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Friend and colleague suicidal - told me not to tell anyone

6 replies

DocusDiplo · 29/06/2019 00:52

Hello.

Wondering if anyone can advise.

I have a not close friend and colleague who says he wants to take his own life.

He doesn't want me to tell anyone at work and he is off sick.

I told him to call Samaritans and local MH team but he has long term depression and arrogant and determined nothing can help him and he is fed up with life.

Selfishly, I don't want to hold on to this information...

As it is not imminent (i.e. he has not made plans) I won't give Samaritans his number right now but I just don't know what to do.

He is always talking about suicide but this is him being serious I think. He is about to lose his job and house (unrelated issues) & says he is just tired and wants to give up. Is on meds etc.

Wtf do I do? I don't have his family's numbers or anything. Does anyone have any advice ?!?!? Honestly I don't know anyone can advise, but I feel really ... Confused about what to do?!?!?

I want to remain mentally detatched for person reasons. Sorry if that is harsh .... I just can't deal with him. I want him to get expert help.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 29/06/2019 02:00

I think the only possible action you can take is to tell HR who might have procedures in place to help suicidal employees, but this also has the possibility of making things worse.

Unfortunately if he is an adult with mental capacity then he is capable of making his own choices, even if they are dangerous. Letting him know of places where he can get help is the only thing you can do.

Keeping yourself safe by not getting too involved is a good thing.

Hefzi · 29/06/2019 02:10

Honestly, if you think he's planning, rather than "just" would rather be dead, I'd call the police and ask for a welfare check.

He's put a horrible burden on you, in all honesty, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Having the police check might give him a wake-up call and/or get him the help he needs, if he won't call the CMHT/Samaritans/A and E

I am giving this advice as someone who has previously made several serious but unsuccessful suicide attempts. One was dumb luck it was unsuccessful; two were unsuccessful because of intervention by strangers. In each case, I was committed to dying, and hadn't discussed this with anyone - so based on my very unrepresentative sample of 1, I wonder if he's told you because, at some subliminal level, he wants you to get him help - even if he'll subsequently be angry/irritated with you for doing so.

He's obviously not in a place where he can feel compassion for others, but it's putting a hell of a burden on anyone, especially someone who is not particularly close, to give them this info. In your situation, given that he's refusing to seek help (or is unable to - more to the point) I would personally contact the police and explain that you are concerned for his well-being, that he seems suicidal but unable to access help for himself, and ask them to welfare check him.

I'm saying police and not ambulance as it's easier for him to get rid of an ambulance, and the police can call one if they feel it to be necessary.

I would also - gently, and once this crisis is past - explain to him that, whilst you feel for him, you will have to disengage, whether from him completely, or from these kind of conversations, as you are not able to take on responsibility for his welfare over this, and it's causing you other issues as a result. It can be incredibly emotionally draining dealing with someone who is suicidal, in these kind of situations where you are being pushed to take a role that isn't appropriate - and you can frame it as not having the skills/if you do have the skills, ethical issues about having a therapeutic relationship with a colleague etc. I know other posters might say I'm being harsh or unsympathetic (which is why I added my personal experience above) but the bottom line is that depression is a selfish illness that leaves you with no energy to look outside your self in any meaningful way. And although the effects are different, that makes it pretty ghastly for someone else to support you, as frankly, you don't even recognise the pain and effort it involves when you are as ill as he sounds right now. And you need to look after yourself in this process too - particularly in these circumstances. Sorry you are dealing with this Flowers

Hefzi · 29/06/2019 02:13

Oh, and I second PP about letting HR know on Monday - I know he's asked you not to, but I think his safety and your protection over-rule that wish.

DocusDiplo · 29/06/2019 10:00

Thanks all.
There is no other option is there.
Emailed work about it. So tragic. I don't care if he never speaks to me again, I can't just sit on this information.
Sigh.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstDay · 29/06/2019 10:03

Do you know who prescribes his meds? His GP or is he already under a community mental health team with a psychiatrist?

Fibbke · 29/06/2019 10:04

You've done the right thing. Far too much of a burden. Detach .

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