Boyfriends Family

[KarmaKiller]

I'm separated from my husband about 18 months ago. Everything between us is perfectly fine, we have 2 kids together, access is shared and we have a good relationship.

Recently, I started seeing someone (let's call him Simon), we've been together about 4 months, things between us are really good.

His dad and brother seem to be really against the relationship. They have this weird skewed view that I am trying to get pregnant and 'trap' him.

His brother (let's call him George) is pretty isolated, only seems to be friends with his Simon and seems to be threatened by any relationship his brother has with anyone, I suspect previous relationships have been somewhat sabotaged by George.

I've met George once and their dad on several occasions, all very friendly.

Anyway, recently George and their dad have been talking about me being pregnant, I am not, and not trying either. But its causing Simon quite a bit of stress. I am livid that these things are being said behind my back, not to mention its utter nonsense. Things with Simon's family are quite complicated, so I'm keen not to add to it. What would you do? I really want this to work, but I'm concerned he is being drip fed poison every time I'm not there.

Yes he's an adult and can make his own decisions. But they are all very close and have heavily relied on each other, and trust each others opinion implicitly. I think George is jealous because he thinks I'm going to steal his brother away, which couldn't be further from the truth. His family struggle with the fact I am married (albeit separated) with kids, and they don't think he can handle being in a relationship with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I think I'd back out of the relationship. Four months in things are still supposed to be fun. Having a good relationship with your partner's family is important.

What's Simon saying about all this? If he's taking any of it to heart I think I'd split. But if he thinks they're all a bunch of idiots then maybe it can work.

I’d walk away too. Simon is a grown man and he needs to work out how to deal with his own family without using you as piggy in the middle.

He is manipulating you by listening to them, telling you what they say and watching your reaction.

Don't be a fool. Run for your life.

Why do they think you want to "trap him" by having a child with him ?? You have 2 already. Also, can't he stand up for himself & tell them to butt out ??

My friends have told me to back out too. They think it's too much. I think to a certain extent, Simon has been groomed by the warped attitudes of his family for his whole life. His brother has never had a relationship, his mum and dad split 20 years ago and still can't be in the same room as each other, they do not like women, they don't trust women. Simon has had a number or relationships but I think they have all been sabotaged. George in particular makes things very difficult.

I don't know why they think I want to trap him, other than their complete distrust of women.

The trouble is, I really don't want to walk away. Simon is lovely and I care for him very much.

For background, Simon's mum is terminally ill and close to death, he has been fed this attitude that he must deal with it 'like a man's whatever that means, so he has showed very little emotion. But I know being with me has allowed him to open up, talk about it, get upset. But he then has this guilt that he shouldn't cry or have moments, I don't think his family life is very healthy. I know everyone is different but I think this is damaging him mentally.

I really do want to fully support him through all of this, but they have been dripping poison for so long I don't know if it's possible.

I have made massive efforts with both his dad and brother, I think I have chipped away a little, but not enough to have any real effect.

All that in 4 months? I'd get rid sharpish.

Simon needs to grow a back bone and you need to walk away, the whole situation sounds awful.

Too much drama too soon.
You don't need this!!
Seriously 4 months?

Ah so you are his therapist. Who has also made massive efforts with his family .

You are a rescuer. This won’t end well.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201104/the-rescuer-identity

I dont want to get rid, thats the thing. We have a great relationship, so i wont end it because his family are interfering. I got his dad on his own yesterday and laid it out, told him I was not pregnant etc he seemed appreciative of the conversation. Simon is doing his best under difficult circumstances and he has stood up for me.

I am hoping this is the end of it now that I've had a very frank conversation with him.

Everyones got their stuff/baggage.

I'm not his therapist, but I do want to support him. He supports me too.

@rosemary I may well be a rescuer, although the description doesn't fit me exactly. But if that's what I am, then that's what I am, probably always have been and always will be

So Simon stood up to his family last night, told them I was here to stay and they better just get used to it. He told them he loves me and I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He told me that everything I've told him has come to pass and he sees how dysfunctional it's been. I'll still keep trying with George though.