DP teasing a surprise... WHAT IS IT

[Pogmella]

Ok so I get that I should be patient and wait, but yeah, am human...

A while ago he mentioned (after a few drinks on a romantic weekend away) he had to meet someone that week as part of a secret that I wouldn’t find out about for months but would like.

He’s then over the next few weeks dripped more info and last night told me the surprise was about £100 and wasn’t an engagement ring (I had not asked if it was!) but he should probably start planning for that and what was my ring size

We have discussed marriage in the past and he indicated he didn’t want to talk further about dates etc as he wants to do an old school proposal so it’s not unanticipated- but now I don’t think that’s what it is?! Unless it’s a clumsy double bluff...

These things have come out gradually but by bit over several months of nights out. I’m pretty certain he’s not getting signed up by GCHQ anytime soon but WHAT IS THE SURPRISE it’s driving me mad. I wish he could have kept a lid on it...

What do you reckon?!

2 yrs, 3 in Spring. We’re mid to late 30’s and want kids together hence the relatively early chat about serious He wants to be married before he’s 40 in 2 years’ time.

Oh Pogmella don't feel embarrassed - although I completely understand why. I'd feel the same. But he's just been a bit ridiculous about it. And actually if you are late 30's he should be aware that you really ought to be getting a move on if you want kids so his notion of not being pressured/it's too soon is actually quite unfair.

Kids we have had a very open and ongoing conversation about- firm plans for when I’ll stop using birth control and when we’ll actively try. I’m not fussed if marriage is before or after kids as I know he’s keen and kids are the more time sensitive thing.

Proposal he said early on he’d like to do the whole surprise thing which I was in principle fine with but now it’s getting close to the time I suppose I’m discovering I’m not really enjoying the suspense and lack of input... I suppose I’ll wait and see what happens in Dec/Jan and if he isn’t initiating we can just have a sensible conversation and agree a date (I suggested this last night and he looked really glum though)

Bloody ridiculous situation! I suppose he’s basically told me I’m getting two nice surprises at some stage, I’ll try and focus on that.

In your late thirties you need to be getting married and ttc right now.
The traditional social construct of engagement and waiting to be asked is bullshit and just gives him ammo to play mind games. If you've already agreed to marry and start a family then you are engaged !
The drip drip surprise thing is weird . He's obviously enjoying himself but it's not much fun for you . He wants all the credit for some unknown thing that hasn't happened yet .
Sorry to be a wet blanket , I'm sure you're both very happy , it just seems immature and attention seeking to me and I wouldn't entertain a conversation about an abstract thing that hasn't happened yet.
If he wants to give you a gift , then give you a gift.

@FilledSoda yeah he’s not coming across well! He is kind and reliable and has always delivered on commitments thus far. He just gets chatty when he’s tipsy and in this case has dug himself a fine hole.

Didn’t intend to drip feed but I have been married before, he has not. He is keen for a wedding day and all that goes with it and occasionally sensitive to the fact that I’ve done that once before. I think he is a bit hung up on doing things ‘properly’

Ah I think you're right when you say he's dug himself a hole - I bet he regrets teasing it so early!

I think that maybe it was very silly of him because you have SO long to wait, but not any malice behind it - now he's panicking that something he thought would be impressive won't live up to expectations and is a bit embarrassed.

I'd probably feel the same as you OP (really very silly of him to say anything about it so early!) but on this specific issue just crossed wires between you two I think.

I think you need to say to him that all this silly cloak and dagger and hinting stuff has both annoyed and made you feel really awkward, and whilst you don't want to spoil whatever the surprise is, for the sake of your relationship that ship has sailed and he needs to just tell you what's going on.

This would piss me off no end.

Some people like surprises, some people don't.

I would find all this really annoying. At this point it sounds like whatever it is, it's been built-up too much and bound to be a disappointment.