Hold my hand through challenging times

[Lifepanic1234]

Regular poster - NC.

Things are not going well for us at the moment. I lost my job last year through redundancy (whole department was made redundant) and was only able to find temporary employment although I am well qualified and have much experience. I suspect the fact I'll be 51 this year does not help.

My temporary contract is about to finish in a few months and I have literally nothing on the horizon. There are also other difficulties of which I am unable to speak at the moment - I am just not ready for full disclosure, even in an internet forum.

I work in a difficult industry. In theory it provides 'nice' jobs that are well sough-after (in one case I got a job over 150 applicants who applied), in reality an industry that has been destroyed by cuts, it is more and more insecure and cut throat as time goes by.

I feel scared and broken. My anxiety and fear are over the roof. I am overeating in panic. I have a history of depression. I am finding it really hard at the moment.

We have decided selling our house (our much loved family home - 4 years to go on the mortgage...) and buying a smaller house without a mortgage to offset expenses.

My DH is in full time employment with an ok wage. DC1 at university and DC2 year before GCSE. We can probably just survive in a smaller house with one wage. But that would be it, surviving. And I do want to work. I have always worked, even when the kids were small.

I think the problem is that I feel so exhausted by the whole thing and not sure I want to stay in a professional world that is so competitive. I have thin skin and dream of a simpler life. I am thinking of packing it all in and getting a simpler job. Would it even be possible with my (relatively) high-flyer CV? And at my age?

Don't get me wrong, I am brave and resilient. I battled depression, I achieved much professionally and started a new life thousands of miles away from my home town. But I seem to have lost my 'sparkle' and lost my 'brave'.

I thought I would post here to get me out of this rut, to help me get a grip with my life and found some courage to get on. Hold my hand when I go through this. It would be great to hear from others facing adversity and others who have overcome adversity. There is a real person on the other side of the screen - please be kind.

Your sparkle and brave are still there, they are just buried a little deeper than usual but it doesn't mean they will never be back. I have just taken a huge leap out of secure, paid employment into the world of foster caring. I may not be as financially ok as I was three months ago but I have become me again if that makes sense. I am slightly older than you, I am almost 56 but I think we still have so much to give and so much to do, don't write yourself off, use your life experiences to your advantage. They do say it is always darkest before the dawn and it is true but it sure is scary waiting for the sun to rise!

Thank you so so much for replying and giving me hope. Your reply made me cry, that's how in pieces I am now! Thank you also for not suggesting antidepressants! :)

I am also glad to hear that you are finding you again - this is what worries me most, that this is changing me. I was away at a family event and instead and I have noticed that I have become angry and sad.

Why would we not be kind . You’re just like us wading through the treacle of life.
I’m staring 68 in the face ...eeek and life has had ( too) many downs and thankfully a lot of ups.

Sadly that’s life and as me and my husband age and not in the most robust of health ..we struggle..but hey that’s us and I just want to say you feel like you’re in the shit right now and I applaud your decision to move out and simplify life.

If that makes it easier for you then do it. If you think a simpler job will bring back the quality of your life ..then go for it. Life is too short to be continually stressed. It will just make you ill in the long run.
So have a good chat to your sympathetic husband and make a plan.

I find when I’m dithering about what to do is the worst time, once we decide upon a course and set sail things simplify.

So if you feel a move is on the cards, make a plan to get the house viewing ready, have a look at where you want to locate to.
See what sort of jobs you want to try for and give it your best shot.

Putting your energy into a new future might help deal with the anxiety, depression and over eating.
Good luck

( was I kind?)

For the record my son has had the year from hell. Unfairly dismissed from his job.
Applied for ten jobs and as soon as he mentioned the unfair dismissal he just got back an email saying that they weren’t going to take the application any further
Anyway, through a friend he’s got a job of sorts , minimum wage but he’s keeping his family’s head above water.
He’s had a good think and he’s decided to study to be a nurse.

I really hope it works for him. He’s a good lad and a hard grafter. So I do understand where you are coming from when there’s a big life decision to be made.
Life is tough. It really is. You just have to find that chunk of light and go with it.

It's a hard stage of life isn't it? My identity changed when the children grew up, and I knew that the unhappy marriage I had been in for years no longer had any form of hold over me and I was free to do something for me but I had no idea who 'me' was any more. Taking the initial steps to change were scarier and harder than the actual change in retrospect.

Thank you dowser - these were great messages! "You just have to find that chunk of light and go with it." waaah that set me off again.... flood of tears!!

Small steps. Today I had a healthy breakfast instead of 1/2 pack of sugary cereals.

I think that what is really soul destroying at the moment is the uncertainty!! I wish i was on the other side already.

I know we all deal badly with uncertainty - but I deal super badly with it, it gets me into 'rabbit and headlights' mode and makes me totally unable to act.