Please can I have an mn pep talk

[LittleAndOften]

I've got so much going through my head I don't know where to start.

DH has been admitted to hospital with a mystery illness. He's been ill for a couple of weeks and bounced from pillar to post as no one knows what's wrong with him. I'm not going to post his symptoms (he's medical himself, researching his own condition) but he's been out of action confined to a bedroom for the last 10 days, and this is his 3rd hospital admission in that time. He's also been incredibly stressed and run down for a while.

I have a ton of work on. I mark exams (3 weeks, once a year. Awful timing) . I also do some self-employed work at home and I have deadlines this week. I have no time, I lost the weekend because of DH's illness, and I can't concentrate.

We have a toddler and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Toddler gets 15 hours childcare a week. I'm not sleeping and I'm knackered all the time. I'm struggling to manage the house, dog, dc, looking after DH and I'm worried I won't be able to devote my child free time to work, for which we desperately need the money.

My PILs live locally but aren't in good health. They try to have dc once a week. They've offered to have him when I visit the hospital. I don't feel I can ask them to have him whilst I catch up on work as well. They already had him unexpectedly because of DH. I don't have local friends who can help.

I guess I need to find the head space to work flat out in the evenings, after dc goes to bed. I'm just so tired at that time of day! Wish I could abuse some caffeine!

Oh and the dishwasher's decided to stop heating up. Ffs. I've had to hand wash everything.

Please send your words of wisdom and positivity. I need to believe I can get through this!

Well that's a ton of stuff to cope with.

I'm not sure what pearls of wisdom I can say that will help because you sound like you're a very together person going through tough times. Waiting for a diagnosis is dreadful, I hope your DH is on the mend soon.

@marvellousnightforamooncup thank you for your reply. It made me cry, probably because I'm a hormonal mess! Sometimes you just need some sympathetic words x

I think it’s pretty normal to feel like you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel - you’ve certainly got enough going on to make anyone feel stressed.

My suggestions are: fuck off as much housework as you can - absolute baddest minimum to make sure there’s a few clean things to wear and dishes to eat off. Get ready meals and stuff you can chuck together for toddler picnic meals. He will be fine on this for a couple of weeks.

Can you book the toddler a few extra days at nursery? Just ring them, explain the situation and that it’s a dire emergency and see if they can do anything at all to give you even a half day.

Do you go to any playgroups or anything with the toddler? Just wondering because if you walked in to the one I go to and explained, you’d be inundated with offers of help.

Do you go to a church? Again, if you go and see your local vicar or whatever, explain, I bet you’ll be looked after. Possibly a few meals cooked, dog walked etc. I know it is shitty to have to go and ask but my PIL are very active in their church and they would happily help anyone in need. Otherwise you might be able to find a babysitter who could give you some childcare and you possibly could pay a little extra and ask them to do a bit of washing?

Sorry you have to be in this situation. Hope your DH recovers soon - you WILL get through this though. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting the next job done you’ve done brilliantly so far!

Also if you’re in the NW I will come and help!!

Oh OP that sounds just awful. What a lot to deal with as one human being. I feel so sorry for you. And wish your DH a speedy diagnosis.

But.... pep talk time. You can and will get through this. Because you have to and because you’ll find the physical and mental strength to do it. You can stress / wallow / reflect etc later. Now is action time.

Would it help you to compartmentalise your day? ( easier said than done). Eg 7pm toddler bath time. Focus is on that- do it- get it done ( as opposed to thinking ‘ how can I bath my baby when DH is so unwell and I’ve so much to do).
Then 8pm to 10pm is correcting. No phone out. Set an alarm. Again focus is on that. Don’t get distracted. Be almost military in your planning and dedication.

Being really focussed and almost list driven has helped me in very stressful situations in the past. Plan your whole day in hour long slots and stick to it. Whatever you’re doing - work, correcting, being with your baby, at the hospital do it well and focus on that alone.

Practically speaking, could the nursery or childminder take your toddler for some extra hours over the next few weeks???? Is that a possibility with some kids gone on holidays?

Also it may seem counter intuitive but can you find 30 mins for a walk in your day? No phone, no music but just 30 mins of breathing deeply, fresh air and being outside? It helps me focus and energise a bit. When you’re in bed put your phone down. Even if you can’t sleep focus on relaxing your body, breathing deeply, getting rest.

Sorry OP that’s all a bit rambling. Hope it helps. Wishing you and your family all the very best.

I'm on the south coast but wish I was in the nw right now!

Thanks so much for the advice. I've just booked toddler in for an extra day this week. The cost is covered as we had a day owing, thankfully! Feel like I have a bit of breathing space. Any ideas on the dishwasher?

@Rystall I'm making a list (and checking it twice!).

If your PILs live locally they may well know a good plumber to call about the dishwasher. They may also be willing to stay in and wait for him / her to call if you need to be elsewhere. It’s a way of helping practically that doesn’t involve minding a toddler.

That’s another item for the list, do it, get it done.

Best of luck!!

Hey OP, whereabouts on the south coast are you?

@PartridgeJoan the west side of West Sussex x

Ah I'm East Sussex! You're doing amazingly well coping with everything. I really do hope things improve x

Also you can definitely treat yourself to a little bit of caffeine! I believe the recommendation covers one cup of coffee!

Thank you @PartridgeJoan you are very kind. Spent the afternoon at the hospital. More tests. Dishwasher still buggered and I threw a pot of sour cream across the carpet 😭🙈

How are you doing @LittleAndOften? Hope your dishwasher has magically mended itself and things are a little easier.

Hi @BadgertheBodger thanks for asking. DH is home but has a long recovery ahead. I'm still struggling with meeting work deadlines because of all the hospital trips (it didn't help that my laptop cable snapped!) but I think the moment of total catastrophe has passed.

My DPs are coming this weekend to look after DS so I can mark. They aren't staying with us so I don't have to wash up thankfully. Dishwasher man is coming next week.

This whole crisis is opening up conversations that DH and I have needed to have for a while, about how financially stretched we've been and the pressures of that amongst other things. We're not out of the woods but there could be a glimmer of hope...

Oh OP! I feel for you, I really do! 😘😘

Right.

Fuck off as much of the housework as you can. Compared to everything else that is going on, it's not important. Does DC still nap? Use this time to do the little bits around the house that you actually need to do.

Do any shopping online. Make sure you buy yourself wine/beer/chocolate (or whatever your particular poison is!) to reward yourself in the evenings.

Once DC is in bed, so as much work as you can cope with. DO NOT PUSH YOURSELF TOO HARD! When you are done, have a long hot shower and get yourself a drink. Sit down and chill out for an hour.

You are no good to anyone if you are knackered and feeling broken. If I was as far south as the coast, I'd come and help 😢

You've got this 👍

This too shall pass my love! Hope DH is on the mend soon 😘

I've just realised you are pregnant. Probably don't drink beer or wine 😢 sorry 😘

I’m glad DH is home and you have some help this weekend. Sometimes it does take a crisis to spark the important conversations - we have not so long ago been in the position where we had no food in the fridge and no money for weeks. That prompted a talk which has led to my DH retraining in something much less precarious and better paid than he was before. You sound so strong, you’ve held everything together brilliantly. Just keep going, one thing at a time and then when it’s all over and done with take yourself off for a day just for you. Whatever you like best, a walk on the beach, the cinema, somewhere you can have 10 uninterrupted hours of sleep. Treat yourself! You’ve most definitely earned it.

Sending positivity for you.
I'm in the nw too or I'd be over...

Oh wow you are all so kind I'm overwhelmed. I've been desperately trying to meet work deadlines today but it feels like wading through treacle. Very stressful.
Managing to keep on top of the laundry (easy in this weather when it driedsin minutes!), although washing dishes constantly is a PITA The rest of the house can fuck off.

I'm not a drinker so that wouldn't be my go-to treat even when not pg, but I have got myself a cheeky ice-cream or two standing by! I haven't got time to go to the beach right now (even though its 5 mins away), but I'll try and find some time for myself next week.

The biggest challenge right now is juggling work priorities. Everything is urgent + important!

@LittleAndOften your username is very apt then. Don't try to do everything at once, you are not Superwoman (sorry to break it to you!) you won't do yourself or the baby any good if you burn out!

Do what you can, when you can. It will be enough. I promise 😘