Disbalanced by end of therapy

[TheSummerMisdirected]

I’d post in AIBU if i was braver. It was an online therapy thing. We’ve been talking nearly a year. At one point i wobbled and basically said “this might be it for us”. And kind of that was that.

I think i expected more transition planning. A bit more engagement with why and how i left. A part of me wanted to be calmed down and brought back. I was kind of emotive and wobbly - what was on the other side was brisk and distracted to the point that i said i thought i’d upset her.

In one way, i think I'm being a princess expecting anything different. On the other hand, emotional wobbles are surely a therapists bread and butter, and i think the way it finished has kind of entrenched my neurosis that i’m dysfunctional in my interpersonal skills when shit gets real.

Anyone have any tips for transitioning out of therapy - or want to commiserate with stories of unsatisfying endings?

Just started therapy and one of the things the therapist did was set out endings. So I’d look for a therapist who mentioned that at the beginning.

It was basically this:

1. We can work together for a pre-determined number of sessions to tackle a specific issue or set of issues and we can discuss how many sessions that should be in advance.
2. If we work together on an open-ended basis then ideally it will become clear when we are approaching a suitable end point and this will come up in therapeutic conversations. Usually, at least two further sessions will be necessary to draw things to a close successfully, whether the decision is mutual or unilateral, although it can be more depending on circumstances.

I’m transitioning out at the moment (after 2 years), and my therapist had loads of options to talk through. I’m even allowed to book ahead a few weeks (as a bit of a crutch), then cancel (by 4 days prior) if I’m confident I don’t need it. An important part has been talking about the process of the therapy itself. She summarised how she found me when we began, what steps (and wobbles) she’d seen me take, which were the important milestones I’d reached. Also encouraged me to write some notes, so I could look back on useful strategies I’d used within therapy, for when I came across similar issues in future life. In some ways, the transition sessions have been really inspiring and strengthening. She seems to be freer to make more direct comments/observations in some ways, knowing that we’ve both acknowledged that I’m strong enough to take it!

I only wish I didn’t like her so much, I’d love to keep her as a friend, and find out more about her life and struggles. And maybe offer her help somehow, some day!

Could you get back in touch with yours and say you’d like a couple of debrief sessions? I think it’d be well worth the money. Sounds like your therapist isn’t used to doing it, but no reason he/she couldn’t study up a bit and offer it to you!

If that’s not feasible, why don’t you do your own debrief? I could get you started with some questions (based on what I’ve been asked). Start a notebook and collect your thoughts about the therapy experience, then refer to it when you feel any anxiety? It could become a really good resource for you.

Tbh - that boat has sailed.

I did try to get a better transition. I asked for her to give a bit more of a wrap up (and 'modelled' what I meant by thanking her for her time) - which she responded to in kind (but no more than what I'd actually asked for iyswim).

I screen grabbed our early convos and commented that I thought progress had been made, but that convo didn't go anywhere.

I said that I was finding her a bit stiff in the wrap up and wondered if I'd offended her - and she said she didn't mean to be stiff, it was a downside of online communication, and that she wasn't pissed off at all, that it was my right to move on if I no longer thought I was getting anything out of it.

I then actually returned to the chat room two days later (after goodbye but before my subscription expired iyswim) to say that I was struggling and acting erratically and could I have a bit more support through the transition. To which she responded very quickly, but in the vein of "what can I do to help" - and tbh I just didn't have the headspace for that kind of question - I was just looking for a bit of coddling - so I said that I didn't know & quickly wrapped it up without it going anywhere.

She did say i could pause for a month & come back - but i don’t think that helps the lack of closure at all tbh.

@Skittlesandbeer - do you think a solo debrief could work?

I do mean to start a written diary - though not in the habit yet.

You mention a chatroom? This is a proper therapist ,isn't it?

Yes - proper online therapy with an accredited therapist. You get a shared chat room & communicate online - with occasional phone calls if you like.

I'd actually really liked it up to now. It's massively more convenient than having to find childcare for F2F therapy - and I really liked my therapist - found it very easy to talk to her.

It maybe tipped into being too chummy at some point - because the boundaries are less clear than having a scheduled hour - but she was definitely legit.

Ah right,I see,I can see how that's really convenient.

It really doesn't sound good the way it's ended,it's always been planned and discussed when I've had f2f therapy.

Therapy is largely about you helping yourself, the therapist facilitates that process. So in this situation she's handed the control to you. If you want to return to therapy, you can. If you feel that you need a few extra wrap up sessions, you can ask for that. But you need to be explicit in that request, not "modelling" it with wishy washy words.

I don't think you upset or offended her, or that your therapeutic relationship has ended, but if you are looking for more you need to be clearer in what you are looking for.

The wishy washy words comment wasn't a criticism, it's something I do myself when I'm trying to be polite but can't quite say what I want to, so I try to phrase it in an indirect way. And generally leave the conversation disappointed because I've not been direct!

I did try to be brave and ask for what I wanted - but at a certain point it becomes so needy that I think it'll cause me more damage than good to keep hanging around like a hopeful puppy.

The danger points I flagged is that I have form for walking out of relationships that get 'a bit too real' - that I thought I'd pissed her off - and that I was freaking myself out a bit with behaving erratic following the decision to go separate ways.

I can't 'tell' her to tell me that this is a positive departure - because then I won't believe that she means it. I can't 'tell' her to not feed the demon that says that she's bloody relieved to be rid of me and my weird - for the same reason - then I'm just scripting her.

And if she asks 'how can I help' on the last point - well - no one can help - my behaviour is my responsibility - I reached out kind of because I thought that she would have something settling to say - but it kind of shows up the futility of the whole thing.

Oh - and I reposted a chat from early on where she asked about my RL supports - and I said that "I'm hard to RL support - because when I get really upset I stop talking, go weird & hide ".

I guess I wanted her to leave me with a script that was different to that...? Because essentially that's what I've done again: stopped talking, gone weird and hidden.

It's kind of circular. If I didn't have this hard wired pattern - I'd not have paid for therapy - I'd have engaged more with RL people. But because my emotional communication is shit - I can't even run a functional relationship with someone paid to do so.

The irony really!

Taking on a therapist to discuss my dysfunctional relationship style - then posting on a forum to discuss my dysfunctional relationship with my therapist. Presumably the next stop is a TAAT about why my relationship with MN is about dysfunctionally posting needy tumbleweed threads talking to myself.

I think I can see the common denominator here!

The ending is so important in therapy for the very reasons that you outline. It’s an opportunity to have a different experience and I’m sorry this didn’t happen for you.

It sounds like you are blaming yourself but to me it doesn’t sound like the therapist handled it that well. It also sounds like you tried really hard to let her know what you needed but she wasn’t able to respond for whatever reason.

Yeah - I'm surprised how hurt I am.

I'm not surprised how hurt you are, OP. You needed to work through a deeply significant relational difficulty (which you'd previously flagged up) and your therapist entirely overlooked it. You haven't had a 'good enough' ending, the therapist didn't pick up on the pattern, and an important opportunity to work through your longstanding difficulty in relationships was neglected by the one person supposedly professionally equipped to spot the signs and offer a therapeutic intervention to address the ambivalence you displayed. (As you would, because that's where it needs to be worked on - in the therapeutic relationship.) Even disregarding that fundamental need, the therapist could've offered a more structured ending that lessened the potential for disappointment and wounded feelings.

I hope someday you'll be able to do this work with a therapist who's 'yours' for as long as it takes, and who notices the points at which the crucible of the relationship needs to be contained within a strong therapeutic alliance.

Thank you @interminablehellishwhatever

bump for the evening crowd.

HI OP sorry to hear you're feeling a bit rubbish about this.
I understand where you are coming from.
I think the thing to do now is search inside yourself for what yiu feel and what you want to express - not putting on a brave front, nor trying to please her, but an authentic truth about how you feel and whether she is able to help you with that. Then you may start to change the ending.
For eg you may wish to say' I know I said I wanted to end therapy but now I feel hurt and abandoned and this is something that's happened to me before . Can you help me work it through properly ?

The rope has been cut.

I have no contact with her now (and no way to re-establish contact).

So I've gotta make peace on my own with the unsatisfying wrap up.

I don't think I understand the set up as you say you wouldn't be able to re-establish contact. Did you book with her directly or is it some kind of an online service that matches you with a therapist?

Often the ending can be one of the most significant parts of therapy and therapists know endings bring up a lot for the client so it's unfortunate you didn't get to work through it with more time. Is there really no way to contact her to say the ending has left you unsettled and you would prefer a couple of sessions to talk through it?

@viccat- it sounds like one of the platforms like Betterhelp.

OP if you can't reach her, maybe it would be better to process this with another therapist?

Truth is I probably could renegage her, but I'd need to resubscribe. But it would dent my pride to go back on 'goodbye' - and I think the risk is the ending would end up feeling even more messy and unsatisfying. I did try to flag that I wasn't happy with the lack of exit counselling - but it didn't really connect - so don't see what would magically change if I went back.

That's kind of why I posted - to get a sense if IABU in expecting more - or if she dropped the ball a bit - or a bit of both.

No to another therapist. I'm done with talking. This was my first dip into therapy - and don't really want to do it again. My plan in suggesting that I stop was to channel into writing a journal - and form my thoughts that way.