Feeling 'trapped' as a volunteer - anyone else get this?

[Sadik]

I started volunteering with a local community group 4 or 5 years ago when it was set up - I was on the committee as was my DM who was treasurer. Since then my DM's health has meant she had to step down (she has cancer, also my DF has become very frail, can no longer drive etc) & I've taken over as treasurer basically because no-one else felt competent to do it.

My life has also changed in a lot of other ways (H of 25 yrs left, I'm working full time not 4/5 days, now have a new partner in LDR etc) and I'd really like to step down, but I'm struggling to step away. I'm much younger than the other committee members, computer literate, not scared by paperwork/charity returns etc - and I just feel I'd be massively letting them & the users down if I walk.

This isn't an AIBU because no-one is stopping me, obviously, I'm just feeling massively guilt tripped (I mention struggling and they all say 'but Sadik, you do such a good job' basically because no-one else wants to take on my roles). Also, all the rest of the committee have their own pretty full on problems in terms of long term ill health of partners etc....
Anyone else get themselves in these pickles? - I think if I ever extricate myself I'm never going to volunteer for anything ever again!

You set a date and tell them you are leaving then.
Between now and then, help them train someone for the position, if possible.

This happens to every volunteer! Especially if you are volunteering for a small group in the local community. My family are all volunteers and we all end up vaguely talking about how we are thinking about handing over to someone else soon (but it never actually happens because nobody is stupid enough to volunteer).

It’s so hard but I know that I only have myself to blame. Whenever I see any advert looking for people to volunteer I start thinking about it. Luckily my husband has started to point out to me that I don’t even have time for the roles I’ve already taken on let alone doing more.

I have decided to given three months notice for one of my roles but I feel so guilty about it because I know the group will probably close without me.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you have given so much time already. Try to focus on that and be firm about the date you want to finish.

I am more than familiar with this. The group won’t fold if you leave. Someone else will step up. They always do.

I remember naively volunteering to help get toys out each week at the local toddler group. The following week when I turned up I was handed a pile of paperwork, the cash tin, key to the hall and found myself being given a full handover. I was stuck running the show for two years; nobody ever wanted to take over, they always had good reasons not to. Eventually I set a date for leaving and told them all the group would be over on that date unless someone stepped up. It went right to the brink, but on the last day some other mug finally came forward.

And they went through the whole same scenario themselves, a couple of years later.

It always has to go to the brink. ‘‘Twas ever thus.

VenusClapTrap This has happened to before too.I was helping out at a similar group, and after several weeks was more or less told to "take over"!.I lasted about 4 /5 weeks!. I just phoned to say Im sorry but I cant do this any more!.Sure enough along came someone else!.You have done 4/5 years of unpaid work!.Time to hang up your hat !,Its someone elses turn now!

Oh yes, I agreed to be on the Committee of DS2's pre-school, I said I would help with Christmas fete and a bit of fundraising.. It was decided without me being there that I was going to be Treasurer, so was handed all the stuff.
I actually stood my ground and said I wasn't going to do it and they seemed very surprised.

The problem is not many people will actually volunteer to do these kind of things. I took my kids to a volunteer run group I had seen advertised. It was great. At the end they said they it was the last week. Why I asked? Because volunteer was stepping down and no one else would take it on. I ended up running it for 5 years. It closed after that as I set a date when I would run it till and no one else stepped forward. It was well attended as well.

I really don't feel like it's fair to say this happens to every volunteer. I have experience of working with volunteers and volunteering myself and this hasn't happened. However I do think it's more common in small community groups which ate volunteer run.

Anyway back to your question. It's not fair on you to keep going. If this group isn't going to work without you giving loads it's not sustainable. Rather than thinking of an abrupt cut off could you make it clear you're going to leave or stap back and start to plan for this?

Yep, just quit one after 7 years. I wasn't treasurer or secretary, just a trustee, so it wasn't too onerous but trying to get other parents to step up seems to be impossible.

I'm on another one, with a dual role, I quit one role last year and they immediately assumed I'd be happy to take on the also vacant secretary role. I said no.

You just have to walk away. If the members want the organisation to continue then someone will step up, but not if there is any suggestion you might change your mind.

I agree with others. Set a date for in 3 months time and stick to it. No one will do it for you. It’s much better to give notice and work towards a handover than have a breakdown and just leave with no notice.

I hear you OP, been there.

At the end of the day there is only one you, your family needs you and you need to look after yourself too.

Your personal circumstances have changed greatly and the new demands on you now are numerous and varied.

Look after yourself and wrap up at the Volunteering post.

It's what puts me off a lot of volunteering to be honest. I wouldn't mind if it was a well shared load but this isn't

This is such a common problem with small, community volunteer run groups. The only thing you can do, as pps have pointed out, is to set a date when you will be leaving - and mean it. Remind them all at various points that you do mean it. And then leave.

But don't feel guilty if the group does fold after you leave. You did your part, and gave fair notice that you would be stepping down. The fault lies with those who wouldn't volunteer to take over. After all, if everyone did their fair stint, the problem wouldn't arise.

It's the only way - otherwise you stay on "just for another few weeks" while they find someone, and they never find someone because they know you'll stay on.

This happened to me with a book club. No one else wanted to even help but when I said I was stepping down someone eventually came forward but it went to the wire. It was particularly annoying because people were criticising me for stepping down when none of them were willing to step up! And they were all retired and not very busy while I was working a demanding full time job.

This also happened to a friend of mine who was a girl guides leader for years even after her children had long left the guides. People were really nasty to her when she said she needed to step down as she had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was exhausted. No one was willing to do it even though they were all parents of active guides. When I was a guide parents volunteered for a term or two and then stepped aside when they had done their bit and/or their children left. Maybe that doesn't happen anymore - people have less community spirit in general so a poor mug gets stuck for years.

I volunteer now but not in a lead or responsible role - too stressful to feel there's no escape!

It's self-fulfilling too, if people get wind of the fact that committee members have been stuck in their roles for years it puts them off volunteering even more. I was one committee which had a fixed term for chair and that was better because people knew they would only have to do it for a couple of years.

I think also when you have a situation where only one person ever does a job then they become the only one who knows how to do it. It's good for these people to have helpers so the load is reduced, someone else knows how it works and it's a way in for someone less experienced.

I remember years back when looking for some voluntary work it was like nothing, nothing, nothing, desperately need someone to lead/run/organise, nothing, nothing, nothing. Very off putting to a novice

normal
I volunteered with a neighbourhood association.
I had a great time but at some point became too much and I left.
it's fine to quit, don't feel bad!

I think I've been lucky in the past in that all the things I've done have been child related so had a natural lifespan - toddler group, primary pta, sports club helper - so that as my dc moved on I could bow out. And if no-one came to take over, then there were parents who could be strongly encouraged to volunteer as their dc were benefitting.

The trouble with this group is that our users are almost entirely the elderly or parents with small dc, some can (and do) volunteer but many realistically can't. So if it folds people who already struggle in life will miss out. It doesn't help that I'm one of only two committee members under 70 which doesn't encourage other younger people to join!

Having said that I think I do need to move on, we do have limited trustee terms built into our constitution, so the best way might be to say that I won't stand again when mine comes to an end.

I understand the quilt. For an entirely different reason from yours I have considered leaving the small charity where I volunteer in a fairly big role (I would move to another charity if all went well) but keep thinking of all the things that wouldn't get done for ages if I left as I know they would struggle to replace me.

I also agree with a pp that not many people actually volunteer to take on these roles. We have a fairly large pool of "volunteers" but only really 3-5 of us involved on a regular basis, the majority of the others rarely step up for even the smallest task (like manning a fundraising stall for 2 hrs at a local event or driving an hour's round trip to transport something).

BUT, at the end of the day you need to put your needs first sometimes and the group/organisation will manage somehow without you.

I think maybe I need to think clearly through what I can do realistically, and what things would be particularly hard for them to replace. TBF we do have people who are completely willing to volunteer - for example running fundraising events, making teas etc - it's just the more admin / computer / financial roles that they don't feel able to take on. If I can set out some clear boundaries it might feel more manageable.

Been there, done that.

I did exactly what was suggested up thread. I gave three months notice and stuck to it - they were STILL surprised that I actually left.