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Original poster

I found a note from one of DD's classmates saying she wants to die

21 replies

BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 13:56

I have NC because I have a few threads on the go regarding my DC and this could identify me.

Yesterday I emptied my DD's backpack because a tupperware had leaked. There was a plastic pocket full of little notes. My DD (who's just turned 12 and is in Y7) told me the other day that she is pansexual and has a boyfriend. This is a girl in her class (all girl school) who apparently identifies as a boy, but their parents don't know anything about it and apparently my DD was the first person they told.

So apparently they're an item, whatever that means at this age.

The note says 'For Emily's eyes only (not my DD's real name) and then 'lol I want to die. My life doesn't matter. Ha and I'm ugly as fuck. Lol thought you might wanna know'.

I confronted my daughter and I explained that I would have to let school know because obviously this child needs some support. She got extremely upset and asked me not to do it, that he was already going to get therapy, so I asked why and my DD replied 'because he was abused as a child', something he shared with my DD and another 3 kids just recently.

My DD went through a difficult year 6 where a shift with friendships means that she ended up without a trusty friend to be with, and I think she's hanging on to this other child because she feels she might end up alone otherwise, but she's probably flattered as well. Or maybe she genuinely fancies her I don't know.

Anyway. This is a difficult situation, because on the one hand I feel I need to let school know and make sure that if this child needs support, they get it. But also, I really don't want my DD being the recipient to these notes, revelations and secrets.

I also feel there's more I don't even know about.

Up until 2 months ago my DD was playing with water pistols and kittens, I was not prepared for this massive jump.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 30/06/2019 14:00

I would want to keep my daughter away from anyone who encourages her to be 'pansexual' at 11 years old. This child is clearly going through a lot but it's rubbing off on your daughter and that is not okay. I hope she finds the support she needs.

MidnightVelvet9 · 30/06/2019 14:06

Hi OP,

Take the note to school as the designated safeguarding lead may get involved, but at the same time explain that your child has expressly wanted you not to so you would like your involvement to remain anonymous.

Protect them both x

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 30/06/2019 14:09

Definitely tell the school and ask if they can arrange for DD to talk to learning mentor or counsellor or have one made available if she has any concerns or wants to chat.

Closely monitor her internet access.

It maybe worth either reposting this or asking for it to be moved to feminist chat.

matahairyy · 30/06/2019 14:11

I have a lot to do with year 7. They do this a lot.
GKY is a common term. Sadly etc.
Pass it on to school. But don’t equate this a real plan necessarily. .

Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 14:13

Sorry what is GKY?

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 30/06/2019 14:17

I am guessing it means 'go kill yourself'?

If I were you I'd let the school know, but ask them not to say where it came from.

Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 14:50

Oh I see

OP posts:
Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 17:25

Right. I have just done a swoop on her bedroom and found more notes, LOTS of them. It has become blatantly obvious to me that it is most likely that my own DD has been writing notes of a similar nature to the other kid.

Also, my DD lied to my DH and I when we asked yesterday if there were any more notes.

We also asked her if she had been exchanging notes during lessons and she said no. It is very clear they have, as some of them say 'wait till the end of lesson'.

Now what?

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 30/06/2019 17:34

Like I said, you need to get your DD away from her.

Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 17:56

It's not easy thought is it? I can ask school to keep an eye, but how are they realistically going to do this? If I tell my DD I don't want her spending time with the other kid, she's just going to feel validated in her angst.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 30/06/2019 18:12

Arrange a meeting with the school - you'll need to work together on this one.
Don't tell your DD to stay away from the other child until you have a plan.

Out of curiosity, how does an all girls school deal with a transgender child? If the child chooses to identify as a boy, would they be allowed to remain at the school? Would all other parents need to be consulted?
I'm just interested if anyone has any idea...

Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 18:14

I haven't got a clue newmomof1

OP posts:
dancemom · 30/06/2019 18:22

@newmomof1 my dad goes to an all girls school and yes girls who identify as boys / gender fluid etc still attend.

dancemom · 30/06/2019 18:23

Dd not dad 🙄

MitziK · 30/06/2019 18:30

It's a safeguarding issue.

You can't keep secrets when it regards the safeguarding of children. Yours, as she's likely on the receiving end of what we now describe as coercive control and the other child, because she's expressing suicidal thoughts and there are obviously other issues going on.

Your DD won't like it, but morally, you have no choice - had a teacher found the notes, they would have been legally required to do exactly the same, no matter how much your DD might plead for them not to do it.

Yes, there will likely be fallout from it, but these are children's lives potentially at stake.

marshmallowkittycat · 30/06/2019 18:41

I would contact safeguarding at the school too, not just due to the suicidal thoughts but also the abuse. The abuser may still have access to this child.

I'd tell your daughter that in order to keep her friend safe, you need to speak to another adult.

Unfortunately I think if you stop them from being friends, it may have the effect of them wanting the friendship more. I'd have a chat with your daughter though about boundaries in friendships and relationships.

Friendships can be a bit intense at this age and complicated. Good luck navigating this OP, it's a tricky one.

stucknoue · 30/06/2019 19:05

This is a safeguarding issue not a feminist/trans one. Take everything to the school and meanwhile call your gp tomorrow for a referral to camhs and say you have evidence of negative thoughts and possibly harming herself. Hugs, none of this is in those optimistic baby books.

SandraOhshair · 30/06/2019 20:10

Again I'd not try to ban the friendship but use the upcoming holidays to limit contact naturally. Does dd have a phone and internet access. I'd be limiting that / checking sites and messages.

PotteringAlong · 30/06/2019 20:14

Out of curiosity, how does an all girls school deal with a transgender child? If the child chooses to identify as a boy, would they be allowed to remain at the school?

No. I work in an all boys school and we make it very clear that we are such and, therefore, you need to be a boy to attend. If you want to be a girl then you need to go to the girls school. We have an opposite all girls school and they are very clear about that to.

Pinkyyy · 30/06/2019 20:51

I'd consider moving her to a different school OP. It really is that serious.

Original poster
BlooodyKids · 30/06/2019 21:49

Pinkyyy this happens in every school

OP posts:
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