What would you do about old friend.

[Toddlerteaplease]

Need some advice about an old friend. He's in his late 70's. I'm late 30's. I've known him for 14 years. We got on really well and had loads in common.

Personal hygiene, and the hygiene in his flat has always been an issue. But he's getting worse and beginning to withdraw from things he usually does. He smells and looks dirty. His mobility is getting worse. However he does absolutely nothing to help himself and will refuse help if it is offered. He's gone from being someone I enjoyed spending time with, to someone I don't want to see anymore and I'm embarrassed to be seen with.

I don't see how I can refer to Social Care without his permission and I suspect he'd refuse any assistance. He has full capacity and no evidence of dementia.

He does have family but they live a long way away and aren't really involved.
I can see things going down hill and to be honest I just don't want the responsibility of him. He's pushed away every single other person locally who cared. I feel awful saying that I just want to walk away from him. But he's dragging me down.
Any suggestions? I do care about him but I feel that he has got to take responsibility for him self.

What a difficult position to be in OP. Your friend sounds like he needs social support, but is not yet ready to accept it, he may have new mental health needs too and feel overwhelmed, not knowing where to start. I also understand you not wanting to be the responsible adult here. Age concern may help you to have a conversation with him www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/worried-about-someone/, and they also have an advice line www.ageuk.org.uk/services/age-uk-advice-line/ 0800 678 1602 - Lines are open 8am-7pm, 365 days a year. You sound like a lovely friend

Thanks. I could ring his son. But feel that I need something concrete to tell him. I've only met him once. But they seem lovely. They get on well. But he doesn't see anyone much. He's only seen his granddaughter twice in the 14 years I've known him. He claims he cares about people, but doesn't act as if he does, if you see what I mean.

He's so stubborn, about accepting help. He had a minor stroke a few years ago, and would have fully recovered. But refused physio input. He's now mentioned having falls. And I don't want to have to drop everything to go and pick him up. When he could avoid it in the first place. If he helped himself. I wouldn't mind, but the stubbornness makes it difficult.

Stubbornness is a complicated thing and my be due to personality, & fears regarding loss of independence, reliance on social services, having strangers in your home, increased infirmity/dying etc, but a few home truths starting with the basics may be needed, along the lines of "this is really hard for me to say, and probably hard for you to hear but you smell, your home smells, it's makes it difficult for me to want to see you or be in your home, it needs sorting but I can't do this, and neither can you. How would you like to let me help you organise for other people to help you with this ".

This conversation and how to start/continue it/pass it on may need fleshing out so that he hears some or all of it instead of just reacting negatively, that's where Age Concern may be able to help.

I have no problem telling him he smells. I never have had. As people will complain to me. The problem is that he just doesn't care!

He's always had issues about people in his home so I have only ever been in a couple of times.