly basis so suggest a meeting to agree ground rules on set issues?

I think if he isn't your manager or similar you don't have to answer to him other than out of courtesy. I think reframing his challenges as previously suggested:

So every time he questions your decisions say that you understand that he gets worried about complex patients but you’re right behind him and you have every confidence that he will manage.

Will put him back in his box. Try and detach from him emotionally, he isn't targeting you especially he treats everyone like this and focus on sounding like a broken record.

Thanks everyone - it's been really helpful to read all your replies, and I already feel much better / stronger just for hearing that I'm not the only one who has had to deal with this (though I'm sorry you've all had to).

brassbrass reading your comment "Try and detach from him emotionally" has really struck a chord. I think that's the root of the problem. I've been letting him get under my skin and feeling/acting defensive when the reality is that everyone knows full well what he's like a dick I think a short, breezy laying out of facts and then ignoring further emails is the way to go.