DH’s 40th plans - am I making a mistake?

[SinkGirl]

It’s DH’s 40th in a month or so. We have two year old twins with ASD and no one to look after them, they go to nursery three mornings a week. We’ve been out for dinner twice since they were born, and my sister had to come and stay with us for that.

We used to go all out for birthdays before kids. For our 30th, I threw him a surprise party at a swanky London venue and gathered everyone he cared about, people he hadn’t seen for years, old friends etc - it was pretty epic. For mine we went to New York.

Eating out is our favourite thing but there’s nothing really special very nearby. We have no one to watch the boys, and the nearest decent restaurant (not Michelin starred or anything but good enough) is a 45 minute drive. He then wouldn’t be able to have a drink (I can’t drive and a taxi would cost a small fortune), and we’d be worried about the boys with a stranger if we hired a babysitter.

We have the boys on his birthday so we can have a family day out. The day after his birthday I’ve managed to get nursery to have the boys from 8-6 as a one off. There’s a very good restaurant in a lovely hotel I really wanted to take him to for dinner but it’s an hour’s drive, so I figured we could go for lunch while they’re at nursery but didn’t know what to do for the rest of the day.

They have a very posh spa and I’m looking at booking a spa day - head there, have breakfast, a couple of short treatments, lunch in the awesome restaurant then a few hours in the spa before heading home.

He’s never been to a spa before and I’m worried he’s going to think I’m mad. I think he would really benefit from the relaxation (life is very tough with two disabled toddlers!) and enjoy it but what if he hates it?

In an ideal world we’d get one of their packages for dinner, spa and an overnight stay but my sister can’t come and stay to watch the boys so it’s not going to happen. This is the best I can think of.

I really want him to enjoy it - am I crazy? I can’t think of anything else we can do that’s fancy enough for a special occasion, fits into a day time when they’re at nursery and that he will enjoy.

I’ve got an awesome gift in the works that I’m sure he will love (been planning for months) so that’s sorted.

I thought maybe you’d book into the hotel for some uninterrupted nookie and an afternoon nap!

Maybe try and subtly ask him if he’d ever consider a spa. Some people love them, some hate them.

If he doesn’t seem keen, then I’d book into the hotel for the daytime and just relax baby-free.

Can you have a conversation with him about spa days in general. Either along the lines of it's something you would like to do and would he come with you if you did. Or talk about a friend is organising it for her husband (or having a spa day whilst on holiday) and see if he gives any hints if it is something he thinks is a good idea - try not to actually ask him the question though as that might be a bit obvious.

I went to a spa with my OH recently for my birthday. I had a pregnancy package (nails, facial and massage), he had a facial and a massage. We both felt amazing after.

If you and the boys are confident with the staff at nursery (and if you could afford it, which is a big if) you might find that one of the nursery staff would be willing to babysit overnight for you. I know this would be an enormous cost, but you could consider it for a one off.

Most of the staff at DD's nursery do babysitting to earn extra money and there are 2 or 3 of them that I'd feel very happy leaving DD with, having said that I have no experience of ASD so I'm aware my suggestion may be ridiculous!

Absolutely as BlackCat says!! Why don’t you book a treatment each eg head massage or couples massage in the morning to relax, then amazing lunch with alcohol, post prandial sex, nap, sex again, then go pick up your kids thoroughly blissed out?

Also, ignore if not possible, but could you ask one of the nursery key workers if You could pay them to bring your kids home / put them to bed?

I know my DH would prefer me to ask him what he'd like (or general description, or - what he would really not like even if other things were in the surprise category). He might say something you'd not have hit upon but be really happy to be able to do.

I'm in a fairly similar position to you OP and have the same problem! I think I agree with a PP about putting it to him. I know you'd like to surprise him but your life has changed immeasurably and what's most important (more important than the surprise element) is that he does something that he enjoys as, like you say, neither of you get the chance for a break/adult time nowadays. I feel your pain!

I’ve tried having vague conversations with him about what he would like to do, if he has any ideas of what it might be - he doesn’t, and just says “we don’t have to do anything”. Yes we do, it’s your bloody 40th! I’ve wracked my brains, asked local friends etc - I can’t think of anything to do that’s special, local, etc. We live in a beautiful place but it’s pretty dull!

He works from home so we can have sex there when the boys are at nursery for free 😂 Seriously though, we wouldn’t even be able to check in most of the day so not feasible.

I’ve asked at nursery and one I trust and knows my boys well enough may be able to babysit at some point but not on this occasion sadly.

If we don’t do this, I don’t know what else to do - surely even if he sits in the hot tub for hours it’s better than just going to the cinema (which we do the only times we’ve ever left the the boys in nursery a bit longer and we are doing next week for my birthday) or walking on the beach etc. There’s a lovely island in the harbour we could go to, but there’s nothing to do when we are there. We could go on a boat trip but if the weathers bad that could get cancelled. I don’t know, I’m out of ideas!

So I’ve found I can charter a nice boat for half a day for the same price as the spa day. Do you think that’s a safer bet? I’m just worried about the weather. We could get the boat to take us on a cruise and then drop us in an area that has a couple of really nice restaurants and then make our own way back (there’s a little ferry but it’s not fancy 😂).

I’m making enquiries but not sure of the best plan at this point!

The boat idea sounds lovely!

We have 2 DC, one with ASD.

For my husband's 40th earlier this year we had a lovely lunch out. He then had a weekend away with his friends to celebrate 'properly'. He got to relax properly without the stress of leaving DC. I appreciate that might not work for you though

Thinking back though, we have had lovely times at spa hotels, using the pool etc. We stayed overnight (pre DC) but would happily do the same now just for the day.

My DH isn't remotely into spas or treatments but loved the pool, jaccuzi, sauna etc.

The boat idea sounds better.

My DH would hate a spa!

Boat sounds nice.
Dh and I would love a walk to a fab gastro pub.

My dh would probably think the spa was booked for my benefit, but he wouldn't mind as he's lovely. Boat trip sounds good. Check cancellation policy 're weather. Posh picnic on a beach?

I'd love the boat hire.

How about a private chef to cook dinner when the children are in bed?

No no no to the boat. Yes to the spa you are both knackered and deserve a restful day with a DELICIOUS lunch. For what it’s worth for my DH’s 40th I took him to Silverstone for a day of driving fast cars. He loved it. But we did not have toddler twins, just a 1 year old!

Book him a massage. Everybody loves a massage.

Honestly, it's just a number. You are putting too much pressure on the situation. You're parents with twins who have special needs. There's really no need to go all out.

I think the lunch sounds lovely and that along with some cake and a nice dinner at home with the kids would be pretty much most people's ideal birthday.

My advice is to talk to him. Tell him you are planning a nice lunch at the restaurant and ask if he'd like to try the spa when he's there.

Yes, that's boring and sensible but sometimes it's nicer that way.

I would go for the spa. My DH was very non pluses about the idea of gong to a spa but went with me for a day as a treat for me and he absolutely loved it. Maybe book a hotel room too so you have somewhere to go if the mood takes you. Spas can be very relaxing!!!

That’s it - I think at least there’s a nice hot tub and a beautiful forest view, if nothing else that has to be a nice way to spend time!

The logistics of the other plan are just too complicated and too dependent on weather, traffic etc, and if there’s an emergency at nursery it would be more difficult to get back. So I think we will do the spa and fancy lunch - he might initially think it’s an odd choice but knowing him I am sure he will have an awesome time. His best friend went on a spa weekend a while ago and raved about it afterwards so hopefully in his head it’s a good thing to do.

I know it’s just a number but obviously (and rightly) our own needs haven’t just taken a back seat, they’ve been 20 cars back in a traffic jam for the last few years. I just want to do something special for him. It doesn’t help that we went to BIL’s 40th last month which was private dining at one of the best restaurants in the country and it was absolutely amazing!

I can arrange for us to go to London one weekend and for my sister to babysit while we go for dinner somewhere posh, but won’t be for a little while.

You know your husband best.

Mine would hate the spa!

DH loves a spa day more that I do, luckily.

I'd book that

Those plans sound good OP, am sure he’ll appreciate the effort, hope you have a great time.