A child hit my son at the park...

[Lulu2106]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right topic but I thought I'd put it here for now.
Bit long I'm sorry.

I was at the park today with my dcs, there was a small water play area that loads of kids were splashing around in. There was also a group of 4 adults sitting next to me who had 1 child with them who was also in the water area. Anyway after about 10 mins of my kids standing in there the little boy runs up to my son and grabs him by the t-shirt and starts pulling him across the water area(which was on concrete with little lights that squirt up water). I run over and grab my son and basically save him from landing on his face, I also say to the little boy 'that was very dangerous, you shouldn't do that'
I wasn't aggressive or loud at the end of the day he's a child so I know he didn't mean to try to hurt him.
At this point his mum comes running over and says to me 'don't talk to my son like that, he's autistic' and his dad joins in and tells me his son doesn't understand and sees other kids as objects.
Now bearing all this in mind I'm saying to them that's fine I understand he's autistic but I also have the right to be worried about MY child. Also I wasn't to know if he's autistic or not and if that's the case then out of the 4 adults shouldn't one of them been with him if they know he's going to do something like that? They then went back to the rest of the group and stood there talking about me and glaring at me.
I just felt like it was completely unfair for them to expect me to know and also talk to me like that when their son hurt mine.
Could I get some perspective from parents with autistic children? Would you have reacted the same way as the little boys parents?

No, we wouldn't have reacted like that. We might have tried to explain about the seeing other children as objects, but only as part of an apology/explanation. Usually we would just say sorry and talk to DS as I generally don't feel comfortable explaining to strangers because (1) it's private and (2) at that age pushing/pulling/shoving isn't exactly unusual, so doesn't require extra context. Although we also would have intervened as soon as he grabbed another child.

Your reaction sounds fine to me, they don't sound particularly pleasant.

I have two autistic sons, one of whom might be inclined to act like the child in question. I would have absolutely sided with you and had words about how we don’t drag other children against their will.

The parents were dickheads.

YANBU. Fair enough kids are kids. They do hit. Its just part of learning and growing up.
However Surely autism doesnt exclude him from following rules as best he can and being taught right from wrong. As you say you werent to know he has autism. Some parents are totally allergic to discipline.
I tell you what Lord help his teachers.
I'm not calling the child saying that. I'm calling the "Don't shout at my darling like that" parents.
I do also find myself wondering if your dh or dp would have been with you would he big hard Knock bloke been as quick to start mouthing off.

I have an autistic daughter. In that scenario I would have told her off myself, apologised to you and your son, and asked my DD to apologise o your son also. Just because she's autistic doesn't mean I shouldn't try to teach her acceptable behaviour.

I have encountered parents like this at one of my DC's classes.
They don't watch their son who attacks /hits /strangles other children every single week.
It's incredibly frustrating as I understand he can't help his behaviours but they never deal with it, always just say oh he's autistic, I'll deal with it later and get shitty with us for complaining.
I think that some parents are just a bit shit regardless of their children's behaviour.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Well that was my initial reaction too. I just thought he's being a child (he looked around 2.5-3) and doesn't quite understand yet not to grab other children and try pull them down to the ground. Didn't think for a minute about autism but they were quick to use it as a way to shut me up. And in this instance it pretty much worked because I didn't know how to react. I did say regardless of his autism their reaction to their son was too slow, supervise your child!
I had this massive man looking down at me and literally glaring in a way that basically suggested 'we said he's autistic why are you still talking' kind of way.
I just thought their reaction was really unfair and wanted to know other peoples opinions so if I'm ever in a similar situation I know how to react.

I also would have been fine with you telling one of my autistic children not to do something like that when they were younger.

If their child was set free to play, someone should have been watching and intervening. I used to watch mine like a hawk at that age, and tell them if they did something that wasn't OK so they learned for next time. Luckily it was all temporary.

Some parents are just assholes - you're quite right to protect your child from being hurt. But it's also not the other kid's fault, and he probably didn't understand why you or your child would be upset.

Yanbu. MY DC's are not autistic but two of their friends are. Now they are adults, the child who had input from his parents is doing well for himself, has a job and is living independently; and the one who did not is in prison for a serious offence.

The parents should have intervened straight away and apologised. I have two children with ASD and would have watched my child like a hawk ready to intervene as soon as they started to behave like that.

Having a job and living independently is not possible for many autistic people however well parented.

OP my son is autistic, this isn’t the sort of thing he would have done but if it was I would have been shadowing him to keep him/others safe and to help him learn how to do it by himself. It’s called parenting.

I've had this problem on more than one occasion.
It's infuriating.
These types of parents are the ones who cause the stigma for kids who have ASD and the reason why they're just seen as "naughty". It's sad.
Fwiw I'm not a parent of an child with autism but my younger brother is and he would of got told off in the same way my NT brothers would.

My youngest used to be the target of a 3 year older DC with SEN - violence and hurting her. Drove me crazy that it ended up my job to try and protect my child every bloody time rather than them watch their child and intervene..

I just ended up avoiding them altogether as it was so stressful especially as I had 3 other young DC to keep any eye on too

I have autistic sons, and one of them needs clear boundaries. I would have been with him at all times, and if he did anything like this without me being able to stop him, I would have apologised, and there would be consequences for my son, which he understands such as it's time to leave, or a time out. It's not easy, but consistency is key

My autistic children are adults now but at no point did I use their autism as an excuse for parenting that wasn’t up to scratch. I too would have been apologetic.

I would have told the parents If they knew their child could possibly hurt other DC because of his autism then they should be standing and watching him at all times. You don’t take your DC to a public place to be attacked.

They should have apologised for being lousy parents.

He should have been supervised (as should all children that age).

If they knew he was prone to that sort of behaviour they should have been watching closely so they could intervene more quickly. My own child wouldn't have done that because he is scared of other children but if eg he had grabbed at someone in grabbing range, I would have said sorry, told him not to do it and probably moved him away to give him the space he needed.

TheInebriati, my son has the input he needs but he will never have a job, be independent etc. It's not just about parenting.

That was my point exactly, there were 4 adults and not one of them was supervising him. Regardless of being autistic all children that age need supervising. I could see his mum was fuming by my reaction but I didn't think I did anything wrong. I'm glad I posted here so I could get other people's opinions. Because I am not a parent to an autistic child I felt I had to back down because 'I didn't understand' so thank you to everyone who replied to me. Much appreciated.

Also with regards to my post being withdrawn that was my fault! After I posted I thought I posted on the wrong thread so reported it only to realise a few seconds later I posted on the correct thread but it was too late! Sorry.

Regardless of the cause if you have a child that physically grabs/bites/hits other people - you follow them at close range!

Yes it goes on for longer/forever for some children. It doesn’t mean you can opt out.

I’ve got an autistic child. I might mention it as part of an explanation. But after being told “you don’t need to play the autism card” when I arrived at a planned event which had been cancelled last minute with a communication they knew I hadn’t seen, now I don’t know whether it’s being taken the wrong way. I wasn’t “playing a card” I was trying to think on the hoof to work out how to mitigate the distress from the unexpected change of plan, not asking for special treatment.

YANBU. I get that an autistic child has difficulties with dealing with other children (I have an autistic nephew). But that is no excuse for not trying to teach them how to deal with other children. It may not come naturally, but most can learn what is and isn't acceptable. And yes, they will need closer supervision, especially at that age.

My DS (4) is autistic and is prone to hitting / shoving etc.

I supervise him VERY closely indeed. If an incident does occur (and it is extremely rare), then obviously I would discipline him appropriately and offer apologies to the other child and parent. In some cases, if appropriate, I would explain that he has severe autism and other issues which affect his ability to control his behaviour.

But I wouldn't stand talking about the other parent. Their reactions sound a bit unnecessary.