Feeling very depressed. This is going to be long. Basically a year ago my world fell apart. My dad cheated on my mum, which I never saw coming they were together for years. This completely ruined the family. I've never been that close with my family. Huge arguments, police, ambulances, mum harming and overdosing. Two of my dogs being given up at separate times- one last year one this year. Very traumatic. Mum got on the council housing and got a house half an hour away. This has isolated her. My sister lives with her majority of time and my brother some of the time. She doesn't drive, is on UC, gets hardly no money, her mental health isn't the best, my dad helps her out. I rarely see my mum. I tend to block it out.
I still live in the house with my dad and my other brother. I'm not close to any of my family now. I know, how sad. I worry about their mental health. My dad struggles financially, his health has declined a bit mentally from stress I believe and now has problems with hearing due to getting older. However it's my brother I worry about most. He has become an invalid. He had an incident at school many years ago and my parents tried to get him to go back, but eventually had to give up. He has stayed in the house ever since. He has what I think is autism, Ocd, depression and anxiety, however I'm not a doctor. I have OCD myself and have since a child, I also have depression and anxiety. He hoards rubbish in his room, he doesn't go out, he doesn't really talk to anyone but my dad, he hates my mum (he has used that word), and blames her for moving out when she couldn't no longer stay in the house. He showers but his room absolutely stinks from the hoarding of rubbish, he has very long hair and rewears the same clothes. He has gotten help, but I believe is in denial and won't get the next lot of help meant to be coming. The sad thing is he is very smart.
My weight has gone up quite a lot over the past few years. I feel hideous, gross, disgusting,vile. I don't know why my boyfriend loves me, what he sees in me. I've got crippling anxiety to the point I can't be alone, or avoid certain situations and times so I won't be alone. I feel very depressed about it, I'm 27 this year. I was complimented the other day that no matter what happens I keep getting back up, for awhile I felt good then reminded myself that I'm very behind for my age, I shouldn't be anxious being on my own. My parents, grandparent have told me I need to grow up, and don't really get it, they think I'm putting it on. I agree that I need to grow up. I work at mcdonalds and many people there are a lot younger than me and are able to drive, have their own flat etc, I've none of that. I can't even save no matter how hard I try because a lot of my wages go on debt repayments. I regularly tell my boyfriend I'm a failure. I also have no friends, I keep people at a distance due to many people having hurt me. And I'm quite shy and don't really see how people could find me interesting.
We are currently on gold band for council housing. Two weeks ago, we nearly got a house but didn't due to what we can only assume was an emergency, we were top of the list. Last week we were top of the list but a family with kids got the house in the town where I live. This week, there is one very close by, the rest are 40 minutes away. I would rather the one closest to us than 40 minutes. I know it is selfish, but my whole life is here, I work here, my boyfriend is here. He can't drive outside of the town that far, I can't take public transport due to anxiety unless it is the train, or a bus very close to where I live. My brother goes to school here too. I can't be moving 40 minutes away and have said this to my dad that he can choose to bid for it, but if we get it I don't know what I will do, because I can't be uprooting my life that far away. I ;ove my boyfriend but I wouldn't be able to carry on with the relationship- we see each other almost everyday, I wouldn't be able to go through that heartbreak of not seeing him.
I'm a Christian and have sought help through my own prayer, prayer chain, one on one prayer, and my faith is very shaken. I won't stop being Christian but feel very let down. Really don't fathom what my life has come to. Everything has broken in a year.