Head is spinning over the future - thoughts welcome

[Notsurewhattodonow]

I am driving myself mad over what to do about my life and would really value thoughts.

We currently live abroad, having gone for work. It’s a small pond and we’re both now out of career options that are satisfying although we’re well paid. Just bored and frustrated (and in my case extremely so, to the point that it’s affecting my mental health). Outside work we have a great social life, and the kids are at a lovely school. One of them has some as yet unidentified additional needs and is currently being assessed, and receiving extra support at school that is unfunded and outside any sort of diagnosis. The school system here is similar to the UK but better funded. Medical and other diagnostic services are stretched but less so than in the UK. Our current rental is coming to an end and housing stock is extremely limited and expensive and no affordable housing is on the horizon. Outside our own social circle we find the place we live in quite difficult politically. Very little culture and diversity too.

So we are considering a move back to London, where we own a house. Job prospects are much better although pay will be lower. We have friends and feel comfortable there. But the kids will need to be in different schools, at first at least, and my most vulnerable child would be the one who would end up moving schools. I already have first hand experience of the SEN battle in the UK.

Although there are loads of issues in there, I think it boils down to whether my unhappiness is worth inflicting what is likely to be substantial difficulties on my child. We are certain to return to the UK at some point but could wait two years (if we can find somewhere to live).

Bumpy bump bump bump. I know it’s a lengthy rant of some dullness but I could really do with some venomous judging of at least one option, Mumsnet people.

I have experience of being extremely bored and unchallenged at work, so can relate to that aspect, if not the other one as much :-) It drove me absolutely crazy and I would definitely recommend getting out of that situation.

Were you planning on ever moving back? If so, wouldn't your child have to move schools at some point? Is it necessarily so much worse moving now than in x years' time?

Not sure what you meant by one child needing to be in different schools at first - did you mean that there are no places in the preferred school immediately, so you'd have to go with a temporary solution first? If so, could one of you homeschool for a while (if it's not too long) while you wait, so one of you starts working, the other one helps children finding their feet and homeschools until priority school has a place?

If you find it better where you are still, could you find some other home based work to do, even something unpaid, charity, where you'd be challenged enough, and see the (then part-time) normal job as 'paying the bills' and focusing on the fun job more?

Hard to advise but good that you're thinking about it. Could it be a quick process, so you're actually thinking about school in September, or have you got more time to mull over it? Do discuss with your partner too, makes it easier if you agree.

Thank you for replying!

We would definitely move back at some point. For good reasons if we don’t go now we then can’t move for two years, and in those two years we could hopefully get a diagnosis for our child so we went back to the UK without having to fight through the system for that.

Yes, there isn’t currently a place at our preferred school for all the kids. The most vulnerable one would need to be in a different school (a good one as it happens). We have discussed homeschooling but I don’t think I have what it takes and given our child’s difficulties I think it wouldn’t work for us.

And we do have to decide more or less now, before either of us know if we can get jobs in the UK. We could live apart for a while and even live off one salary for a bit but obviously that isn’t ideal.

I fight with myself constantly over just throwing in the towel on my career. I could do the more enjoyable bit of my job part time but would need to take a pay cut and demotion. I’ve realised that I am ambitious and am chafing at not being able to do a more senior role, and whether that would be less if I took a step back I don’t know. I do worry about the longer term effect on my career though as my current job, while awful, looks very good on a CV and I feel I need to capitalise on that in my current job search. I’d lose that advantage if I stepped away for a couple of years.

That is tricky, the fact that you'd have to stay for two more years if you don't act now. Given what you're saying now - and if your partner agrees - I would move home now. Uncertainty is horrible, and knowing that you'd have an uncertain job situation for a long time, that you'd be unlikely to find fulfilling, is not good.

Re homeschooling - is there any chance you could "homeschool" by employing a tutor (carer? Not sure what the difficult bits would be) part-time while you wait for a place at the good school? If you have some financial freedom, could whoever earns more do that job (whether where you are now and commute, or in the UK), the other one work less and have 'some' responsibility for homeschooling, but have some relief from the tutor? There could perhaps be special school teachers on maternity leave who are looking for a few hours a day - or something - just trying to think...

Have you actually looked for suitable jobs in the UK? I'd do that, and see what there is. If there is a good opportunity, it seems a bad idea to not try. However, if you don't find anything suitable, you know you've tried, and it's not the absolute end of the world if you have to stay for two more years.

Are any of the children old enough to have a view that you want to consider? Generally, given friends etc it's probably better to relocate soon for them too.

Two questions spring to mind. Are the only choices where you are now and London? Have you investigated all realistic options for achieving more fulfilment outside work and family in the place where you currently live?

Thank you for your replies.

It’s here or London because anywhere else has the same disadvantages of moving without the benefits of being able to live in our home and have a network of friends around us. It’s also the best place for our jobs.

We’re both in the application process for several jobs. But they’re lengthy so the decision to leave her would need to come probably before we know for certain how they’ve gone. We can live temporarily on one salary and apart in order to get the kids into new schools at the start of term.

I really think homeschooling won’t work. My child hates not being at school and struggles in the holidays. Watching siblings go off every day would be so hard. The school place available is at a ‘better’ school in some ways so wouldn’t necessarily be bad - it’s just two sets of disruption.

Where we are there’s only one organisation I can do my job and anything like it, and I’m in it and miserable. I am really trying to get my head round whether I can mentally dial it in more and just get through it that way for a couple more years.

To add to the complication we saw the paediatrician yesterday and all the referrals we could possibly imagine are being made to timescales that just don’t really exist in our home borough. When we asked about a possible move they cheerily said that they’d transfer the GP’s referral request to the London community services, which from my own knowledge takes us pretty much not back to square one but the wrong side of a virtually impossible hurdle.

Is there any way you could pay to access assessment and diagnosis privately in the UK? I appreciate this is hard especially if it is an MDT based diagnosis, but it could be a way to solve one part of the current dilemma.

We could afford to pay I suspect, but our borough is extremely reluctant to accept private diagnoses. There are private MDT centres that also work within the NHS so it’s harder for them to bat those back but you then move into the fight to get an EHCP of course. I’ve been reading into it and it’s a possibility.

My partner by the way is basically doing what I’m doing. Waking up one day thinking we should stay and the next that we should go. So neither of us is helping the other.

Would the London borough accept the diagnosis etc from where you are now? Is there any chance you could very temporarily "live" there andback in the UK - so if one person stays to work/secure income, that child also *stays' - goes there to get treatment - but starts the ball rolling in the UK too?

Tricky situation.

The question is what is worse for your mental health? Staying in a job you hate or running the diagnosis gauntlet in London? Ultimately which one is worse?

Mmme, depends what the possible 'diagnosis' and issues are. If it's dyslexia then it's not worth waiting for because you'd get little or no support with it diagnosis or not. Even ADHD or ASD diagnoses rarely attract any additional help/support unless the child is really struggling. If the career opportunities are a driving factor are there other areas of the UK that offer good career advancement opportunities? I appreciate the rebuilding a network factor, but with good career progression and equity from a London property could you afford alternative/private support for your dc? You can build up friendships once settled? It sounds like job dissatisfaction is the major factor here, make sure that that is the driver and then rate the other things you need (and how likely/quickly you could achieve them). It maybe that overall a third city would meet more of your requirements eventually.

Thank you, all.

We’ve done the parenting of an undiagnosed child before and it was brutal. You might say (and I don’t dispute) that the support for ASD/ADHD isn’t great, but without a diagnosis it’s appalling. I also think there’s a real chance my child will fall into the ‘really struggling’ bracket; there’s already 1:1 in Year 1 just to keep the wheels on the road.

London is really the centre of my career. DH has wider options. I don’t really want to do anything that relies on selling our house right now as the market is more or less dead and unfortunately we do not have the oodles of equity that would help a move.

But anyway, we have made a decision. We went to see a house here to rent and really liked it. As we drove to see it I had a phone interview for the job I’m applying for and really want it. Both sides of the decision collided! We have agreed to stay here for two more years, move to the new house, and for me to carry on applying and become a part-weekly commuter. Given how far down the road we’d got on us living separately, potentially for several months, as part of a staggered move, this didn’t feel like the biggest thing. It’s not perfect but it’s time limited.

It’s the biggest relief to have made a decision, any decision, and thank you to all the posters who offered help. Ultimately neither of us could do something that might work against our children and a bit of inconvenience for me is nothing.

I hope you have a very happy 2 years