Feeling so down :( what I thought was just a quirky personality might be Aspergers.

[JudyOha]

Feeling so down :( what I thought was just a quirky personality might be Aspergers.

I've always felt different to other people and I'm very much detailed, a total planner, anxious, analytical, a perfectionist and had difficulties making friends with other women, fairly impulsive in social interactions, over-share information, very academic, very good vocabulary, messy, etc .. I just thought I was on one end of the neurotypical (just a little odd.. after all, no one is perfectly normal nor liked by everyone) but now reading aspergers trait info online, I identify somewhat with every trait described on various websites :(

I knew what autism was and I never identified with it but I do with aspergers.. I can't believe what I thought is a quirky personality is in fact a medical disorder.

I don't think I have it severely as it's not like I'm eating the same thing 7 days a week and I have been able to get through exams, have university degrees, able to keep a job, etc.

By the way, this is in no way intended to be criticism/jibe at people who have aspergers (just like when someone e.g. is upset about having a broken leg, doesn't mean they're trying to discriminate against those who have broken legs).

Does anyone know of any audiobooks etc. to try and learn "neurotypical" social interaction (I know it's probably very difficult to learn for a potential asperger but if people can learn rocket science, various languages etc. I'm sure it's worth trying.

Autism isn't a medical problem it's a neurological difference and if you do have it then it's not about learning to fit in with others but learning to manage your environment to suit you.

I'm going through the autism assessment process right now, but see it very differently. I see it as an explanation of my differences, rather than a disorder, a way of making sense of who I am and a framework for me to put resources in place to help me.

I have learned communication skills, a lot of it has been formal training in a work environment. Simple things like body language which don't come naturally to me. I also spend loads of time observing how others communicate and trying to work out the rules.

There have been improvements, but I still don't get things like small talk and I know my quietness and awkwardness there makes others uncomfortable.

I've heard of social scripting but never used it.

I think there also has to be a degree of acceptance of your differences. You are never going to be a social butterfly, and will continue to hate certain types of situation. Knowing when to try to adapt and when not to try to fit in to make others happy makes a difference.

My husband was recently diagnosed with this and, after the initial shock, he found it quite helpful. It was like all the pieces of his previous life suddenly fitted together and he knew why certain things had happened.
He's done alot of research and now finds happiness in playing to his strengths and finally being at peace and not trying to be someone he isn't.
I love him for his quirks and I am more a big picture person (not detail) so we've come to realise what our strengths and weaknesses are, and it's made us a real winning team.
Don't feel you have to change!

Or what gingerkitty said!

QUirky to me just means notable difference to average, some positive some negative that on the whole works well. Aspergers to me sounds the same, only it’s given a name because there is a pattern and it’s quite normal. Not sure why you are happy with quirky but not with aspergers. You haven’t changed. You are not any different to what you thought you are, you have just acquired a label that you can ignore if it’s not helpful?

You’re still the same person you were last week. You say you thought you were at one end of NT - you don’t fall off the edge, you are just on a slightly different spot on the same line. Try to think of it as something that might be able to help you in the future - strategies and plans to make life easier.

I was diagnosed Autistic last year. I am also Dyspraxic and very very hyper mobile! Aspergers diagnosis isn’t really used these days though for people diagnosed before the diagnostic criteria changed it still stands. I have excellent qualifications and what I think many people would consider a challenging and demanding career. I’m married and have a busy family life. I am also very autistic! Finding out was hard at the time but also something of a relief. All my sensory processing difficulties make sense as does my crushing social anxiety and very overactive mind. There are some amazing books out there written by Autistic women for other Autistic women. I have found the whole thing very empowering and no longer try to fit myself into a neurotypical world. If I’d known as a child or teen I’d have potentially not ended up with an eating disorder and a long history of depression and anxiety. I hope you come to a position of peace, whatever the label.

Try seeing the positives.

Quirky is a positive as is being autistic. For us it was very much, changes nothing means everything and as someone else said, you are still the same person but with a better understanding of who you are.

There are also so many support avenues once diagnosed, you can get as much support as you want or need.

My twins have both been diagnosed with ASD in the last six months (they’re 2.5) and I’m starting to think it’s very likely I am autistic too. Fundamentally very different to my kids though as it’s never stopped me academically or in my career or relationships.

You’re still the same as you’ve always been - if you don’t want an official label you don’t need to pursue one. At present I’ve decided not to, I don’t think it would benefit me particularly.

Labels are hard sometimes; remember, if you do get diagnosed you are still the exact same person you have always been. You will not have changed.

If I’d known as a child or teen I’d have potentially not ended up with an eating disorder and a long history of depression and anxiety.

hi cat
I do hope you don't mind me asking - how would it have made a difference knowing do you think? Also how could your parents have helped you wrt the anxiety looking back?
Finally, how did the dyspraxia manifest? When were you able to hold a pen and print letters, do you recall? What do you put down to your success at school?
(sorry for the hijack OP, you are still you, lovely )

OP, in time, if you are diagnosed, the diagnosis will help. As a friend said to me when DS was diagnosed, he's still exactly the same person he was before the diagnosis. And this is true for you too. You are still quirky, intelligent, talkative. These are personality traits, regardless of whether they are prompted by Asperbergers.
And Aspbergers truly isn't a disorder. That word is not helpful. It's just a way of processing the world that isn't neurotypical.

If you want advice on being neurotypical, maybe read up on emotional intelligence. DS2 has ASD and he's by far the most emotionally intelligent and kind and sensitive person in our family. He's the leats likely to talk over someone else, the most likely to ask how your day was or pick up if someone's feeling down. He may have 'learned ' how to work all this out and not known it intuitively but it's not synthetic.

My DH, my DS and my closest friend all have Aspbergers. I find them the kindest, most honest, highly intelligent and funny people I've ever met.

Following because this is a lovely thread and my lovely DS1 may or may not be on the spectrum. At the moment I'm thinking not but I absolutely love all the positivity on this thread.

No advice sorry OP other than PP - you are still the exact same person you were before. I've never ever thought I was on the spectrum but now that we are considering whether DS is I have to admit to wondering. I think we all are in some way.

Hi sorry OP for the divert!
@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine I have so much more self acceptance now and I understand my self so much better. Growing up I was just this ball of hideous all consuming anxiety with no way of understanding myself, my thought patterns or that not everyone perceived the word in the way I did. I had huge perfectionist tendencies and one of the ways that manifested was eating disorders. Autism in girls was not a thing when I was a child or teen so I have no resentment towards my parents.
My Dyspraxia is quite severe and I used makaton as a child. I typed at school and had a statement.
I put my academic success down to being determined to do well. It serves me well at work too. Failure isn’t really an option! It is only now as an adult woman in my 30s that I can be more forgiving of myself (sometimes!)

I’m not sure I would trust an online self-diagnoses. You need someone qualified to do that, if you want one. Of course, you don’t have to get one, or if you did and you do have Asperger’s, you can choose not to use the label if it is not helpful. You don’t have to explain or use any label for yourself if you do not want to. You can just get on and be yourself.

Feel the same op.
Had shite upbringing so put all my ..issues ..down to that.
2 kids with a diagnosis later ,I know I’ve got it .i go for days trying not to think about it .
I feel immense anger no one gave a fuck about me as a child to take me to a dr and find out what was wrong.parents were to busy playing at scoring points to notice .
I don’t want it.i wish I could rip it out

High functioning autism = Aspergers in U.K. Aspergers isn’t used as a term anymore here but it means the same thing.

They don’t use high functioning any more either for new diagnoses.

Hi OP your description of yourself could as easily fit someone NT as someone neurodiverse. There is no magic test for ASD, it is a conclusion reached by looking at a number of areas, including family history because ASD frequently has a strong genetic component. Even then it is not an absolute and no two people with ASD are the same.

Even if you have ASD, does it matter? Why would it make you a. different person?

I tick all the boxes you use to describe yourself in spades. On most tests I come out as a fairly introverted NT though I have a DS with ASD so I may have ASD too, (although his dad and members of his dad's family are definitely not NT).

However, I don't see it as a problem either for my DS or for me and TBH I don't care too much about a diagnosis for me either. You seem to see a diagnosis as meaning you are somehow diminished, but I'd argue it would be a very dull world if we were all the same and we are all people and we are all different.

I have always said to my DS that humanity does not progress through the ordinary, but through the extraordinary: the artists and architects who look at things a different way, the creative problem solvers, the people who become so obsessed with one thing, whether it be computers, numbers or patterns, way beyond the norm, that this leads to leaps of discovery. Any neurotypical bugger can plod along doing the same as everyone else, but that is not where innovation comes from. We are all different and that is a good thing.

My DS is quite a quiet, anxious person who attended a special school and who struggles out in the world,, but he is an imaginative fantasy artist with a genuine ability to think in 3D and remember the locations of things in minute detail (I always tell him he needs to be an air traffic controller - he says he would hate the responsibility) and is the kindest and in many ways the most empathetic of my DC. Not necessarily what most people think of as someone with ASD.

Sometimes genetics stir things up; we can't all be geniuses, but our differences are valuable and many of the traits you describe make you sound very interesting - I'd like to be your friend!

If you genuinely want some guidance on social interactions then yes, they absolutely are learned behaviour. I'd recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People, dated but detailed and useful, and any of a number of books by Leil Lowndes.

Sorry, that was long!

Feelingwalkedover I'm so sorry you feel that way and sorry about your upbringing. My sister was only diagnosed with autism last year as an adult even though (with benefit of hindsight) the signs were all clearly there when she was a kid and with two medical professionals as parents! Very loving home but was just missed off the radar. I sometimes wonder if she ever feels angry about it but she just seems so happy and relaxed now she has her diagnosis and an explanation for all her quirks.

Op, if it's any consolation my sister is one of the kindest, loveliest, emotionally intelligent people I know. She will never interact in a totally neurotypical way I guess but I wouldn't want to change anything about her. She's pretty happy and has lots of amazing friends (she has a better social life than me tbh).

Sorry, I wasn’t referring to diagnosis, more toward resources / books. They don’t use that term in diagnosis mainly because it’s limiting to the patient and most people get diagnosed once. So being labelled “high-functioning” at 5 years, may limit the type of care you might be able access at 15.

I know those terms aren't used any more (though they still seem happy enough to overuse the word disorder which I think is horribly loaded, as if we should all fit into some norm. But I think the terms are really useful - Aspbergers and HFA. Because the spectrum is immensely diverse. There are autistic children who can't communicate at all, who stim and tantrum and are locked in, and then there are people who have degrees and hold down jobs but wonder why they struggle socially. I think it's helpful to have differentiation of terminology within these extremes.

It's interesting how many of us have said that the autistic person in the family is the most empathetic. There are so many myths around autism and lack of empathy is definitely one!

I think that although they don’t use those terms any more there’s a huge distinction to be made between what’s traditionally seen as high functioning and low functioning.

For my boys, being autistic is not a positive - it’s a disability. They can’t talk, can’t understand words, no interest in other people or each other, severe delays, no danger awareness etc

If I’m autistic, some aspects have been positive, some negative - just like an NT’s person’s traits, and I’m sure the same is true for you. It’s not debilitating for me.

I’m another who was diagnosed as an adult, I was diagnosed at 34 after I recognised myself in the Tania Marshall description and asked my GP to refer me. Life is definitely better for me now I’m diagnosed. I understand myself better. I’m kinder to myself because I understand I have more limitations than most people (I frequently pushed myself to do as much as others and then burned out!). I get more support at work because I have a diagnosed disability. I’ve also declared it in stressful situations like airports and at concerts so that I can get additional support and queue jump where appropriate which helps massively. So essentially, while knowing I’m autistic hasn’t really changed me, it’s made a huge difference to me.