I want another baby, DH says he doesn't because he wants to send DD to private school

[TheNextStop]

We have a beautiful DD who is 6 months old. I don't want another baby yet but I really do want her to have a sibling at some point. I'm already seeing that baby stage slip away and I can't believe how fast it's going, I'm getting broody for another one.

In the past DH and I have spoken casually about how we would give her a sibling and how he would quite like a son etc. For full disclosure when we were TTC we both said we would be blessed to have one and anything after that a bonus and back then I thought just one would make me happy.

Anyway tonight I said I was getting broody again and not suggesting we start TTC now or even in the next few months but DH shut it down completely and said he is trying to be able to afford to send DD to a good school and we can't afford two and he definitely only wants one. We live in London (another problem, I don't want to) and he is insistent that there are no suitable state schools here.

I would like to move to a cheaper area with better schools and have another baby. He wants to stay in central London and pay for private school and have one DC. How the hell do we move forward?

I am in sort of this position. DH and I have an 18 month old. Before we got married we spoke about children. He wanted one, I wanted three, we agreed to two. Now we have one, we also live in London, both of us work full time in good jobs, but will never be ‘rich’ in London, DH has said he doesn’t want another because he wants to give this one everything. I really want one more.

I have said to DH that I wouldn’t have married him if he had said he only wanted one child. It is such an important thing for me that it would affect our relationship if he put his foot down. We have talked it through and he has said he isn’t totally against another. It’s still an uncomfortable conversation for us though.

Is there a halfway house where you move to the outskirts of London? Surrey/Kingston/Kent, commutable but good schools? Sounds like it needs an honest conversation from both of you and some flex from both sides. Is this something that counselling could help with? There are some pretty major decisions here about how to live your lives going forward, it sounds like some professional help might work through some of the problems?

Personally, I think the partner who wants the fewest children trumps, even if that is zero. I don't think anybody should be forced into parenting more children than they want to or feel they can.

It's not just giving up Independent school for the existing DD, it's compromising attention and time, space, quality and quantity of extra-curricular experiences etc. Maybe he doesn't think having a sibling she may or may not get on with is worth the compromise for your DD.

Do you actually know anything about the state schools near you?

I think for now do nothing, take the pressure off, but sit down and have a reasoned, backed up with facts conversation about your goals, circumstances, earning potential, plans for children etc.

When your DD comes to state school age you don’t know what position your life will be in?

I do agree with the pp above that no one should be forced into parenting. I do think that compromise on both sides is needed and maybe look into moving to another area? But as I first said, school is a long time off.

It's tough because I think it's quite common to have an ideal of multiples beforehand and then change your mind once you have experience of having one. Even if it's the easiest baby in the world, going from one to two does shift the balance of your lifestyle a lot, when it's already shifted to accommodate one. I can understand why he only wants one now (my DP is one and done too and while I could probably have been persuaded into having another if I had a partner who really wanted it, I'm happy to go with that).

Do you think he might be fixating on the school issue as it's a tangible reason v just saying 'I don't want another'?

At some point in these situations it basically boils down to two options:

1. Stay together and accept your life with one child
2. Split up with the hope of finding someone else in the not too distant future

If it truly is entirely to do with schools then perhaps there is a compromise to be found, but I'd be surprised if someone who really was keen on having another would suddenly become fixated on schooling as an issue when their child is only six months old. I suspect he's just realised he's 'done' or feels the family is complete.

Agree with @reefedsail there is no compromise when it comes to having children. The partner that says no always wins. You can't coerce someone into bringing a life into the world, you have to accept it unfortunately.

I agree with the poster above. I think schooling is a red herring. If he just said, “I don’t want another”, he may think he looks unreasonable. I agree with others, whoever wants fewest trumps the one who wants more.

Please don’t do what a friend did and “accidentally got pregnant even though she was on the pill...” She was divorced 3 years later.

If your dh's only reason is the private schooling, he may be being unreasonable/may be talked around.

However, I also believe the person who wants the fewest gets the final decision. I wanted two, dh wanted one. We have one. You can't make someone have more children than they want.

Ideally, though, this is decided before you get married (especially if it's between none or one than any other difference of opinion).

Before you had DD, where were you on the 'stay in London or move' conversation? Did you have a plan to move out eventually? If so, I'd be really cross with him as it feels like he was promising you lots of things (moving out of London and having another baby) with no intention of going ahead with it. But I agree with others that if you had no plans to move then he is entitled to change his mind on the baby issue - you can't always predict how you'll feel about that in advance.

I feel for you, OP.

I think an adult child would prefer a sibling over having had a private education.

@amyfi depends entirely on too many circumstances to ever say that for 100% certainty.

I have one child and am confident I don’t want anymore because I have seen how having more than one sways family life into being solely about the children. My husband’s father worked himself into the ground to afford private education for his second son, because his first had a scholarship and he didn’t feel it was fair to have an academic divide between them as brothers.

I'm afraid I am with your husband on this - and I have been exactly where you are and persuaded my DH that two children was much the better option. I was wrong.

I’d try the conversation again when ur dd has been sleeping through the night for a while, I know you said his reasoning is financial, but lack of sleep makes ppl all sorts of crazy

"he is insistent that there are no suitable state schools here."

Has he done any actual research on this? Surely it would be impossible to predict which school would best suit a child in 4 years time? You can't possibly know whether she will have the kind of personality that would best suit a small school or whether she will be a social butterfly who would thrive in a much bigger one. You don't even know whether she will be sporty, a drama-lover, or even have particular learning needs.

I don't think you should try to force your DH into having a second child but there's something a little worrying about his insistence that he knows which school will suit her and that you will also have to stay in London. There has to be room for discussion about all of the possible options.

I think an adult child would prefer a sibling over having had a private education

Many of us who have siblings would prefer to have been an only child privately educated.

Wise words @BeardofZeus. We moved to Surrey and I have to say that most children are privately educated around here - putting even more pressure on the parents that can only just afford it. I have friends that have had to pull their kids out of private school and others that are breaking under the strain of financing multiple places.
"Fortunately" our circumstances changed and it is no longer an option (ironically leading us to look at moving back into London where there seems to have been a greater focus on improving state schools).

Indeed @aPengTing. It very much depends on the sibling!

God I’d have taken a private education over a sibling any day of the week!

Many of us who have siblings would prefer to have been an only child privately educated.

This is bonkers !! I think a sibling is a much better thing to give a child than private schooling. Perhaps ask again in a few months Op. FWIW I have a 7 week old and and 18 month old (both girls) and it’s hard work but I can already see a bond forming between them, the thought that they’ll (probably) have a friend for life means the world to me. I am very close to my siblings so perhaps this colours my view.

Having said all this, you totally can’t force your DH to agree to a second child , its hard hard hard work and he might get very resentful and blame you !

Siblings do not assure a friend for life at all!! My sibling and I do not talk, they have never had my back and I fully expect the next time we talk will be when our parent dies and they’ll be chomping to get their hands on some money 🙄

A sibling might be a better thing if:

1. your existing child is of the right temperament/personality. Some children are introverts who are happy in quiet homes with their own company and that of their parents/friends.
2. your second child doesn't end up with major disabilities or health problems that completely change your lives and that of your existing child
3. having a second child doesn't stretch finances or parents' mental/physical to a dangerous degree

There's a lot to consider beyond 'being friends forever', as that is in no way a given and can sadly sometimes be quite the opposite.

Oh God, please don't let this thread become a copy of the 'is having an only child selfish' thread. I couldn't take it!

I think 6 months is quite early to be thinking of TTC another, he could feel differently in the future as its still early days-I found it took a year for the initial shock of being a parent to wear off.

I don't know where you are in London but the state schools are pretty good, standards have really improved since I was a child and I live in a very naice area in zone 2 N London and most of my friends are sending their children to the local state schools.

As PP said, is moving an option?

Having a sibling is not a guaranteed friend for life. I have two siblings and we get on but I wouldn’t be friends with them if I’d met them in passing. We all think the same about each other. Have a laugh at Christmas and my mothers birthday but leave like, “that’s enough for the next 6 months.”

London does have a lot of outstanding schools, especially central London, but a lot of people are afraid of them because they have kids from a number of different cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds in them. However, you will often find the same issue in the majority of London’s private schools too (unless you’re talking about really posh private schools) as gangland criminals from certain backgrounds tend to send their kids to private schools too.