Friend won’t get pregnant because she’s scared to put on weight

[ChocolateCakeTime]

More of a work colleague than a friend. Late 30s, not very good relationship with her family (I think this matters) but ok one with her ILs it seems.

Recently at a works function she admitted (after drinks) that she longs for a baby but doesn’t want to get pregnant because she’ll put on weight.

Is this a thing? I mean is there help for her somehow? Doctors? Mental Health services?

She had bulimia for many years apparently and couldn’t get pregnant when she first got married probably because she was underweight. Recently she had put on weight, probably slightly overweight now for her height, she’s tiny, and she says it’s because she stopped making herself sick to try and get pregnant. But now she’s stopped trying because she’s scared of getting any bigger, especially as her mother is telling her she is fat. 😕

(I think her mothers is the reason she was bulimic in the first place. She seems obsessed with weight.)

I don’t know her that well but how can I help?

You can't. Back off.

Your ability to do anything is limited to encouraging her to seek out counselling for her feelings, but unless she's very unwell currently (and it doesn't sound like she is) she will probably have to pay for it.

She's an adult; it might not be the decision you'd make, but if she decides she wants to not put on weight more than she wants to be pregnant, that is her choice. Be careful with your own boundaries here; it's not a good idea to get enmeshed in a work colleague's issues and try to solve them for her.

She needs counselling for the ED if she's not already.
Having children doesn't mean you have to put on weight, apart from when you are pregnant. I can't think of anyone of my aquaintances who put on weight other than temporarily after childbearing.

Sounds like she needs some counselling and help with her eating disorder and to go NC with her mother.

But that's her business not yours so I think you just need to file it under "sad things I can do nothing about" and move on

Actually I do know people who put on weight before the birth and kept it. All men.

Well I didn’t want to put on weight and can understand being worried about it but not to the extent that it stopped me from having children.

I just made sure that I didn’t gain too much when I was pregnant and then afterwards made damn sure I got back into shape within a reasonable time.

I did get back into shape very quickly after my first, my son, as I didn’t put on much weight at all so it was very easy.

However I did put on more weight when I had my second, my daughter as I seemed to carry her different and definitely put on a little more weight whilst pregnant with her.

But I could say the same about going on holiday and Christmas, as I could put on weight! You just get over it and lose it if you are really determined or you decide that it’s not that important after all. To me it is.

She sounds like she has a fear bordering on a phobia of gaining weight so I would not push her on it and just hope she gets some counselling rather than miss her chance of being a mother.

Thank you all. Firstly sorry for my username. I name changed for this and didn’t think. It’s not appropriate, sorry.

Secondly, I am surprised that you suggest thee is nothing I can do. I thought my colleague confided in me for a reason, that she wanted me to help. Maybe not. I’ll not mention it to her unless she does again.

Thanks again.

I think this is fairly common and know men and women who have said the same, who obviously have some element of body confidence issue but not necessarily eating disorders (one for example is a fitness fanatic but doesn’t seem to have any particular food issue) so I don’t think it’s actually as serious or shocking as you do.
Again, I don’t see what you can do- and anyway people change all the time. In a year or two she might think differently

In a year or two she might think differently

She’ll be 40 then. This is why I think she is having a little panic now, she knows the risks of waiting.

I weighed the same a few days after giving birth as I did before pregnancy, I gained about 20 pounds in pregnancy. You can gain weight just as easily by overdoing it on eating out or drinking alcohol as you can in pregnancy. Pregnancy needn't make you gain much weight (after delivery).