Domestic violence advice

[lylole]

Which is the best forum to ask for advice?

Women's Aid are good for advice

Thank you Moo.

On here also

Ok here it is...I've posted in relationships too - sorry if that is bad forum etiquette.

I am asking on behalf of a friend.

My friend, who lives outside the UK, has returned home to discover that her BIL has been physically and mentally abusing their MIL, he has had long term mental health problems but he seems to have seriously deteriorated - they had no idea as MIL said nothing. When they realised and it didn't take long they removed her from the home on the pretence of wanting to spend time with their dcs in their hotel room, but on returning back the next day things escalated quite badly and the Police were called - he was arrested and spent the day in jail.

The MIL and my friend are now staying in a hotel room, they are in contact with social service to arrange care - MIL is partially sighted and can’t live independently, she is incredibly frail and vulnerable, but things are moving slowly.

BIL has been sending incredibly aggressive emails - accusing my friend of ruining his life, taking away the only person he cares about - lots of burning in hell - extreme religious cult like views. Friend is scared that he knows where they live outside the UK - they are scared for their lives

I don’t know if anyone can help - we’re all out of our depth - it’s 5 days since this started and his anger is still poker hot, he’s determined to find his mother - they cannot easily stay in the UK beyond their planned holiday…. but they can’t leave her either.

The biggest fear at the moment is that he finds his mother and he travels to my friend’s country to seek revenge - they have asked Social service to help the BIL but they are not convinced he is ill enough to be sectioned.

It sounds as though he may need to be sectioned. You need to speak to a Doctor, you can call Mind, or call your local casualty and ask to speak to the duty psychiatrist. Or you can call the police ?

Sorry I cross posted, I hadn’t read your last line. He sounds ill enough to me to be sectioned, the religious mania etc. Your friend needs to keep her mother in law safe, call her GP , and call age concern tomorrow.

Thinking we need to give her a fake name or a code name or something at the care home, as he could call around all the homes asking to speak to her. He won't go to see his doctor - he thinks they have no idea what they are talking about. Even though he has been really awful - they are very concerned that he has become so ill, they don't wish him any ill - they just want everyone safe.

Did the police not signpost to any support? Does google throw anything up? It may be hard to help without knowing where they are.

They are in England - I can't say anymore than that.

Police just spoke to social services about MIL but that was it.

Your mil can apply for both a non-molestation order (so bil can’t contact her) and an Occupation order (to remove him from the home if it is hers).

The police should have sign posted her to a local domestic abuse service to access support. If they haven’t give them a call to chase this.

Did they complete a DASH with her? It’s a list of questions to assess her risk.

you can also give women’s aid, the National domestic abuse help line or ncdv a call.

Thanks wedon't

Some questions - what is a DASH and who should have done this - is it possible that social services did this?
If they sought a non-molestation order or/and an Occupation order is it possible to have these revoked if he took treatment for his mental health problems and recovered sufficiently to not be a threat?

Treatment is likely to be a long haul though, not a swift solution. If they are frightened for their lives then surely he is extremely dangerous ?

He is dangerous at the moment - they have never seen him so ill but they don’t feel comfortable setting up a legal situation that permanently excludes their brother from seeing his mother. I think they are feeling very conflicted - they feel their brother is vulnerable too and would really like to support him in his recovery. They believe he is behaving like this because he is ill and not because he is an awful person.

A DASH is a risk assessment, it asks things such as “are you frightened”, “did the incident cause injury”, “is the behaviour escalating”. The police should have done it but they don’t always.
If it’s done and you MIL scores highly enough on it she would be referred to a mult-agency meeting. It essentially opens up a lot more professional support.

Yes, both orders can be removed if your mil changed her mi d but I would say that if the abuse is down to bils mh that’s not going to be “fixed” overnight and there’s still likely to be good and bad patches.

I’m keeping everything crossed for you and the family x