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Am I being bullshitted or does he like me?

45 replies

biginjaynestown · 30/06/2019 17:46

Okay - don't be too harsh. My last relationship was emotionally abusive, it took me many, many years to realise this and it has made me doubt my judgement with men. This is the first guy I have been interested in since then.

I go to a class and there is a guy I met a couple of classes ago I thought maybe liked me. Last class, last night, I was certain he did, he was clearly asking questions to see if I was single. He also asked me if I knew many people ( I am new to the area) and he said, 'I will give you my number at the end of the class, maybe we could be friends'. At the end of the class I asked him if he would like to go to the pub. He looked really pleased. We went and had a couple of drinks. I thought it went well - I had a great time and he seemed to too. At the end he said, 'I will give you my number and you can call me if you want to meet again' I said,' I asked you for a drink, it is your turn to ask me out' (but maybe he never heard me as he was putting his number in my phone). He walked me to the bus and hugged me as we parted. Perhaps embarrassingly, I texted him when I got home saying ' I like you' He texted back ' I like you too x'

But I have heard nothing since. I really did like him. He was warm, open, friendly, interesting, empathetic, and appeared genuinely interested in me. And physically I am really attracted to him.

My past relationship has made me very wary of seeking to hold onto someone who does not treat me well. I want to text him and ask him if he would like to meet again, but feel like I have already twice put my self out there in making it clear I am interested. Should I text or will I be pathetically pursuing someone who is not that interested?

OP posts:
biginjaynestown · 30/06/2019 19:42

I gave him a selection of dates I am free next week and he has chosen Tuesday - the earliest date I gave!

If it goes well, I might get two dates this week Smile

OP posts:
user1199 · 30/06/2019 19:45

Ooooh in a world of LTB type threads this is beautiful to read. All the best. Wink

Pointlessness · 30/06/2019 19:45

This is so romantic. It's easier said than done, but you should text him to say hi or send a funny meme to him.

He does like you. Even if you're not sure because he hasn't messaged back since.

Life's too short.

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Pointlessness · 30/06/2019 19:47

Sorry Grin cross posted. Absolutely delighted for you x

biginjaynestown · 30/06/2019 20:27

Mumsnet is so nice sometimes! Thanks everyone Smile

OP posts:
omione · 30/06/2019 21:14

Try texting" had a great time, would love to do it again soon". Hope all goes well x

Tink1990 · 30/06/2019 21:20

This is lovely! Cant wait to hear how it goes! This gives me hope Grin

CatSmize · 02/07/2019 23:09

@biginjaynestown How did the date go? Smile

GodDammitAmy · 02/07/2019 23:15

Good for you OP! I started a similar thread 9 months ago - we're still seeing each other! Let us know how the date goes.

Riceandthings · 02/07/2019 23:18

Ooh he sounds nice Smile

Has he got any brothers

biginjaynestown · 03/07/2019 10:09

It was awful. It was all so positive before the date, he texted how he was really looking forward to seeing me, even on the day said the work he was contracted to do had been cancelled and so he could meet me earlier if I wanted etc.

It started off well but then he showed really unpleasant sides to himself. He was absolutely horrible about his 19 year old daughter - I get it is because he is upset because he feels she is shutting him out, but it was absolutely bloody clear that the way he is handling things is making things worse. He told me about a (horrible) letter he wrote to her and I said, ' I know what you were trying to communicate was how much she means to you and how much you want to connect but she will have heard you attacking her', but he just got annoyed with me for not agreeing with him and basically ended up saying he was cutting her out of his life until she did the running to him. Tbh I get the impression he is pretty emotionally damaged. We have wildly different views on a number of topics and whilst I like having discussions with people with different views these got quite nasty. I found one of his views actively offensive, and two things he said to me I found personally offensive and belittling. I will absolutely not be having a relationship with this man.

But here is the most depressing thing of all. Despite all that I still had and have a really powerful sexual attraction to this man. Even after his twatty offensive comments I would look at him and think ' 'I want to have sex with this man'. On the way home we did have a very passionate kiss and grope, and it was one of the most erotic experiences I have ever had. He's not even particularly good looking so there is obviously something primal inside me attracting me to arseholes, because they are aresholes.

It has made me realise that I am sexually attracted to confident arrogant tossers. When I look back a my past long term relationships they have all been with men who share very similar characteristics - they are confident and arrogant, they have very little or no self insight, or awareness of how they come across, they are obsessed with themselves and their perspective, they claim to be feminists but are often unable to deal with me having a different opinion from them, there is a huge gap between how they see themselves and how they are, they are extremely affectionate to me and shower me with compliments but treat me with little real respect and are dismissive of my perspectives where I disagree with them or have an issue with their behaviour to me.

I'm really upset because it has hit me like a brick wall that I can't avoid the conclusion that I programmed to want sex with complete tossers. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be attracted to normal decent men? Why do I only like men who have no real respect for me and treat me like shit? Am I destined to be alone or be with a bastard? The only good thing is that at least this time I recognised what this guy was like on the second date. But I don't know how to change who I am attracted to, so I'm never going to have a relationship am I?

@CatSmize @Lipz @Tink1990 @GodDammitAmy @purpleboy @Lipz @PhannyPharts

OP posts:
LittleKitty1985 · 03/07/2019 10:26

Sorry your date went badly, but at least you've gained this insight about yourself. It sounds like classical conditioning - you've enjoyed sex with this sort of men in the past and so you associate these characteristics with sexual pleasure, causing involuntary arousal. Don't feel bad about that arousal, it's out of your control, whereas you can control your actions and who you date, so focus on finding someone who treats you right (and if you want to, put this loser in the spank bank Wink)

GodDammitAmy · 03/07/2019 10:34

Oh no, that's such a shame on the one hand but on the other - you've made an amazing discovery about yourself that puts you on the path to recovery. Agree with LittleKitty, you're conditioned to this. It is possible to recover. My new DP is the opposite of every guy I have been out with in the past (who have pretty much morphed into one). It hasn't been easy to move on but with good counselling and friends I am getting there.

CatSmize · 03/07/2019 10:57

Aww, sorry he turned out to be a twat. I just wanted to say that many people go through their whole lives without developing the insight that you seem to have. It's fantastic that you know yourself well and where you are going wrong with regards to picking guys.

I have no idea how to change who you are attracted to but I agree with PP that you can control your actions so not seeing him again/sleeping with him will definitely be a start!

I also recommend therapy. I always ended up with commitmentphobes which was weird because they promised me the world, were very intense in their feelings for me but never quite ended up delivering even after years together. It was only when I started therapy that I met my DH. I couldn't even tell you what changed in me; maybe developing more self love so I knew I deserved a commitment and wouldn't settle without it.

Congratulations on realising after 2 dates that this idiot isn't for you! And he was probably on his best behaviour! Flowers

biginjaynestown · 03/07/2019 11:08

And he was probably on his best behaviour!

Yes, that's one of the things that gets me. He clearly likes me, he clearly wants to have sex with me, and he couldn't even behave well for a few hours! What the fuck was going through his head?

Thanks for the encouraging words. But I don't really know what to do. There is another guy I get on well with who is not arrogant, seems like a decent guy, quite serious - but I don't fancy him. What am I meant to do? Pursue guys who seem nice but I am not attracted to in the hope I will become attracted to them?

If counselling would help - what type of counselling?

OP posts:
Lipz · 03/07/2019 12:37

Oh no.... I can't believe it. The fecker !!!! I had such hope that this would go good.

I think at some point in everyone's lives we attract the wrong person. I for a long time thought I'd only ever be with guys who were not good for me. Some who treated me like crap, some who brought out the bad side of me, some who even though we were sexually attracted to each other and had fantastic sex, we were just toxic together.

There are guys out there more suitable, however sometimes we don't get 'everything' we'd like so we have to compromise on one or two things, it's up to us what we want most. With my own dh I chose his kindness, his unconditional love, his understanding of all my ways, how trustworthy he is, but I compromised on passion. It's just not in him, but the other qualities meant more to me. If I had of married the guy before him ( we were engaged) it would have been non stop passion, but he was a little selfish and for some reason we were just toxic together. The arguments were horrific. I'm sure there are guys who tick all the boxes.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, I'm am glad though that you found out early on and I'm glad you got a chance to get to see what he's like, because if you had not contacted him you'd be wondering what if.

You will meet someone more suitable, just have some fun finding them ;) I always find when you're not looking you meet someone.

LittleKitty1985 · 03/07/2019 13:41

There must be other characteristics that you find attractive? Make a list and look for that guy Smile

Whereissummerthisyear · 03/07/2019 14:41

You’ve seen the light! As long as you don’t see him again though.

biginjaynestown · 03/07/2019 17:28

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories of crap relationships. Makes me feel a bit better about myself.

LittleKitty1985 that is a good idea. I think I have quite a clear idea of the qualities I want. Someone who wants to get to really know me, someone who listens, someone who sees our relationship as one of two equals who respect and support each other through life, someone who is kind, caring, empathetic and companionable. That's what I have to offer, and I want it reciprocated!

OP posts:
Tink1990 · 03/07/2019 17:41

Im so sorry he was a bad egg!! I dont really have any advice however, on th bright side, at least you could see him for how he is rather than being blinded by th attraction Smile

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