Separating these kids - what should I do?

[Octonautsoctopod]

This might be a long one! I’ll try and make it as concise as possible.

So my 6-yr-old DD - who I’ll call Anna - has two friends who I’ll call Bea and Clare.

Since making friends with Bea and Clare at the start of Year 1 (we were somewhere else before), Anna has constantly been in trouble for fighting, being silly, throwing things, messing around, not listening, etc etc. It’s Thursday today and every day this week I’ve either had a phone call from the deputy head or the teacher has pulled me aside.

And every time, when I’ve asked Anna about it, she blames Bea and Clare (and I have no idea what the truth is).

To be honest, Bea is not a very nice girl (I want to believe she’ll change! I like her family a lot). She’s kind of a bully - even though I’m reluctant to call a 6-yr-old a bully, especially not one whose family I am so fond of. But I take her after school once a week and I have seen her do and say a lot of mean things to other children when she thinks I’m not watching (as soon as she sees me she looks guilty and pretends nothing is happening and when I call her up on it she denies, denies, denies).

Anna became friends with Bea because my DH and Bea’s dad are childhood friends. Initially, we were so happy that Anna and Bea would be at school together when we moved back to the area. But now I wish I could separate them.

Bea’s mother knows that Bea is dominant and bosses Anna and Clare around a lot, but Clare also has a very dominant personality. Bea and Clare have physical scraps quite often. And I have seen them both physically and emotionally dominate Anna. Bea’s mother has also, and tells Bea off when she sees this, and tells me how embarrassed she is and how sad she is to see her daughter behave that way.

Anna is a very, very shy and introverted girl. I can’t understand why she’s attracted to these two children. I think it’s because she knows Bea through a family connection and has been too shy to make other friends and has sort of attached herself to her. She thinks they’re her best friends. I’m pretty keen to get her away from them!

I’m honestly considering moving her out of the school! (To a private school - despite my ideology.) Anna has gone from a happy, bright child to a withdrawn, cross and angry child within the space of this school year.

I am aware that she may not be the perfect angel in this, and could actually part of the problem, but I am at a loss what to do... she’s clearly unhappy and constantly in trouble. I have already decided I won’t take Bea after school anymore, but that won’t stop the girls’ friendship because of school.

What should I do? I need some advice! (I also plan to talk to the school.)

Anyone? I think my original post is probably a bit long!

Friendship groups do tend to chop and change quite a bit in the first few years so it may not be necessary to change your daughter.

Bea and Claire having physical fights as 6 years old is unusual to be honest so I think you’re right to be worried. Equally you describe your child as shy but super shy children don’t tend to get into trouble on the scale you are talking about.

Have your thought about signing your DD up to a few after school clubs to see if she can’t expand her friendship group. You could chat to the teacher and she could also separate them a little.

A good idea I think to stop taking Bea after school

Tricky. We had an issue in DD's class where Bea's mum banned her from playing with Clare. The whole thing has exploded. Huge animosity between the two especially as they can't be separated at school and it's dragged the others in.

I'd go against what you decided, purely because Bea's mum is on the same wavelength as you (if she ignored the behaviour, I'd run!). 6 is still so young. I think we expect so much of them sometimes we forget that they are little kids who need to learn. You obviously have a good relationship with the family, so pull her up on it every time. Do you think that was kind? No? Then apologise. Model how to deal with situations.

All the telling offs in the world will make little difference if she has no idea how else to react/behave.

There's no harm in mentioning it to the teacher, trying to get your DD to widen her friendship circle. Depends how many are in the class (only 5 girls in my DD's hence the repercussions are felt by all) as to how you can deal with it. You might find it happens naturally once she's not the new kid any more and a bit more settled.

Stop having Bea after school, speak to the teacher about whether it would be possible to pair her up with some other dc, start inviting different dc over to play. Maybe have a chat or read some books about being a good friend, and point out things that you have seen that make you think B and C are not being good friends.

Yeah I’ve been wondering about that. Being super shy and introverted doesn’t track with all the trouble she’s in. She blames the other two, and I don’t know what’s happening.

She’s so shy that she won’t go into a party (formally school, playgroup) unless her best friend is there (who is now Bea but used to be a little girl who was very similar to DD). And even then, she spends most the party glued to my leg.

She’s happiest when she’s at home, playing with the dog, crafting and reading / listening to stories. Always has been.

I’m so worried for her and also really confused. She seems to like these girls so much!

FloorOfDespair Crikey! To be honest, I’m a bit worried about the animosity. Especially since Bea’s parents are our friends.

I don’t know how school could stop them from playing anyway, because how can they?

I like the idea of after school clubs to help Anna find new friends. She’s not great at talking about her feelings and is hyper defensive and quick to burst into tears when I ask her about what happens at school (the getting into trouble).

After school clubs could help. But not at break times!

Have you tried the whole "what would you change if you were the teacher?" rather than direct questioning?

My DD also indulges in the over dramatic everyone hates me I'm so useless when she gets told off. But it's a defence thing so she tries to get sympathy rather than face what needs to be faced. We have the whole " I know you're still learning, so let's talk so you can do better next time." It could be that your Dd needs you to give her some example sentences of how to say no. Being silly can be because they want to make friends and because the other kids laugh, they think it works. Trying for acceptance rather than deliberately trying to annoy the teacher or disrupt the class.

Ime you need to bring a forth dc into the mix. Definitely.

Or give her some toys and ask her to show you what happens at school rather than asking her?

What was the best thing that happens at school? What was the worst?

Would it be possible to ask if Anna can be moved into different class next year, so that she is separated from Be a and Clare during lessons?
When the teacher calls you in, who does she blame for whatever has gone on? Does she also speak to Bea and Clare's parents, or just you?

one-on-one play dates with other kids, to try and widen Anna's social circle. Maybe if she has more attractive options she won't stick with B&C so much?

Thank you for these! I have started looking into after school clubs from September. I’m also wondering about some holiday camps (a day or so) where Bea and Clare won’t be, so she can make some new friends. (She finds this sort of thing excruciating, though!)

I’m going to invite a few other kids from the class one-by-one over for play dates, too. I’m feeling geared up!

I can’t ask to move Anna to another class, sadly. The school is one form entry. The teacher did imply that they would be separated if they could be.

Bumped into Bea’s mum this afternoon and she was asking about having Anna over next weekend etc etc. They are such a nice family, it’s a real shame. I think it’s probably rare to find two natural, harmonious kid friendships where the mums are also natural, harmonious friends?! Damn!!

I think it's worth having a chat with the teacher, if only to ask that the children are mixed up on class trips or class projects.....some teachers do this anyway but some do put friends together, which can sometimes cause the friendships to get too intense.

Surely the teacher will also have some insight on whether Anna is being led into playing up by the others or whether she is doing it herself... Maybe to impress the other girls?